Speaker 1: 0:07

hello friends, hello friends. I, oh, I'm so excited to be back, to be filming, to be doing all the good stuff. I've been recording interviews for the last couple of weeks and the education I've been getting, the communication I've been learning to have and then just learning about human beings, has been fantastic. So before I get into the episode and before I get into any of this stuff, let me welcome you. Welcome to the Artist Within Podcast. My name is Adela Hatel.

Speaker 1: 0:40

For those of you who know me by now, thank you so much for listening, for following, for supporting. For those of you who don't, please follow us, support us like, subscribe, do all the good stuff that comes with this. That would be great. It helps me and helps Project Human, it helps the rest of us grow and it also helps me share voices and stories of humans within our community and elsewhere that we potentially wouldn't be hearing because, well, we wouldn't think about these humans to have these conversations with. And my whole goal with the podcast is that we are talking through and processing through as it is happening, not when we succeed, not when it's all said and done, but now, because it's necessary to do it. Now and done, but now because it's necessary to do it now. So, with that being said, it is also suicide awareness, suicide prevention and awareness month. Still, and for anyone who is struggling or needs any assistance in any shape or form, first and foremost, we're not medical professionals. I'm not a medical professional in any shape or form, but I do have and speak from lived experience and personal experience of living with complex PTSD, anxiety, depression and many other things related to complex PTSD.

Speaker 1: 1:55

So, with that being said, I want you to take a moment and recognize that you do have resources, like as I'm popping up on the screen right now for those of you are watching, or on YouTube thank you for watching there the 988 lifeline we have right here on our screen right now for those of you are watching now 988 lifeline org. You can talk, text chat with anyone. They also have ASL available for those who need it as well there. This is a great resource for uh for you to come on and take a look at and talk to somebody if you need to. Part of 988 mission is to make a safe space and available space for humans to uh communicate and share where they're at, but also be able to give you the resources you may need at this moment. So take a moment and take a look at that. For those of you again who are watching on our screen, it is on the screen right now and for those of you who are listening, it's 988lifelineorg. It's an important organization and it is an important cause and it's an important resource that is available to you on a nationwide scale and also at a instant need basis.

Speaker 1: 3:15

The other one I want to mention in resource that we have locally here in Jacksonville is called NAMI Jaxx. And NAMI Jaxx and NAMI Jaxx bear with me for one second, let me pull it up. Here we go. Nami Jaxx is here in Jacksonville located. They are a chapter, part of a wider national chapter of the National Alliance on Mental Health and Illness. They have been around for over 30 years. They are an extremely important organization nationwide, but as well locally.

Speaker 1: 3:54

So for those of you who are reaching or who are asking even me hey, adela, what can I do? Where can I go? How can I get some help they are a great resource. Again, I'm not in a position to neither is Project Human at the moment to be able to provide resources in a way that are instantaneous. However, we are a resource in advocating, educating and informing you of resources that are there, and this is one of them, so you can get some educational resources from them. There are classes that are free to you. They have programs that you can go through, so if you need to peer to peer courses, I've taken them. I have taken a couple of courses there and talk to them Also.

Speaker 1: 4:34

The other thing I wanted to add on is that there is a NAMI walks happening October 19. For those of you who are interested in supporting mental health and celebrating the accomplishments of what we have done and how far we've come, they're going to be hosting that on Saturday, again October 19th, and Project Human will be there. We are going to have our booth stationed there as our way to support them as well, and so we would love for you to come on board, register, donate or volunteer sponsor. Whatever way you or form you can help support that day or support the NAMI mission, because, again, they're a great resource and they're a great way to for you yourself. If you need something instant, something fast, they do respond pretty fast and it's local. Again, the great thing about this is that it's local. It's here, it's in Jacksonville, it's right downtown and you are able to get yourself some resources and some help if you need it.

