Speaker 1: 0:08

hello friends, welcome to the artists within podcast. I am your host, adela hitel, and this podcast is produced by think project human, a new way to think, and I'm super, super excited to be here and to be doing this this season and actually just to be doing this. Finally, a couple of things I want to talk about today are pretty important to me. Number one I want to thank everybody for all the support on the downloads, on the follows, on the likes on the shares, downloads on the follows, on the likes on the shares, all of my guests who have committed to coming on and sharing their stories, giving me the opportunity to learn, to educate myself, to become a better host, to become a better learner, learner to become a better listener, learner, learner to become a better listener, observer and a learner to become more educated in all the ways. And I think that becoming educated is one of the most important things that we can do become educated about ourselves, about our surroundings, our environment, our social constructs, the whole nine yards and for me, the best way to do that is through conversation. I think one of the greatest things I learned by going to therapy and having one of my therapists tell me that, adela, you're paying me $100 an hour to talk to me. And when she said that, I was like, holy crap, I'm just sitting here having conversations with strangers about my feelings, about my wants, my needs, my all these things and I don't need the help in the way that I think I need the help, but I'm asking for help. And so I created Project Human. I created this podcast finally to be able to have these conversations for me to learn.

Speaker 1: 2:02

Now, I didn't know what I was doing with it. When I was starting out and I set this intention out, I had no idea the structure it needed, the information and learning, the process of creating something like this, that it was really needed. I really honestly just thought let that's, let's talk, let's just talk, and that's great. A lot of times we can do that. But in order for this platform for me to be what I wanted to be, it needed to be a solid structure. I needed to be a solid structure and I'm still working on that, I promise you. I am still working on the solidity of me, who I am, where I want to be, what I want to do. I'm still figuring on that. I promise you. I am still working on the solidity of me, who I am, where I want to be, what I want to do. I'm still figuring that out every day.

Speaker 1: 2:49

I was questioning everything about all of this yesterday. Honestly, do I still want to continue this? Do I want to do this? Am I like I'm tired and I'm sometimes defeated and I feel so inadequate and I absolutely believe that I'm incapable, and it's just this mind-boggling, never-ending loop of self-doubt that I continue to have, even like I said to yesterday. And then I'm reminded of all all the things I did fight through and accomplish. I'm reminded that the tenacity that I have to be able to create is something that I am so, so proud of, and this is one of those things conversations, creative expression, the freedom to be able to stand on my own two feet, to stand on the words that I speak, to have the thoughts that I finally have and have the structure of them. They're not complete, I promise, but they're in a very, very good headway.

Speaker 1: 3:58

So it's been a journey, and today I really just want to talk to you about that journey and why I think it's so important for us to navigate everything that's going on in the world, within ourselves, within our social climate and all the other climates that are happening in the world right now, for us to be able to understand who we are, what we're doing, navigate what we're supposed to be doing and holding ourselves accountable for the words that we speak, showing compassion and understanding for things that we don't understand, for things that are different from our point of view and our perspective, but also holding steady in our views and perspectives if we believe in them, and holding steady in kindness and compassion and understanding still is something that we're where I feel like we're working towards or trying to, but it's hard to when we're when we're all a little bit lost. Our light is a little bit dimmed because hope is a bit diminished around us. It just feels like an existential crisis for everything and to me, the thing I learned through this journey is that that's trauma, that's PTSD, to think that every move I make is an existential crisis to myself. It becomes so self-absorbent for me to be in there, even though I have every reason to right. I have every reason to be in that state of existence, because my past experience has done nothing but show me that my life was in danger. My existence was in danger. My identity, my ideology, my words, my just everything was in danger, and having to really heal and I'm not saying I'm healed in any shape or form, I'm not, not even close I'm literally struggling every single second of my life in two identities, in two perspectives, in two ideologies, in two narratives, in two different worlds. That I cannot begin to explain to you on how it feels and where I'm at I'm at, but I hope that I can at least express through this product, through this podcast, with this process, through everything, um, the, the struggle of it, but also the triumph of it.

Speaker 1: 6:37

Right, there's, there's also this innate thing that I've learned about humans, especially humans who have struggled and who have had some of the worst things happen to them in their life. But even those who haven't, even those who have not had it the way I've had it right. What I've learned is that there's an innate tenacity that's the word tenacity. There's like an innate tenacity for us to want to be a better human being, want to be more successful. Right, like, that's that's within us and that, to me, is our god-given gift of divinity, of power, of light, of goodness, of, of just the strength that we have inside of us. That, like wants us to just strive up and rise up and be up, but we're so afraid of it I know I am, I know I'm so extremely afraid of the responsibility of it.

Speaker 1: 7:33

I'm so I really had to have a conversation with myself about that. I'm so afraid of the responsibility of it when I sit down and consciously think about the actions I'm doing and assess everything and see where I'm going. And have I really put in the work that I need to put in to be able to stand on this platform and have these conversations with you? Right? Have I really done the work that I need to stand ground on what I say and what I believe? Because the feedback and the fight of this world is going to be brutal and I've already done it once, right, I've already survived it once, but I've survived it on a whole different level. It was on a destructive, physical level because of my ideas and my existence and my thoughts and my ideology and my religion and everything else about it, my geography, the whole nine yards, and because of that I've survived one war. But then there's a war that's here. That's the war of social expectancy and social productivity and what society is expecting of us all to do versus what we as individuals are required to do for ourselves.

Speaker 1: 8:58

And I found myself yesterday in this loop of feeling so depleted, so and just again wanting to quit everything I've done. And come so far because I look, I got onto social media, I started doing all the work. I got sick a couple of days ago, I've been under the weather and as you're building things and as you're doing, you realize you know you don't have anyone else to fall back on. You are your own responsibility. You are your own accountability for everything you want to do, all your dreams, all your goals. No one will pick up what you're doing, no one.

Speaker 1: 9:34

And for me, that is like been a much more conscious thought of awareness, because I've been much more serious about everything I'm doing. And so I sat there and I was like, man, I'm behind on this and I'm this and this and this and this and this, and the amount of you're not going to do this, you're not set up for this. The negativity that I gave myself for just a couple of minutes actually for a whole damn day, to be honest. And then, when I sat down to put things together and start actually looking at the information and preparing for what I'm doing, even though I don't want to do it because now I'm defeated, because I see the amount of work everyone else is doing. I see how everyone else around me is just making strides and gains, and again I'm doing pulling the Joneses and my ego is comparing to what everyone else is around me because society expects me to be at this pedestal.

Speaker 1: 10:30

Because I've been on it. I have, I have been there, I have put myself in that position for a long time and now that I've hid away from it and created this solitude in this piece, being being in front of it again is very intimidating for me. That is hard for some of you to hear that I get intimidated, but it's very intimidating for me. So I've had to really work through that and pass that these last couple of days, and the way I did that was by actually reflecting back on the things that I've done. And so I kind of want to walk you through that today. I want to walk you through what I have experienced. I want to thank you for listening to this podcast, for over 128 downloads, I believe. Maybe my number is a little bit wrong, but we're so close to 130 downloads Every one of you who've downloaded, who've listened, who've shared. I just really want to say thank you again. Your support means so much to me.

Speaker 1: 11:31

This holding conversation and the ability and the privilege we have to hold conversation, especially here in the United States, in America, in this place where, if I were anywhere else in the world, I could potentially be put away for or killed for, honestly, it just to me that you value just one human valuing what I have to say, valuing my voice, my existence and this whole process and journey of a life. It means the world to me because, again, so many humans don't get the opportunity and that privilege that we have here is the one that goes unnoticed so much and the one that Americans are born with and just it's innate in for them. But for me it's not, and I've struggled really hard to be able to hold conversation, even though I come off very raw. It's a self-defense mechanism, and so to be able to create a platform to do it on my own terms, to create the structure and the process and the policy and the procedure of which, in a way that I want to host it and have my voice be heard and carried is, is a bit overwhelming, and and so I can't believe I'm here, like I can't believe I'm here and I'm alive and I am able to do this and I'm able to share this and I'm able to find joy and create fulfillment through this and actually help human beings. So thank you for listening, thank you for sharing, thank you for liking and I'll keep saying that and to everybody who subscribed to us, I again appreciate you more than you will ever, ever know, ever know. So more than you will ever, ever know, ever know.