Speaker 1: 5:32

So that is that part that I wanted to share, because I think it's important for one you to know where you can get some help, but to what's kind of happening in that state. There's a lot more that I want to share with you when it comes to mental health and when it comes to the things that are happening and I'm putting that together in the best way that I can and that I'm understanding, and so I'll be sharing that with you. As far as some legislative things that are happening because I am part of a committee that is doing that and also for those of you who are available, I believe October 2nd or 4th I'll add it and double-check it and I don't know where it went, but we will be hosting a discussion that will be available to you through our advocacy group and I'll share that link with some of our representatives about mental health. I'll share that link with you guys and that information as soon as I look it up, because I didn't prepare for that part to add into this conversation. I don't know why it's part of that, but sometimes you miss the little things. So there's that I wanted to share that with you, because the next thing I want to talk to you about is really, really personal.

Speaker 1: 6:44

As I mentioned, I was diagnosed this past year with in 2023, towards the end of 2023, with complex PTSD officially, not that I didn't know I had it, not that I wasn't aware that it existed, but PTSD in itself was very, and is still new in some sense, but was very new at the time when I came to the states and when we were, you know the effects of war on children or the effects of huge trauma on children or on adults in situations like that, and then migration and all the other good things that come along with that I did not understand the severity of it. And again, even when I started into Project Human and into this mental health world of understanding what it means to be healthy in the mental capacity, I had to really learn that it was as a whole being, not just the mind but the whole being. To really learn that it was as a whole being not just the mind but the whole being, which I'll be talking to you guys about, towards in just a little bit about how I'm coping with a lot of these things, but a lot of the issues or problems or side effects, whatever you want to call them. Triggers that come for me personally with complex PTSD is I have nightmares and dissociative realities. I don't necessarily understand where my space of being is and existence is. I tend to think that I am in a place and space where I know what I'm doing, I know where I'm going. I tend to think that I am capable of so much and of everything and I'm not right, and so that's been a huge shift and change. So, yeah, I'm sorry, I just lost my train of thought because I was thinking about the day and the moment and it just it hit me in a way that I didn't expect to to just shut it down. But that's part of the association, right?

Speaker 1: 8:57

So I struggled with this association a lot. I struggled with it for so long, and the thing that I have I wanted to share with you guys today is something I wrote a little while ago. I wrote it when I was it's not that one. Here we go. I wrote it in 2023. I was somewhere like March of 2023. And it was about the time that I was getting my diagnosis, because I think in April of 2023, I was like, hey, I am, I'm finally figuring out what's going on.

Speaker 1: 9:36

The doctors are coming back with all the information saying, hey, there's nothing long-term wrong with you, in a sense of like we can find in your brain, in your nerves, even though we went through years, um, and then specifically, like a good year of down the rabbit hole of everything, um, that was a huge relief for me because at that moment I also was undiagnosed with fibromyalgia, undiagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I mean reversed things in my body and things in my that, I was told, would prevent me from doing so many things and that helped me back in so many ways. Because I was afraid. I was so afraid of breaking a bone. I was so afraid of jumping a trampoline or doing a handstand or anything that would put my body in a stress or in a place that would debilitate me for the rest of my life.

Speaker 1: 10:29

Like, I was so afraid of that and it limited myself in so many ways, until my 30th birthday, where I decided to start the nonprofit and decided to risk it all and say, hey, you know what? What do I want to do? Well, I want to have peace, stability, structure and I want to be a servant. I want to serve myself, serve God, serve humanity. I want to be here in a way that I am present and conscious and understanding of myself today, not of the past or the future, but today.

Speaker 1: 11:03

And in order to do that, I had to really do a lot of soul searching and a lot of facing myself. And one of the ways that I do that is through writing. I write a lot, but I also don't share a lot of the writing that I write, because I don't know if I'm ready to even face my own writing, because it can become quite painful at times, even when I look at it, and to be there is very uncomfortable still for me, and that's something I really want to work through. Right, I'm somebody who faces. I got to face it, I got to fix it, I got to solve the problem, and my problem is uncomfortableness and fear. Okay, well, that's a big problem. Let me solve it.

Speaker 1: 11:46

So, uh, on our website, at project human um, at thinkingorg p-h-i-n-c-i-n-gorg for those of you who are watching, I have it on my screen I have our freeform writing blog up right now and I am one of the freeform writers. We've had a few in the past. Share their story and, if you're interested in writing and sharing your story. You can go onto our website and you can send us an email and send me a message about why you want to share your story, who you are and how you think that your story can impact someone. Because one of the things we don't do is we don't go through and edit your story or your words unless you want us to make it sound better or you know proper, proper grammar, punctuation. You know we'll fix a few of those things, but at the end of the day, part of free-form writing is expressing yourself and expressing who you are in, without judgment, without structure, without a thought on the result of it, but expressing what is and just is in this moment.

Speaker 1: 12:54

And I've learned to use that exercise as a way to truly be able to identify and process a lot of my words that I don't understand, or a lot of the confusion that happens between my realities, because for lot of my words that I don't understand, or a lot of the confusion that happens between my realities because for most of my life I have lived two realities one that I created myself as a child and then one that actually exists and is happening today, and those two things are really different a lot of times, and the way they feel are different too, and so I've had to really learn how to be here and again, like I said, one of those ways is to write. So I wanted to take a minute and read this to you, because one I think that it is. I didn't understand how how wrote it, but I think I wrote it pretty beautifully, if I do say so myself. But it is a moment and a snapshot of my life in where my reality and my nightmares come together and I can't differentiate them and I can't process them. And so over these last couple of months and my dreams have been coming, becoming more and more real about everything in my life or my past, and it has been a little bit harder to dissociate or differentiate or to even disconnect from what the dream has made me feel and put into or triggered and what's happening in today. So I kind of wanted to share that with you.

Speaker 1: 14:38

So this is my little essay called Nowhere is Safe a personal perspective of living with complex PTSD. This was triggered for me by the situations happening in the world today and the amount of carnage that is being produced by humanity in every aspect, in all shapes and forms and in all sizes, in it, everywhere, and I have no power, no control to change it. I wish I could be almost, you know, in a sense Thanos, to just stop that, um, but I can't and I'm not, and who am I to even say to that I should be judge your executioner of anything? And so I have to trust and give. Give to God. That it is, it is what God has willed where we are right now. But we are better than that and I want it to be better than that. So I hope for better than that, I pray for better than that, and I ask for better than that, than what we are right now, because I don't again. I don't know where to move or what to do with situations or what to say, because I'm still processing my own, my own carnage, right. So let me read this to you and you can kind of see where my perspective is when it comes to trauma.

Speaker 1: 16:01

In that way, it has become harder and harder to focus on my daily task. My wants have been re-evaluated and I am at a space where it doesn't matter. Yet it matters more than ever. The load of emotion engulfing me is forcing me to retreat, not in fear, but at this, at this seesaw point, teetering between living the horrors and marveling at the actual truth of human capabilities, heavy is my heart with so much sadness and hopelessness for what is happening in the world. I know firsthand what the humans of war are experiencing. Since the actions of the world, my PTSD has been triggered and I have spoken to a few humans who say the same thing. Having experienced this level of atrocity and made it out, it feels hopeless and that the world sucks.

Speaker 1: 16:49

It is too late for so many humans. It was too late for so many of us. The memories do not seem real and I cannot connect all the dots. The images I see on the news from across the world bring up moments in my dreams that are unclear, but the smells, noises force me to understand where I am. Confusion and the need to clear a path out become the utmost priority.

Speaker 1: 17:16

Then I wake up, look out the window to see and hear nothing, walk into my son's room, see him sleeping peacefully, walk downstairs, check all the windows and locks. I sit on the floor, let the rush of possibility of war, my true understanding of reality, happen again. Nowhere is safe. I think of all the places that might be the safest to hide from a blast. The Harry Potter closet seems to be the best bet. But then getting trapped in the rubble, crushed under no way out? No, that isn't the best option. I repeat the mantra or no, that is the best option. I repeat the mantra. Then I remember that it uses the storage space and I begin to panic that I won't have enough time to clear it out for all of us.

Speaker 1: 18:00

I hear a loud noise again. I hear noise again, loud like a whistle and a boom. Then I run upstairs, I grab my son, yell at my husband, try to run downstairs. Panic builds as blackness comes and I shake and sob on the floor. I can't save them. I whisper, I let the panic attack and sobs run through, finally catching air.