Speaker 1: 13:23

So I want to take you to our website to share with you some of the episodes, so that you can kind of know what we've done and what we are going to continue to do for everything that we're doing. So let's take you into here. So this is the website to Project Human. I'm going to take you to the home. For those of you who are listening right now and not watching, if you're on our YouTube channel, you can see it and you can go to our website at phinc-ingorg and you will be able to find all this information anda lot more for yourself, and maybe even, you know, become a volunteer or a freeform writer, or just share your voice, or, if you have a story to share, you might be become a volunteer or a free-form writer, or just share your voice, or if you have a story to share, you might be able to want to share it here with me, right? So in here you'll find our whole mission is to advocate, inform and educate, and I have had to spend a lot of time educating myself before I could inform anyone else of what I'm doing, and now that I can do that, I can advocate for it and I can advocate for myself, and I can teach you to advocate for yourself, and then we can advocate for everyone else and we can advocate for the whole world in the way we need to to make the changes.

Speaker 1: 14:37

I've really have had to slow down in my life in so many ways, just so that I'm able to understand the process, and in order for me to change the system that's already been around for so long, I have to actually, as I always say, become part of it. I would like to use another word, but they may flag me for that, but infiltrate is another one, but you have to become part of it, right, you have to become part of the system, you have to learn it, you have to understand it and you have to see where you stand, really in a line with it. And so, how, where can you make the changes? What's, what can you do? And this is my first step, this is my first way. I want to do this because I have long-term goals for my advocacy, for my ability to influence and change the way I hope that we can think about humanity in this, in this world, and just the where, where our state of beings are.

Speaker 1: 15:32

Um, so there's a lot of that, but you can find our podcast right there. You can write on the front page home page. You can hit the listen now right there and it'll take you to that. You can also find your girl right there. Uh, quite a bit of interviews that I was fortunate enough to have with client focus media. Uh, you can find our rebirth project, our checkmate project. You can find the little documentary that I did. Uh, there's another pretty small face right there and, uh, who is that girl? Like literally, who is that girl I look at and I sometimes I look at these photos or look at these videos and I go. I can't believe that I did those things and I was not conscious at all, like I was not conscious at all and what I was thinking of doing I just knew so deeply down inside me that this was my right path. And so here we are, coming back in and coming out, and it's exciting. And this is you'll get to see some of the projects we've done with the community, and this is one of my favorite ones we did with Club Challenge of Orange Park. So grateful to them for the experience that we had with them.

Speaker 1: 16:36

And then today I'm going to talk to you actually about this project right here, called the Rebirth Project. It was the first project that I ever did and it changed quite a bit for my life and for me, so I look forward to sharing that with you right now. So let's get to that Part of everything that I've done to kind of get to here. And this moment in my life has been this idea of I know what I'm supposed to do, I know where I'm supposed to go, but I don't know how to get there, and so I'm going to share with you a story that I've never really publicly shared, but it is been something that I didn't understand how much of a life-changing moment it was for me until I actually processed it years later and the way it processes, processed. All of that was through the rebirth project. So trigger warning, just for those of you who are listening. And a disclaimer one. This part that I'm going to talk about is about my suicide attempt and about my humans in my life who have attempted that and my involvement or my experience with it, if you will. And then the other part is of how I've come out of it and what I really want to talk to you about and how I want you to understand the importance of your life through this. But the disclaimer part is that I'm not a medical professional.

Speaker 1: 18:07

This podcast or think or anybody associated with is not medical professionals. If you need help, if you need resources, we have them on our website. We have them in our all our episodes links. You can click on that. Reach out to someone. I promise you it's worth the time and continue reaching out. I swear to you there is one human and if that human happens to meet me that you reach out to, I will hold that space for you because I think it's so important. Now will my capacity be to be the fullest to be able to provide everything? No, but I'll at least hold a space for you for a conversation. So, but you should reach out to medical professionals if you need any professional help. No, but I'll at least hold a space for you for a conversation. So, but you should reach out to medical professionals if you need any professional help. So, with that said, let me make sure you get my life right in here.

Speaker 1: 18:56

I, a couple of a couple of months ago, I was sitting through and processing my life and trying to understand everything that I was, and processing my life and trying to understand everything that I was feeling, and again creating and still doubting everything I'm doing. But as I'm reflecting upon all the work that I've done, I can't be more proud of not only myself, but of the community, of what we've been able to accomplish. I know that some of my ways to getting here have not been very clean or smooth or perfect. My narratives have not been in alignment with what my intentions were, and so I really have had to learn to see where not necessarily where my wrongs were, but where I participated in my own sabotage, and where I could have and should have done different things but didn't, and that's okay. But how can I learn from those moments to ensure that I am better for it?

Speaker 1: 20:02

And one of those moments that genuinely created my existence was when I was working for a salon. Uh, I was 28. I had just I don't remember if I just graduated not too long ago from uh, no, I was. That was my second salon. Um, that's how much trauma affects memory. Just an FYI, that I still process and try to understand my life prior to 28, because 28 was such a monumental moment in my life, right? So 28, um, I was really really lost. I was a new mom, I was working at a second salon.

Speaker 1: 20:41

I thought I found a home. I really really thought I found a home. It was such a weirdly crazy experience that I was like this is it, like this is the home I've been looking for, and my whole life I've been searching for home, a home that never existed, a home that I had to create because a home. I didn't know what a home, what it meant to have a home. For most people, having a home and being here in this place, in existence, having a home means that you are, you know, you have four walls, you have a family, you have this, you have that.

Speaker 1: 21:18

I started with that in some shape or form or capacity, but it was never a full home, it never a whole home and then it was a completely destroyed home, literally taken piece by piece apart and left nothing but a concrete foundation. And I've always remembered that story of of the war, of how they took the whole home apart and how the foundation was left there but nothing else was there, and how that was so significant to me because that piece of land, that piece of moment, was like I have to go home, I have to go home. So in some shape or form, I was associating everything I was doing with that search of a feeling of going home. And I thought the salon was, I thought that the humans around me were and, just FYI for those who you're listening, some of these humans are still following me. We're still, you know, on our friends on Facebook and things like that.

Speaker 1: 22:12

So please, if anybody's listening, and in any shape or form, this is not meant to be personal, so don't take it personally. It is personal for me because it's my personal experience and my process and my thought through it. So, but it's never, it's not meant to be a personal anything to anyone else. I have a saying called uh, it's personal or nothing personal, but it's personal because it's nothing personal towards you as a human, your existence or anything. But it's personal for me and something I have to work through and process. So bear with me if I get a little bit windy. I can feel my heart pounding a bit through this conversation that I have to work through and process. So bear with me if I get a little bit windy. I can feel my heart pounding a bit through this conversation that I want to have a bit with you.

Speaker 1: 22:51

But this rebirth project that I did was my way of paying homage to all of the things that I didn't know how to. So while I was at the salon, I worked there, I want to say, for like a year, maybe a year or so, I'm not really sure to be honest, maybe two, but anyway I do remember being 28, and I remember sitting at the bowl washing a client and I remember hearing these words clear as day. Honestly it was your 30s are going to be the best years of your life and for me, my whole life. I have always trusted this process of when God comes to talk to me and talk to me alone. It is the most peaceful, the most exuberantly like silence that I can't tell you how much I accept that, like I just trust that. It happened to me when I was five, right before the war, and my moment of him telling me trust me, it's going to be okay, like trust me, it's going to be okay. And 28 hit and it was your 30s are going to be the best years of your life, and by far they are. They have been. I cannot complain at all. So just know that's a good future to look forward to.