Speaker 1: 18:22

As my dog nuzzles me, licking the tears, wetting my face with a different kind of wet, bringing me to reality. I sit up catching my breath, wiping my tears. He curls up, feeling proud to have done his part, and I begin to breathe. I recognize that I am as safe as I can be, no matter where I am, because in truth I am not safe anywhere. I cannot begin to trust anything or anyone. Attacks and fear are being created in humans who have nothing to do with the actual war. So who is the bad guy here then? The human attacking is the bad guy here, then? The human attacking is the bad guy.

Speaker 1: 19:01

Sharing this is hard because I have been told over, over, over and over it's not happening to you now or you are safe. Move on with your life well. I have moved on very well and live it very well. I am now a child again, live in a woman's body whose, whose mother had to save her as a child in a war. That is exactly as it's happening all over the world. The shelling, the bass occurs for 10 months of my life. That is the reality that has stayed and never will leave. It cannot leave nor be erased. The evidence is in the scars of the heart and soul and the earth that receive the dead. It is also hard to be outside of the bleakness that resides inside my mind. At the moment, nothing matters but the truth.

Speaker 1: 19:45

I move off the floor, grab my pen. I inhale, I exhale. I drink a cup of water. I wash my face at the kitchen sink with cold water. I grab a piece of candy. My sugar level is low. Dizziness sets in and I get slightly upset. I didn't pick up those boiled peanuts earlier, for this moment I knew I would need them later. I knew it Shaking my head. I grab some more water. I treat Archie for his awesomeness. I walk outside and take a deep breath, accepting my reality at this moment, taking the silence, peace, fresh, cold air in with me as Archie moves past and sits by the stairs ready to return to bed, and I smile and I say a prayer of thank you, accept the blessings inside to do better tomorrow, regroup and refocus on this reality, because I'm living it now.

Speaker 1: 20:31

Currently, this reality is making me feel indifferent, as it seems mundane, when in reality it is the greatest action I can take. I walk upstairs, I hug my son and feel him with all my greatest action I can take. I walk upstairs, I hug my son and feel him with all my existence, so I can remember every imprint of him. I check the time it says 3.08 am. I decide the next two hours will be all the great sleep I need to win tomorrow. Finally, I make it to bed, hug my husband, because the nightmares of losing him still linger too, and I stop that thought as I feel his warmth in our dog, curl up to the rest. I take a deep breath in, I exhale it shakily, with acceptance of my blessed reality, while closing my eyes and hoping for a dreamless night. This is my safety, this is my personal health, my mind Whew, I didn't realize that would be harder to read than I thought.

Speaker 1: 21:29

Yeah, so bear with me for a second as I gather my bearings. Yeah, I didn't realize that would be as hard to be as it was, but that is. That is my reality. Um, it's hard because, again, the blessings I know of where I am and what's happening in my world now and what I'm capable of and what we're capable of and how we move towards that, what we can do to get past that right, I did not realize the amount of trauma that was held in a body of mine and in that space and in that mind, because I was so dissociated from it.

Speaker 1: 22:28

Me reading that is still a way of me trying to connect the reality that it happened to me, because this mind today that I have, that I built it, doesn't recognize that I lived through that. It doesn't recognize that me, as a child, has lived through that it has. It doesn't. It can't comprehend what I feel it can't comprehend what I understand. To be true, it can't process the level of deprivation that a human has to be able to cause carnage to another human being, right? And so I don't understand, and the brain here today doesn't understand it.

Speaker 1: 23:33

Because I can't understand it, um, but the healing process requires you to accept it, and I had a good friend tell me that, and, and you know she said, requires you to accept it. And I had a good friend tell me that, and, and you know she said you have to accept what happened. You have to accept that it was you, you were there, you lived it. You accept it. You may not want to deal with it, you may not want to process it, you may not even want to recognize it at the moment, but you have to accept it. And recognition and exception is two different things too.