Speaker 1: 24:13

If you get a sign like that and I remember just being so exuberant about it, just so excited about this prospect that my 30s were going to be just the best years of my life yet and that we could all be there and from my perspective, I have always. I have always those around me are included in my love and my joy and my success. I have always been a we person. I cannot ever remember a time where I've wanted to be an I, I, I, I, I, and but maybe that has come across very much as an I thing, but it was never the intention of it and so I've had to learn that. But I have always been a we person. I want us to succeed, not only as my you know family, but friends and co workers or anyone around me. I want us to succeed, because the success of all of us, or the success of one of us, or the success of everything just is success.

Speaker 1: 25:12

I mean, there's nothing wrong with that right, but my thought that my positivity and the thing that I had literally been going on my whole life, that I thought saved my life, would save my life, or I had always saved my life, is that I was a positive and bubbly person. I had heard so much that, adela, you are too much, it's too this it's too that, it's whatever right, and a lot of times that was true, but this I didn't true, but this I didn't believe it, I didn't believe it. Well, I had believed that I was positive, I knew that I was positive, I was positive, I could see the brighter things in life, always, always, always. And this particular moment, I was told this life defining moment for me, really, I was told that I was not, I was a negative influence, and so I was let go from the salon because I was a negative influence there. And I remember being so shattered like, so shattered that I did the most unthinkable thing that you could do, because I was so shattered and so weak and so lost and so confused and because the whole situation was like I knew. To be honest, I knew it was going to happen. I can feel the rift and shift and change in energy around me when I step on toes or when I push the boundaries or when I'm not wanted. You know, I can feel it, I know it, and so for me there was a good feeling and knowledge of it for a couple of weeks and then, of course, once I feel it, I don't want to be there either, and so I get it.

Speaker 1: 26:51

My stank attitude was involved, so, but I didn't understand the process of these next actions of humans. Right, I take people at their word, and that's something I've had to really learn not to do, because I take people at their word and when people give me their word, I think that that's life or death. And you give me your word, I will survive. You don't give me, you know. You don't keep your word, I'm dead. And I just always want to believe that people will want to be good human beings and want to help humans, and that's not always the case.

Speaker 1: 27:27

So I had thought I had some friends and I reached out to them. I went. The unthinkable I did was. I went over next door. We had this restaurant they in, and you know, some of the bar people knew us, and so I just chugged a few shots down. This is when I was drinking. I don't drink anymore now. I do not. I'm not for alcohol, I don't. You know, to each his thing, I'm not. But this is when it was.

Speaker 1: 27:46

And I got in the car and I drove across the Buckman. I drove all the way to this friend's house and I was trying to understand, because I had just seen them and I was like please tell me, tell me what I did wrong. Why am I so negative? I don't understand. I don't understand. Please explain it to me. I mean, I'm bawling my eyes out. And they looked at me and said, because there's two of them at the time, and then they said you know what, adele, we'll talk about it later, I'll call you later, don't worry about it, we'll figure it out, whatever, whatever. And again my innate mind was like okay, they'll figure it out, it'll be fine, I'll get there. And of course that never happens. And my whole world starts to shatter because they start to realize that it doesn't matter. No one cares. No one cares whether I exist, no one cares whether I matter, no one cares.

Speaker 1: 28:38

And I got to the point where I was washing the dishes. It was after I had attempted to reach out again. I had reached out through a phone call. Again I was washing the dishes. It was after I had attempted to reach out again. I had reached out through a phone call. Again. You know, I was like, hey, I really just need to talk to someone. I need to talk to you, at least explain to me the situation, because I don't understand it. I'll call you back, I'll call you back, and you know, never. And that's fine, whatever, whatever. But to me I took that as so personally, so so like existentially, that my world just nothing mattered.

Speaker 1: 29:15

And I was washing dishes and I remember staring out the window as I'm washing the dishes in my little house, my son was playing in the other room and I remember literally feeling like I am nothing, my whole existence, everything about me, nothing. And I didn't know how to process, I didn't know what to do with it, I didn't know where to do with it, I didn't know where to go with it. And so, before I could even acknowledge what I was feeling, what I was seeing in my head, my head. I was gone and that window of pretty sunlight turned into a forest of darkness and bleakness. And these words of neon, going nothing, and me standing in front of them, in front of this forest, with a tub and just standing naked, start, naked, with blood flowing through my wrists Because it just didn't matter. The earth was seeping my blood and my soul, my everything. It didn't matter. And in my head it was like the drain, just taking away every essence of inexistence. And I remember, just before I knew it, I was letting the water overflow and I was on the floor with a knife in my hands and I could not process the fact that nothing mattered. I couldn't it. Just, it would be so much better if I didn't exist, like all the problems. Everything in the world for everybody would be done.

Speaker 1: 31:10

Because not only am I a negative influence or negative existence in the place that I thought I found, but I have been through my whole life. My, you know, my father didn't. My biological father didn't want me. My biological, you know, my, my, a whole side of a family didn't care or want me at all, anything, another one, just so. So my whole life I've just always been and felt the black sheep of everything, and so, of course, everything made sense. It just all added up, added up and I don't know how, I don't know by what, what existence of this being?

Speaker 1: 31:53

But my son crawled out of his playpen and, just in the nick of time, came over and grabbed my face and was just mom, why are you so sad? And he's about five years old and he just asked me this question, why I'm so sad? And I remember that touch, just like bringing me back to existence, like to here, and I could see him and and I'm like oh, oh, my god, my kid, like my son, I'm here, oh, my god, my son. And then I could feel I could see the knife and I could feel I'm like, oh, my god, you know, like in that moment I'm like, so I put, put this moment, because I can't process what's happening, and I put it away, I get myself. He looks at me. He's like mom, why are you so sad? And I just, I have everything in me, just like a little kid, everything in me. I just crumbled and I was like I don't know, because I'm nothing, I, I'm nothing, I, I'm nothing, I can't do anything. And he's wiping my tears and he goes mom, just have to try. These simple words, this simple moment of just try, I couldn't tell you how beautiful and almost ludicrous that was to hear at the same time, because how true is that? And and and.

Speaker 1: 33:14

Then, for a moment, I had this flashback that I never remembered before and I didn't know before, I didn't understand, and it was because I had found somebody I loved dearly at the age of seven, with their wrists slit in the bathtub and being on that floor, being here in this moment, here today, but also in that room at the same time. That was the moment. That was literally the moment where I was like I really have was the moment. That was literally the moment where I was like I really have. Probably I have PTSD, and I did not understand the level of it. I had no understanding or control or conscious anything of it at all. Uh, denial, denial, denial in all shapes or forms. And so, because of that moment, my son said try, I tried to paint his face because he wanted me to paint. I tried to make an excuse about it and he told me to try again and I started painting and I started doing body painting and I started pulling myself out of these thoughts of nothing and every time the negative feeling or negative something, these words, like whatever I didn't have in my words. I started creating in that and the organization and a magazine and a document and photo shoots, photography became my escape in so many ways. And but that story, those that that was my moment of like holy shit, I really need help.

Speaker 1: 35:31

And then the weekend, maybe after that incident, I had a nightmare of paralysis, like for something that I consciously had, that I did not understand. Again, I've read about it, I did some stuff, but I didn't understand it because I never remembered that it happened. Because I never remembered that it happened. But I'm sure now, understanding the level of my trauma, understanding the depths of impact it has on a being, I'm sure I've lived in paralysis my whole life. So I was asleep one night or one morning. I was waking up. This is a dream paralysis, reality, nightmare, all that happened. So just take it for what it is okay.

Speaker 1: 36:18

But I was asleep, I was laying there, I was in bed and my husband was laying next to me. I was laying there. My son runs into the room Mom, mom, dad, wake up and you know we're getting up. My husband gets up, he's getting himself together, he goes out. He's like I'll see you out there. I'm like, okay, I'll get up right now and I go to get up.

Speaker 1: 36:38

And I cannot get up, I cannot move. So I'm like, oh shit, like I must have just slept wrong and you know, my body's not moving. So I'm thinking, okay, adela, let's, let's move. And I can't move and I can just instantly start to feel this fear and panic and I'm like I can't move, my body starts to become so heavy and so latent that I can't, I can't process. And so my mind instantly is like Adela, you watch plenty of tv shows, like you're not paralyzed. Because I'm like, oh shit, I'm paralyzed. I'm paralyzed, I can't move. What's going on?

Speaker 1: 37:06

I hear my husband laughing, I hear my son laughing, I hear them calling me, but I can't up. And I'm trying to tell them I can't get up, but no words are coming out, like nothing is coming out. And so I push, and I push, and I push and I'm like, oh, my God, these things are happening to me. I can't like, I can't get out, I can't, nobody's hearing me. So I'm like, okay, adele, calm down, calm down.

Speaker 1: 37:32

I'm literally telling myself this, like I still feel it, I remember and I'm like, okay, well, move your toes, wiggle your toes and your fingers. If you can wiggle your toes and your fingers, you're just fine. Like you're fine, it's fine. I can't move my toes or my fingers, like I genuinely cannot move. And then it's if, as if all fear, all panic, everything took in me. I'm like, start screaming for my husband. I'm calling his name, I'm calling his name, I'm calling his name and he cannot hear me and I'm getting louder and I'm, and I think I'm getting louder, but I just realized it's literally nothing, it's just screams of nothing coming out of me and I can't process why he can't hear me, why he can't come and he can't help me, and I'm screaming and this bed just becomes so like constricting and claustrophobic and it folds me in into this void of absolute nothingness. And when I tell you it was the most deafening silence of my life that I've ever been in. And it's like I'm hanging on in this bed, just hanging on to nothing, my body, my mind, my soul, separated from everything, and I cannot process and I cannot understand and I'm screaming. I'm still screaming for my husband. I'm still screaming for him to say I'm just screaming. Now I'm screaming for breath, I'm screaming for life, like I'm just screaming, and again, clear as day, this voice of calm and peace comes in and goes life or death. I knew what that meant. I knew exactly what that meant.

Speaker 1: 39:19

In that moment I had to make a decision. Was I living my life like really living, or what I was like, or was I gonna fight in survival until my death, or was I just gonna die like I knew that that's what I was being asked. And I remember screaming I want to live, I want to live. And I remember every bit of me just holding on and I want to live. And the voice said to live, you must let go.

Speaker 1: 39:55

And I'm like panic again. I'm like to let go, I can't let go. Where am I gonna go? There's nowhere to go. It's the void. It's a fucking void, like it's black. There's nowhere to go. What when I let go? Where do I go? What do I do? What do I like I can't let go? And, as if on cue, again it was when I let go. Where do I go? What do I do? What do I like I can't let go? And as I found Q, again it was trust me. To live is to let go.

Speaker 1: 40:23

And when I tell you that when I let go, I literally like physically in that void, in that space, had to physically let go, even though I'm telling you right now that, like I felt so laden when I got folded in, I was folded in into this like holding on for dear life moment. And when I let go, I woke up in my bed next to my husband with my son running in, mommy daddy, mommy daddy, next to my husband, with my son running in, mommy daddy, mommy daddy. I shot up with the most like, freshest breath of like, like I literally took in life. I can't explain it to you any other way than like I. I can't explain it to you any other way than like I inhaled. I woke up with, like, this biggest inhale and exhale of life, like I felt so much peace and joy and like everything fell into place All the sorrow, all the pain, all the searching, all the everything, all the searching, all the everything. Oh my gosh.

Speaker 1: 41:37

That moment was something that has forever driven me to here, because it's what I feel now constantly. The obstacles to get to here have been challenging from that time, but the obstacles to get to here have been challenging from that time, but I've never, never looked back from that moment and not ever wanted to be alive in that way again, like when we talk about the holy spirit or the awakening of the soul. The Holy Spirit or the awakening of the soul, the rebirths of humans, the redemption To me that's what those moments are, where we get to make a decision within ourselves and create from within ourselves a path that forever changes every fiber of our existence. Um, forever ingrained in us a whole new footprint and a map print of our life. Like it just you open up a whole new set of of maps, as if this was, you know, one of those games, or you just open up a whole world of trial and error and traversing, and, and and pushing through, but in different ways, and again that solid foundation and structure of the self. So it really that moment, that experience, everything led to us and me creating a rebirth project where I shaved my head and had to let go fully to be able to be here and again really just have a solid definition of who I am, have a solid structure now, because all these moments and all these beings and all these different personalities of myself that I was experiencing.

Speaker 1: 43:44

I again, just last year, learned that I was living in such a complex post-traumatic episode of my existence where it spiraled into a potential bipolar anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia like rheumatoid rheumatoid arthritis, cognitive loss, mobility law, like so many things. And I'm a year now in rehabilitation, like are you kidding me? It's freaking fantastic. So it's, it's exciting Because all I can say is that when you decide to face yourself and you decide to face these demons, you decide to face everything that would like. All these stories that just told you all these moments, experiences of my life.

Speaker 1: 44:34

I had to look through and face through my art. I did it through photography, I did it through painting. I did it through producing music videos or producing different creative projects producing this podcast, creating a nonprofit, producing a magazine, gosh, when I start naming off things that I do and I've done and continue to, that's what it's about, right, it's about the creation of a self. It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks or feels or sees. There's no comparison to anything other than what you have been a task given and assigned, and there's only one judge, jury and executioner. That's God himself. And for me, there's nothing more important to me than living out what gift he's given me for the third or fourth or fifth time to live To like, have a life of peace, security and safety that I get control and creation of for myself, that I get to have existence and pride in.

Speaker 1: 45:34

So let me share with you this project. I have to unplug my laptop a minute because Thank you, hello, hello, okay. And so I messed that up because I unplugged the wrong thing, because, again, I'm smart. So here we go, here we go, here we go and we're officially charging. Here we go, okay. So let's work with me right now while I work on this. Let's get into that, okay. So let's take you to the website, right here, to our rebirth project, and let's walk you through just a bit of what we did. So, right here you can see, this is our creative project initiative. This is what I love to do. So you can see that here and go check it out. I promise you, the really great community did a great job and putting it together and making sure that we look great, everything looks great, and then we get to do it, we get to execute right. We get to really share with not only the community but with ourselves, these moments.

Speaker 1: 47:11

Again, I'm so fortunate. I'm so fortunate to have had the privilege to be able to work on this, to be able to create these projects, to be able to execute things that I never thought I could. I mean, I'm literally creating for a living, like I live to create. Can you believe that that's what I do with my time, with my existence? That's what we all have the power to do. That's our ultimate divine power. That's what we all have the power to do. That's our ultimate divine power. So let me show you into our blog of what we do, because I have it all here ready at some point in my life and have to navigate it now Because, again, producer, here we go, here we go, got it up, got it up and running. So let's take a look in here. You go to our blog, you'll find just the behind the scenes of what we did, and I wanted to share with you the importance of me. I'm going to be rewriting this a bit more in a different way, but it's just so important for me to highlight some of these humans who helped me create this, this project.

Speaker 1: 48:13

Again, that whole story, all the stories I told you me finding the human that I love at seven with a wristlet, because they had no value and they felt like they were nothing. Not only did this human just survive the unimaginable surviving one part of a war, but to survive another and to get into this right, like physical war, to now this, then with everything else around them, then to come to different places in a whole different country in a space. When I think about that, and then I think about my journey, I've survived a whole experience of life that I didn't know, and I have literally fought a war in every way and and so when I realized part of healing was music for me, uh, a song that songs are like my scripture. Well, they were my scripture before I got back to scripture, but scripture was the way I would connect to God and the way I would connect to my faith was through music, because I was so lost, I was so confused, and so in my worst times, music always came through because it would make me feel and it would force me to feel who I was, where I was, and you know this song that I'm about to tell you, uh, called Journey, by Natasha Bloom, who became a very dear friend of mine. I could not have asked for a better entry into this world of art and this world of creation and through that, because every lyric in that song and I'll share with you, you know, right now, this, this moment over every lyric in that song, um, that she wrote Once. I learned her story behind it too. It was just just astounding to me. But every lyric that she wrote in this, in here, uh, for her like so here she is, journey, um, ready to fly, by Natasha Bloom.