Speaker 1: 24:01

I am now in my recognition stage. I am recognizing the level of healing I really really need through this, versus what I thought, versus what I. Again, what I even, what I knew, um, and part of what I didn't know is how much control I didn't have over myself right Over my life, over everything that's happened to me, and the other part is that I also believed that I could control everything in my life, right, that I could be the savior of all of my my past and my future, not understanding that I didn't have any control of either one of those. All I had was control over the present, and so my next thing that I want to share with you now is this presentation I didn't put together because it's my way of being able to process my life and how I'm coping with with my life. I kind of started talking a little bit about it when I first started talking, started doing the episodes and talked about the types of well, I keep banging on things now. Um, I talked about the types of coping are, and there is the physical, the emotional, and then the cognitive the physical part.

Speaker 1: 25:27

A lot of times, what I've had to recognize is that I don't have any physical scars in my. You know, physically I am perfectly perfect. I survived a war without a scar Like I cannot. My mind and my brain cannot, like it cannot process that. It really can't. But I did, I really did. And then, emotionally though, and mentally, the damage that was done was so intense that I'm still picking up pieces and figuring out what all goes together and how it flows and where it's supposed to be, what's still left, like what's even mine, what's what's not, and there's just so much to process, to understand.

Speaker 1: 26:08

And I didn't understand any of this because I thought in my life that I, I was in such control over everything, right, but what I didn't understand is that and I'm pulling up this little tree that I did for those of you who are watching right now and for those of you who are listening imagine yourself as a tree, imagine the tree. Or go outside and look at a tree and look at its roots right, they're in the ground. You didn't plant them. You know, you had no control over that tree's growth or what has happened to it. And I think of that too, that I had no control over that. Like my, my roots, there was no control over that. When you flip the hourglass or when you plant the seed, uh, that was my parents, that was they're doing, that was all of that, um.

Speaker 1: 26:54

And then, of course, the growth of that, the, the trunk, and then, of course, the growth of that the trunk right, the way the tree is going to grow up, that part is influenced by the environment, by your family structure, by, you know, your parents, your grandparents, your brothers, sisters, your, whether it's windy, whether you have a good, whether you have a roof on your head, whether you have good food, whether, like, all of that is influenced. Same for the tree, the outside, if it's a good environment, if it's good soil, if it's good nutrients, like everything is influenced one way and there's a correlation one way or another. And I started really thinking about that. I was like, well, if that's, if I'm like the tree, if everything's, if everything's God's creation we're all created in, in God's image then we're all connected in one way or another, right, and we're all a living part of something, an extension of something, an extension of a root, a nerve of something.

Speaker 1: 27:48

And when I started thinking like that, I started realizing that again, I didn't have control over my roots. I had no control over that and I had no control over how I learned to walk, where I was walking, what path I was going to take at that time at all. I had no control over that. That was all guided and provided with rail, you know, railroads, training wheels and then of course, the war. And so having no control over that and having my own mental and emotional growth being stunted so traumatically and drastically as a child, with the war, with the change of the environment and the implications of that, and having to process something at a much higher level and range in which my body, mind and just my whole existence couldn't Like. I was not capable of that, and so I took that in from the age of five until 28 into this, almost like once I was 18, I was like I can win my life, I'm in control of whatever, but I didn't have any control of that. That's the subconscious control. This is that center part right here, the subconscious control of your life, like where you think that you are in control of what you're doing but you're not. That was where I was at.

Speaker 1: 29:06

I was thinking I was in control of everything, but I wasn't. I was getting great grades, I was going to college, I was going to succeed, I was in the books and in the stats, you know, in social construct. I was doing everything I was supposed to be, I was in control of my life and I was succeeding. I was kicking ass, but in reality I was absolutely falling apart. I was drinking, I was tearing myself apart, I was taking actions and talking in ways that were absolutely unhealthy, unnecessary, just evil and mean and cruel and vile. And maybe I'm exaggerating for those of you who knew me back then, but I probably am not. I was just not a good human because I didn't have the control of understanding what a good human was, even though I had times and shapes and moments to be given to me, because I dissociated from that life when I came to America and said, no, you know what, that didn't happen to me. I live here, I'm going to live this life, I am whatever, I'm in control, I'm a powerhouse, I'm this, I'm that, again, not understanding, I was not in any control.