Speaker 1: 50:18

Like I said, she is a not only is she a phenomenal singer, she's a phenomenal songwriter and she is a captivating human being and I am so excited for you guys to one day really see her and meet her that way. But for now, meet her through her music. She's so phenomenal. But anyway, literally the first part of it is when you commit to a path I guess you're on your own, follow your dreams to a place in a space, the grace that takes you home. You don't have to tell me once or twice, wonder why we're here. We just gotta stop the flood before we lose it all and drown from fear. That, right there, I saw the whole, everything right, I saw. I saw the whole, everything right. I saw everything. I saw the scenes, I saw how it was flowing, what we were doing, how I was going to get home. I saw it all and I saw this journey that I was on. And the other part of her lyrics were I'm ready to fly. But let me tell you, I'm ready to fly. I've survived the rainstorms, sandstorms. I fought the war. Now it's time to go home.

Speaker 1: 51:29

When you listen to the song and when you hear the crescendos and the instruments and the production of this was just phenomenal to me. I love it all, but when you hear it and when you close your eyes and you're in it, it just it took me home. It took me through my past, present and my future. It took me through three generations of humans processing the same trauma. It took me through this journey of I have the power to change something and create something bigger.

Speaker 1: 52:00

And again, that moment of let go right. How was I going to let go? For me it's always been I will face it head on. I cannot let go on something until I face it and I have a conversation with it. That really meant I had to have a conversation with myself. Had to have a conversation with myself because, in order for me to let go, in order for me to even acknowledge that there was something to let go, I had to acknowledge that I existed. I had to acknowledge that I existed. I had to look in the mirror and I had to process and I had to replay this process of my existence and I had to decide that I was going to shed it. I was going to, in a sense, bury it, kill it, decide that this identity and this narrative of me was not who I decided, who I am, who I want to be, in no way shape or form, nor was it ever going to be right. So I'm going to go home was my thing Right, and at that time, home for me, every time I thought of home, was going home to Bosnia, right. It was going home and touching the soil of my land and it was healing myself through the soil of my land. Listen to my words.

Speaker 1: 53:27

For years I have said I needed to heal myself through the soil of my land and every year I would say we're going to go home. This year we're going to do this, we're going to do this, we're going to do this. And every year I would either have an opportunity or I would say we're going to go home. This year, we're going to do this, we're going to do this, we're going to do this. And every year I would either have an opportunity or none of it would work out, or it would be something that just didn't happen. Because I didn't make it happen? Because if I really wanted it, it would have happened.

Speaker 1: 53:49

And about a year ago year and a half ago no, two years ago now I was sitting in the backyard and I was doing stuff and just doing my old thing and I was angry at myself, angry at God, angry at everybody, angry at the world, angry why I'm not home, why can't I get home. I want to go home and again, clear as day, peace washes over Silence. This void, this moment, this voice, this clarity said Adela, you are searching for a home, for a soil, for a land that you are already standing on. You have a land in your backyard you're not even willing to touch, you're not willing to cultivate, but you're searching for a soil that you have no knowledge or understanding of, that you have no true connection to what you were, just born there, what you were. So somehow you what? And I understand that this is some may disagree with my concept of what I, but this was the conversation that was had with me.

Speaker 1: 54:52

Okay, home is where you create it, home is what you cultivate, home is what you decide to build, and so for me, I had to look around my surroundings, I had to look at that and realize that I was not putting anything into, into that I was not willing to get dirty in my own home, but yet I was willing to fight for a home that I literally, literally have no understanding or knowledge of, and it's my home. I know that because for two years of my life I was raised there, I slept there, so I know that. But when it comes down and I look at it, and then I look at it from the legal perspective and I look at it from the family's perspective and I look at it from everything I have no land. I personally don't get anything. You know, I have different last names. I have different I again, I'm the I don't. I don't get anything, not by blood, not by marriage, not by heritage, not by culture. No, I don't get anything. So what am I fighting for if I'm not creating for something?

Speaker 1: 56:04

That's here, and that's when I took it, that's when it was really, really like, clear to me, but none of it would have been clear if it wasn't for that project, right? None of it had been clear if it wasn't for this experience of my life that I had, in which I got to share with not only myself, right, but I got to share with a few humans, and I'm going to share with you just a few images of this project that just absolutely, um, were phenomenal for me because, well, well they were. But here's what I want to share with you how it all started on there. This is the rebirth project of how it started. Oh, part one it started with this. It started with this image.

Speaker 1: 56:52

When I started, I said I started healing when I recognized that I really had to face some traumas, and one of the healing ways was through painting. That was my first sketch painting I've ever done, ever Like ever. I remember the night I did it. I remember what I was feeling, I remember how lost I was. I remember how much I needed someone to talk to and I had reached out again. This is a different night compared to this, but I didn't have anyone and, instead of reaching out to my usual thing, I reached to a paintbrush and I painted that, and to me, that is something I will treasure forever, because that is the painting of me facing literally the thing that I could never get into a bathtub. Not only did you know I find the loved one there, but I also had to wash uniforms of soldiers in a bathtub after war, for because that with that I could not do so as part of expression and part of healing and exercises in that was that we were going to make sure that we did everything possible for me to face it, and so one was.

Speaker 1: 58:16

We started with a painting. Well, I did with a painting. We got inspired, found the song Natasha, and then I contacted her, asked for the licensing. We bought the licensing too, so we could use it properly, because it's the right thing to do, and then we became friends, and so here is just some of the few images that we did. Here's the sketch, sketch that I did actually, and this is the sketch that, as I said, represents quite a bit of that, and I didn't know necessarily, when I was doing, going through this process, that this is something that I was, that was impacting me as much like I just didn't, I didn't consciously understand that. Um, this is the shaped head part of it. I just have to say I love Will Cook so much. I'm so thankful for him and his want to be here and share with me this experience, um, and just this journey of existing and seeing see my, my, my story through my eyes, honestly, and being the director in what this is and what we did. So definitely check it out and I can't wait to share with you some of this footage that we have in our documentary that's coming out to define the narrative and it just walks you through. Like I said, we walk you through.

Speaker 1: 59:34

I really decided that this was going to be the project that I was going to heal with and if I was going to let it go, let everything go. I was and, like I said, I really went to, I faced it, I recreated the image, I put it in through and went through an artistic way. I had a team of people around me that I, that time in particular, needed to have and I trusted and I wanted to have, needed to have and I trusted and I wanted to have and through these, through these process of these creative projects that we've done and I've done, I've had the ability to really learn about myself, learn about humans and just this idea that I I have used humans for my healing like no one's business, and I'm not ashamed of that at all. I'm not. Now, could I have gone about it definitely in so many different, better ways? Yes, 100%, 100%. But do I believe that humans heal humans? Yes, do I believe that we are the ones that are going to ensure that we survive? Yes, absolutely. Do I believe that we are better than we think we are and that there's so much more goodness in it than we think there is, and that we're not as different as we think we are? Yes, yes, I do.

Speaker 1: 1:01:01

I believe that in this country, in this place, in this space, where we have the freedom and the privilege to have conversation, where we have the freedom and the privilege to speak our minds, and for us, where we have the privilege to get offended, to get disrespected honestly, because without that privilege, we would be in jail or dead. I'm not even kidding on that and, coming from the experiences of my life, I get to say that. I get to literally tell you and put that in perspective to you. So I want to challenge and implore you to look at your life, look at your voice, advocate for your existence and your reality for yourself, not for the world. If there's one thing I've learned the world doesn't care, no one cares. There is no one on this planet when it comes to the world or the social construct that cares about anything in your small world construct that cares about anything in your small world.

Speaker 1: 1:02:02

And one of the things I've learned through my journey is that it I, you know, it's absolutely true, I am nothing, but I'm also everything at the same time. I am nothing in the grand scheme of things of of this huge world and this huge human social construct and this life that we call like. I am nothing to that because it's so grand it's. I am a speck in that, like I am just the speck. It's like the horton here's a who movie. That's speck. I'm just that like we're all a speck with our own worlds right, with our own ideas and our own humans around us who create us, who mold us, who shape us, who define us.

Speaker 1: 1:02:48

And if we don't decide on what is the right tool, foundation, resource, structure, word, whatever you might want to call it for our own being, for our own soul, if we don't decide that for ourselves and allow everyone else around us to decide that, then we don't get to heal the way we're designed to right. So the reason I say that is because I, again, I struggle so hard, because I coach part of Project Human and my services and the things that we offer is that we could do coaching sessions, mental health coaching sessions, and basically I'm not here to advise you on your status or anything about medical advice in any shape or form. I have no way or none of that. What I do is I look at you and I look at your life and I assess whether you are in the living need or a survival need. And part of our project, part of our goal that we have already, is that we have a roadmap to functionality, which I showed you guys on that home page where you can go and check it out to, and on that home page right there you could, you know, see it and you can get your download it for yourself too. But on there it asks you are you in the living or a survival need?

Speaker 1: 1:04:05

I was in a survival need. I was stuck in a fight mode completely and I was fighting and fighting, fighting, fighting and fleeing every single second I could, from every single situation of my existence until it became unbearable and I literally my physical health took a toll. And up until even 2022, I was fighting. Still after we finished checkmate, I was fighting. We finished um the documentary portion one, I was fighting. I remember collapsing in one of my teammates' arms after we finished the documentary portion just because it couldn't walk. It could not walk two years ago and then in 2022, towards November, I started getting nosebleeds that were so bad, so bad to the point where I was like I'm going to die, like this is ridiculous, what is going on.

Speaker 1: 1:04:58

And I went through all the tests and I'll share more of that detail later. I know, you know, but I went through all that. I documented that I was. I went through that and the hardest part of accepting everything that happens in life is accepting that it happened to you. So for me, as I sat in the neurologist's office, finally, it didn't help at all. You know, we we took away my. We undiagnosed me with fibromyalgia, which was fantastic. We undiagnosed me with rheumatoid arthritis, which was fantastic.

Speaker 1: 1:05:33

But the thing that we really needed to diagnose me with was complex PTSD and dissociative amnesia. And I remember sitting there and thinking like I know it's true, like I know it. Every fiber in my being explains every part of me that's just been functioning the way it's functioned for the last like 30 years. It's been fucked up and I know that's the reason, but it can't be the reason like. It can't be as simple as PTSD, like because my mind, my mind, couldn't process it, even though my body understood it and my soul understood it, and so it was really, from then on, having to connect the three of them and being like no mind, like you have to accept the fact, and if it wasn't for my own coaching sessions with people and through conversations, I wouldn't have been able to accept that, because I wouldn't have been able to have these honest conversations, whether generalized or not they apply.

Speaker 1: 1:06:37

And one of the things that have been able to have these honest conversations Whether generalized or not they apply, and one of the things that I was able to have, which I forgot to mention earlier and I want to mention right now let me get back to it really quick that I think is just really important is on our website under the podcast. If you are there and listening website under the podcast, if you are there and listening, um, and when you get to go onto, you know, onto the website and you see it underneath there, under our season one to birth, to resilience. Look at that, which, by the way, thank you again, you guys were we're doing great. So many episodes so far and so many more to come out. I'm so excited.

Speaker 1: 1:07:19

But back to the point. Underneath here you can see that we have a section called Define your Narrative Books for Change, and one of the things that genuinely helped me restructure and reshape every bit of my existence was was again, I go back to educating myself. Educating myself through different perspectives, through things I don't understand, things. I'm uncomfortable with, things that I may or may not agree with, but I should at least try to understand, and so my first step was just to understand myself. Before I can understand anyone else or anybody else's plight or fight or situation, I had to understand my own, where I was, where I was, where I'm coming from, what I'm doing the whole nine yards, because if I don't, again I'm I'm. I'm pretending that I know what I'm talking about and I don't. Now I can tell you I do know what I'm talking about, I understand it.

Speaker 1: 1:08:22

I'm not saying it's an easy process by any means necessary. I'm telling you it's one of the hardest things you're going to have to do is to walk the path of yourself and to look at yourself, to navigate yourself, to really really redefine your own identity. Not the identity you were born with, not the stories that were told to you, not the narratives and the constructs of everything around you your environment, your geography, your economics none of that. You get to define it right, you get to shape it. You get to look at it and decide for yourself. That is the privilege and the freedom that we have, that is our birthright to think and be free and to make the decisions for ourselves. That is our God-given literally our God-given gift. So make that decision for yourself. Make the decision that you're better and worth it and that your value of yourself you can find for yourself. I'm not saying you're gonna, and this is the part where I, through my coaching sessions, as I mentioned earlier I've had a couple of them this last week, right A lot of the times that I hear a lot of times I like myself.

Speaker 1: 1:09:39

I've had a couple of them this last week, right, a lot of the times that I hear a lot of times I like myself, I like myself, I like myself. There's an extreme difference between the like of a self and the worth of a self. You have to define that. I don't care whether I like myself or not. There are days my likeness can go up and down and out the window. There are days where my likeness scale is like ooh, I'm just the greatest ever. I like myself. And then there are days where I am below the belowest of just. There's nothing to like about me. There is not a damn thing to like about me or my existence. Nothing to like about me. There is not a damn thing to like about me or my existence. So the question then becomes am I worth this life? And damn, yes, are you worth this life? Yes, are you worth this existence? Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 1: 1:10:34

So when I think of that, I think of again, the, again, the narrative of the self, the words and the way. You can start to do that is by starting to listen to different perspectives and identifying the ones that sit well with your soul, mind, body, with your whole ideology of what you see your life as right, what your potential and your purpose is. And you may not know it all, but you do see it. There are images of it. Are they full pictures? No, are they snaps of, maybe snippets of you running your fingers across something and you're like you can taste it, smell it, touch it, but you don't have the whole picture. Why not fight for that snippet right, that snippet of potential for your existence? And that's all of this. And so I have been able to find me and redefine my narrative through these books and these, these voices and these different narratives, these different conversations, and so one of them that we did and I did, uh, where we have and you can again find for yourself, is right here. You can click on it. These are free resources, again, free things that you can pop in audiobooks right now. You can pop in and listen while you are taking care of other things that are not requiring you to maybe think so, maybe while you're cleaning, taking out the dog on a walk or just in the process of needing something different. Absolutely, check it out. Okay, check it out.

Speaker 1: 1:12:03

One of my favorite new books that I just finished, uh, listening to, and I'm actually going to re-listen to it again, is the courage to be disliked. I love the conversation between the teacher and the um, the student here, and it's a really great philosophical conversation that there's different ways that it challenges the student's perspective, but also where I get to look at it and now maybe challenge it my own way, challenge the teacher's perspective. So I really enjoyed it. Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules for Life that changed my whole perspective. Honestly, it changed everything about who I was, where I was and what I was thinking, because the rules were so simple. The rules are so stupidly simple.

Speaker 1: 1:12:44

When I say that, I mean that, with all due respect, okay, because they're make your bed, they're walk straight, stand up straight, they're your posture right, they're don't lie and to yourself, like, if you can stop lying to yourself about how you feel, what you're thinking, whether you like something, whether you think something's good or bad or whatever, like the smallest menu things, if you can stop, if you stop lying to yourself, you are absolutely going to stop lying to others. Have I stopped lying to myself yet? No, I'm working on that, but that rule is circled. I am really working on that and I know the lies come when I start to get such anxious, such anxiety about my existence, about the view of the world. Those are lies and I'm lying to myself about that because it's not what my experience is now of it like at all, not even close. So, uh, self-discipline was a phenomenal short. It was pretty short, but it was a phenomenal.

Speaker 1: 1:13:43

Listen and and the idea, because that word is so scary self-discipline, right, accountability and courage and dislike those words are scary. Ownership, extreme ownership. But those words are scary because they imply that we're not well put together, that we don't have control over our lives. And that's true. That's true, the implication is true. So what does that mean? It means that we should take it upon ourselves to become accountable, to become responsible, to learn, to educate ourselves, to push past what might be holding us back, right.

Speaker 1: 1:14:16

And so when I think again back on my own stories in my life, I can separate them into two, because I look at my now, my diagnoses, as my dissociative amnesia is the ability to separate two lives that I know I have lived. I can say I have a past life of tragedy and a past life of circumstance that it was absolutely under my control, and a past life that is just extremely brutal and dark. However, I have a life now that I'm living. That's an absolute delight, it's a joy, it's a blessing every day to be able to do this. It's a the ability just to again, just to do this. This is ridiculous, and the fact that I fear it every day, or I fear myself every day, or I question my ability every day, it's still astounding to me today, because I know that the being that's questioning is that the being that is the child within me that's honestly still continuing forever, will continue to to secure her safety, to secure her own life, because I will never be away from that, like that's what. I will never be away.

Speaker 1: 1:15:20

But when I can dissociate that or I can separate that and I can look at it from that perspective and go, okay, well, when I'm not in my state of control, in my state of existence, in my ownership of myself, and I don't have the discipline to have that conversation with myself, then I need to look at what's happening. Maybe it's the inner child, the inner being, the self that is completely feeling something that I need to listen to and I need to pause for a minute and I need to shift my perspective from my own self and into that situation in that moment and go okay, what's happening here? Why am I so anxious? Why is this? What really is that bother? Oh, okay, adela, it's not that you're afraid of, it's not that you're afraid of this. It's not that you're afraid of that, it's the fact that you can see certain things that if you get out there, if you do this, that maybe your patterns of response might not be exactly ready for the onslaught that might be coming. Okay, well, that's something for you to adjust and we something for you to adjust and we can adjust that like we can work through that. And I say, because that's the conversation I have with myself I say it like that because it really is the conversation, um, and the other book that taught me more of that really put into perspective again where I come from and being a civilian of war and getting to own that now and I don't mean that so proudly, but I am proud that I have survived something that a lot of humans are not surviving to this day, every day, and I, my war, my war that happened is constantly happening right now.

Speaker 1: 1:16:46

There's a hundred, over 150 countries in a war right now, in some sort of a death war, and for me, when I look at it from that perspective, I am so blessed, I'm so grateful and I'm so proud that I'm here and I'm alive and I am and I have the privilege to do something with my everyday, mundane, insignificant life, that some that to the scale of the grand things is, so on that. But to me, the choices, the decisions I make, the way I progress in my existence towards that potential that God has set forth of being a good, kind human being and compassion and understanding, then I am fulfilling it, because then the tasks that I'm doing to accomplish those goals are always just going to be the tasks that I do, which is to educate myself, inform myself. Goals are always just going to be the tasks that I do, which is to educate myself, inform myself and advocate. Those are the tasks that are, along with that, um, so extreme ownership, uh by uh, joko wilkin will link willing. I'm sorry I cannot say speak or say it now, but anyway. So that book, right there, extreme Ownership. I listened to that and I listened to it three times, because it really one.

Speaker 1: 1:18:04

I understand the importance of decisions and small details and what that means, and I understand the situations that he talks about, whether or not I was, you know, in that mind frame, in the way that they were as a military operation. When you're a civilian of war, you're in your own operation of survival, no matter what's the strategy, and planning and securing things is the same way, and strategy, planning and securing those are the same objectives on the other end, and understand, like, having the ability to understand that, correlate that and put it into my perspective and being like, okay, well, if I apply those same techniques and tactics to my life right now and securing and planning and strategizing for my objectives and goals which is security, which is peace, which is stability okay, well, I will use what I've learned in that environment and apply here, because it can't, this here can't be worse than that, it can't be bigger than that, like it just can't. So, okay, what can't this here can't be worse than that, it can't be bigger than that, like it just can't. So, okay, what can I do here now?

Speaker 1: 1:19:04

Uh, and then the other one that I have read or I've listened to twice now. It's a long one, it's a long one, but it's worth the absolute listen to. It's called the body, keeps the score and it is absolutely a phenomenal. Although slightly on the sometimes can I get through this side, but because of the information right and the education that you receive from it, there's just, it's overwhelming, it's a lot, it's a lot to process. But it is an absolutely amazing resource for you to understand what your body goes through when it's in a traumatic experience, right, what you experience, what you don't think you experience.

Speaker 1: 1:19:45

And for me, when I think back, like that book always consistently reminds me when I listen to it, reminds me it really, and now, honestly, and now it's giving me the ability to remember better I don't know how, but maybe I'm just safer in my experience and have created that structure for myself where my body and my mind are connecting and feel safe enough to communicate, right, but when I think about that, what the body remembers and what it does not, you know what the mind will erase from what the body has gone through, the images or the things that come to my mind, sometimes I look at and I go that's not possible. Like right, like that's not possible, those cannot be real. They must have been a movie, I must have, like just seen it somewhere. They must, it had to have been. And then the more I you know, I I heal I don't necessarily think about him so much but the more I heal.

Speaker 1: 1:20:39

And then, when they pop up again and more clarity and more understanding, I go, no, they happen, maybe not in the order that they did or in the timeline, but they happen and it's hard for the mind to process, but the body keeps the score, man. The body keeps it and it will remind you whether, in your physical manifestation of illness, like right, like I literally went because of how much trauma I was holding in, because I was not expressing the emotion of the, and whenever, when I look back on some of my writings, that I wrote some of the pieces of my entries and my journaling when I was conscious enough to do so, when I describe the pain that I feel, this enormous emptiness, this soul gut-wrenching, this, just like it, really like I, I it's so, it it's so deep, okay, it just so buried deep down there, that it it takes your breath away. It takes your ability to process, it takes your ability to to even just under, like it overrides every sense of your existence. And I remember when I remember those feelings and when I remember being in that space and how. And then I would suppress it. I wouldn't let it come out in a cry or in even a silent scream. I would not, absolutely not. That is weakness that you can.

Speaker 1: 1:22:10

Goodness, was that the wrong thing to do? Was that the wrong thing to do? Because, again it manifests, the body keeps the score. Because, again it manifests, the body keeps the score. So everything comes back into educating yourself, informing yourself about who you are, what you want to listen to, where you want to go, why, understanding for your own self who, what, where, when and how, um, why you're doing what you're doing. Those questions you answer for yourself with every decision you make. I know that seems like oh my god, but why are you acting the way you're acting? How are you going to achieve those things? What's the priority? When is it going to happen? You know? Whom is it going to affect? Is it just going to affect you? Is it going to affect the people you love? There's so many things that, as a conscious being, you start to think about when it comes to your actions and your responses, that when you face your trauma, you face these fears.

Speaker 1: 1:23:08

And I, now that I can talk about these moments, and again, to anyone who have ever been a negative, quote, unquote negative experience too in my life, right, or we've had that negative and you are right for your existence of it, I'm telling you right, hundred percent, right now. You are right. You're right, because my existence was negative for you. It will never have matched. We're not on the same wavelength, we're not on the same path of thought, of vibration, of potential. We're not. We could be, we could be if we were open to it together.

Speaker 1: 1:23:44

But we're not because where I am and where you are are not, you know, meshing, and what I've learned is in my use of people to heal, I would use people and I would suck the life and the energy out of them. I would, I absolutely would. I know that now because somebody told me really good and hard, but I would suck the life and energy out of them because I needed it to live and survive. And then I would take that but I would give it back. I would give it back and I would be so, but I would give it back to the wrong people. I would not give it and replenish the people that had punished me. I would not give it and replenish the people that have punished me. I would not.

Speaker 1: 1:24:23

A lot of people who I valued and I didn't tell necessarily or show through my energy or through that conscious existence that I valued have gone from my life and that's fine, that's good, like I understand. But I also know that they, now that I think about it too, they weren't good for my life either. Right, I was not my push for myself. I needed to do this on my own, and no matter how much I've tried to drag people along for the ride, dragging people around for your own ride is not never gonna make anything happen for you. Like ever, I that right there. But dragging yourself for along for the ride and becoming best friends with yourself, becoming this being of yourself right for yourself, is literally, well, the most fun thing you can do. So, yeah, so there's that become your best friend.

Speaker 1: 1:25:12

That's really the lesson of this whole podcast, of this whole episode, is become best friends with yourself, learn to love yourself and learn to learn the difference between your worth and the likeness and the love. Love and like are again fleeting words, but worth, like, your worth, only comes from your ability to look at life, to face life, to reflect upon it and to decide that you're worth the fight. You, yourself, are worth the fight, and there's no one that's going to fight for you but you. There's no one that's going to be your biggest cheerleader but you. There's no one that's going to look at yourself and say, oh my God, I did this. I did this right, because who's going to love you in a way that understands you better than yourself? God is the only one who can love you without any need to understand or any need to process, because it's done, it's created. Love is created.

Speaker 1: 1:26:22

Our need to feel so much love from everyone else and to feel this fulfillment of validation is also what's causing a lot of our problems and suffering. So I encourage you to really assess your feelings, assess where you're at and ask yourself a question Are these feelings that I'm feeling truly and honestly worth the fight that I need to fight today? Because I have a family to take care of, or I have my own self to take care of, or I have a business to take care of, or I have my own self to take care of, or I have a business to take care of Because I have goals and dreams that I need to live a part of. And again, speaking from someone Me speaking is this you can find me. I've been on feelings, feelings, feelings. I promise you I'm the other side of it. This is me speaking from experience, not because I think I know, but I experienced it.

Speaker 1: 1:27:18

I lived on feelings for a long time, and then I lived without feelings for a long time and then it all came crashing down and I couldn't understand what feeling was, what it meant, how to gauge it, how to control it, what was good, what was bad, how much. And the emotional intelligence, the emotional education that it took in understanding that. It took me going through and understanding a lot of my own, again, faults, my own behaviors, my own. I didn't have any accountability for myself, I didn't have any responsibility. I didn't want it, I wanted. I didn't have any responsibility, I didn't want it, I wanted everyone else to do it for me.

Speaker 1: 1:28:03

Because in my own mind excuse the sounds if I did it, it would be egotistical that I get to say I did it, I did it, I did it. So I'll give credit to everyone else because everyone else will get the credit to do it and everyone else will just it's them, they did it, them, they did it, they did it. And then I'll still be mad that I didn't do it. I'll still be mad that I didn't do it. Then the like are you kidding me, adela? Are you kidding me? So I had to stop kidding myself and start really having an honest conversation to do that um. But I want to end with you guys going back into the rebirth project, because it really is my, um, my heart and soul, and I just want to share with you just a few pieces of the like, the video itself, and I'll ask you guys to go online and watch it and kind of see it for yourself, because it's it's again, it's quite to me, it's quite phenomenal, like it's quite phenomenal that we get to create something for our own versions, like I got to create that for me.

Speaker 1: 1:29:09

So I get to look at it now and say, adela, I see the pain you're in, I see the courage it took for you to be so vulnerable. I see, when I looked at that after we did it, I was like, oh my god, adela, what were you thinking? How could you do that? What were you thinking? What were you thinking to speak on that and to just your dark like, are you kidding me? Now I look at it and I go you know what, adela, you're right, you knew what you were doing. You, you do, you, you express yourself the way you need to and I will follow along, because you have the experience of understanding life that I don't and that I need to learn from you. This is me speaking to myself. I have the experience to learn from life that I'm not listening to. We all have it. We all have it, and so I wanted to share that with you.

Speaker 1: 1:30:02

So let me make sure that I do this right really quick. Bear with me, because, as you know, I am the greatest in being able to do all the things that I want to do. Here we go, here we go, here we go. Will it work? Nope, that did not work. Okay, well, maybe I'm not going to do that. So what I need you to do because obviously we're not going to do that is oh, maybe it will, maybe it will, so, maybe it will. Let's see.

Speaker 1: 1:30:47

Okay, so I want to show you a couple of my favorite pieces of this project. Let me make sure that on your end, it looks right when we do that full screen. It should, I think it should, but let's make sure, because I really know how to do this. That's okay. We'll just do it this way. If you're interested in being a producer for me, so you could do this for me, please let me know. I'm here. I got you holler at me. Help me out.

Speaker 1: 1:31:23

Ah, there's my little thing in there, so let me show you one of my, a couple of my favorite pieces from this project that I didn't even think about in detail wise, that my man Will did, and one of these pieces was this right here was the reflection to my tattoo that is for my son, because that's literally the foreshadowing to the future of my life. It's like that's what the pulse and the beat is, that's who saved it all, that's who did that, and I didn't. I didn't even think about the way he did it in this little shot, in the scene, and the way his visual is, and that's why I love him so much. I love the way he can see for me, the details that I don't see or I miss, even though, as I'm detail oriented as I am, he'll come in and he'll even see a bigger detail and like and that's the detail that I miss and that's the most important detail which is like this one, like right here. So that reflection, that right there, her voice is just phenomenal. Her voice is just phenomenal.

Speaker 1: 1:32:33

I can't, I want you guys to watch it for yourself. I want you to experience it, because I think it's important for you to understand the whole song, the whole concept of it and also, quick thing on this, we didn't even get to film scene two because COVID came down and we had to shut it all down, so we didn't even get to film scene two. So there's a whole scene missing from what we had to do. But this is how insane I was and I was like no, we just gotta, I gotta do it, I gotta let, I got to stop contemplating on my life and start living it. And the only way I can do that is by actually creating something that I get to say I'm done with, like that chapter, even though I didn't know I was done until I am now, like until now, but now I know I am, I wasn't then this contemplation here, that like hand touch. So, anyway, all of these moments, I want you to go check it out. And then I want you to check out Will, because this he did a phenomenal job.

Speaker 1: 1:33:34

We had a great time filming this, doing this, working on this, at least from my perspective. I hope they did too, but I again, I'm so thankful, I'm so honored and I'm so thankful to be here, to have this experience, to have this privilege, to have this freedom to speak to you in a way that most of us don't get to. So I encourage you to follow your dreams right. I encourage you to follow your want. I encourage you to be honest with yourself, to become accountable, to become responsible. I encourage you to be really reflective of the decisions and the actions and the reactions of your life. Once you can do that, I promise you.

Speaker 1: 1:34:22

It's not going to be an easy road, I promise you, but I know I'm not doing a great selling point on this, but the rewards are going to be so much better. There is nothing like the reward of it. There's nothing like it. So give yourself the opportunity to fight for you. Give yourself the chance to see how great and how valuable you are, and recognize that your greatness and my greatness like neither one of us, there's nothing less great about either one of us, just because there's two greatnesses existing in the world Like every human's greatness is great for the world. Let's celebrate it, let's encourage it, let's love it. Let's be proud of it, right, let's love.

Speaker 1: 1:35:09

So anyway, there's the episode. I thank you, guys so much for listening. I thank you for letting me share with you this story and getting vulnerable and being a part of being a part of a world where vulnerability is important and it's necessary, and that's the way we're going to be able to learn compassion. But we also have to recognize that we cannot use the vulnerability that we share with each other against against each other. We have to accept it, understand it and allow us to hold and own our own vulnerability. It's not our place to again be the judge, jury and executioner of anybody else's life or anybody else's thoughts, decisions, none of that. We are here to do the best we can and to make the right decisions for the collective and common good versus a singular individual. But your individualism is so important in the contribution of the social good, so it's a going hand in hand.

Speaker 1: 1:36:17

So you have to know your worth, but you also have to know that on the you have. So how? So I have to know that, on the grand scheme of things, like, what are you gonna do, man? Be happy with your life today. Do the best you can today, strive for today, that's it. Go home and love your family, love your spouse or love yourself. Spread some joy, joy, pray to God, and if you don't, that's okay too, but give yourself the opportunity to have faith, faith in something bigger than yourself. That's all I got on to say today.

Speaker 1: 1:36:49

Thank you, I love you. Oh, the other one is don't forget to like, follow, subscribe, share, do all the good things. And actually we have a feedback now portion, I believe on the podcast, so you guys can leave some comments or send text messages. So test that out for me, let me know and maybe I can reply. I'm working through that out. So let me know. But in all goodness, in all fairness, I love you guys. Thank you so much and many, many, many blessings. I wish you nothing but love, graciousness and whatever else you desire this year and next year and for the rest of your life, till next time.