Speaker 1: 30:19

And then what happens at some point in your life? I think the greatest thing that can happen to a human being is for you to have a child, and this is something that, as a woman, I think that it pushes you to really reflect upon yourself and who you are, and it pushes you to become consciously aware of your existence, where your self-awareness is so paramount in order for you to aware of your existence, where your self-awareness is so paramount in order for you to be a good mother, be a good parent, be a good role model, be a good supporter, nurturer, be all the things that you were never, you never had or never experienced. But you don't know how, you have no idea how. And one of the things I heard a while ago was that you know having children and children pull out the worst of you, your triggers, you know whatever your inner child? And it's so true.

Speaker 1: 31:01

I was in my subconscious terrain, I was under the tantrum stage, and so all I was doing is thinking that I was in control and that I was doing all these things and winning. But it wasn't. I was having a tantrum and creating things for myself just to get what I want, just like a child would. And having a child forces you and I'm putting another slide onto the screen now forces you to look at your human existence right, forces you to recognize and I'm going back into the roots that in your human existence, in your no-control stage of life, your roots, that's your birth, that's your family environment, your social construct, your belief, your faith. All of those are given to you and defined by somebody else's narrative, not your own.

Speaker 1: 31:47

And as you grow up and you think you're learning to be an adult, really, um, you know, you get a job, you go to college, you get an apartment, you get a house, you get into your relationship, you have a child, whatever. You start a family, you do all these great things and then you recognize that you are not equipped to handle so because, like you, as your being are falling apart in your daily functioning, you can't manage your daily, like daily, activities. You're starting to panic, you're starting to have anxiety attacks, you're starting to lose your consciousness, lose at least. This is the process that was happening for me. You guys, this is my personal experience, and I keep using the word you because I speak in third person. It just makes it easier for me like I'm talking to myself, and a lot of times I am talking to myself like you need to do better, adela. So it really is that, and you become aware of what you're not doing.

Speaker 1: 32:40

And for me, I was not capable of being a good mother. And I remember a conscious moment of awareness where I was sitting in my old house. This is how much of depressive state I was in and how much I allowed my creative control to take over my life, thinking I was in control. But it wasn't. It was my subconscious, my literal, like terror ridden subconscious that I was gonna die every single day that I needed to live in darkness, that hiding away was the best thing, that if, if, just just that.

Speaker 1: 33:10

Um, it painted my walls, my house walls, with my little child, with my husband, with my family. I painted him a black and orange, like such dark, intense colors in these rooms that sucked the life out of it. And I remember saying to myself it's for I'm artsy and it's for Halloween, and yada, yada, yada. And it was none of that. It was an absolute depressive state and I was I didn't know how to say it, I had no words, but my, my 40 inches, as you'll see here, your whole being was screaming at me to take ownership of what was happening.

Speaker 1: 33:54

Because I was subconsciously not, I was literally doing things painting walls, manic episodes, staying up for days and thinking it was excitement and and, and I was just. Oh, I got energy and what I was doing is depleting my cortisol levels to a point like, or pushing them in my adrenaline, to a point where I was literally blowing my own you know cap and my limit of it. And so to live on an everyday, functional basis of just simpler and more consistent and calmer space was just impossible I need, I was so anxious, written and so erratic because my cortisol levels were in, adrenaline were so spiked. My body was in such a fight mode that I didn't understand anything. So until I could recognize that and become conscious of that, I couldn't do anything right. And so that's when my body started to give out, completely, completely give out. I gave out my I couldn't walk, I couldn't. And this is 2021, 2022. You guys, this isn't, oh, like this is then. And it gave out.

Speaker 1: 35:01

It was absolutely not because it wasn't taking full ownership of my body. I was focused on the mind so much that the mind needed healing in so many ways I'm going to do for the mind that I didn't realize that it all started with the body, the temple, this temple that was created and given to you here, and so once I started looking at my body as a temple, you know they say I've heard and again, I'm not preaching to anyone or anything, I'm just speaking on what is and where it's at you know they say they say God doesn't sin and that he can't sin. He's clean of everything, and you know his children should, we're, we're born sinners, whatever, and but we were and we can enter him when we're clean, when we repent when we whatever, you know all those things that you guys say my thing, I look at that and the way I interpreted that and read that was that, well, my body is part of that. If it houses the holy spirit and the soul, and my soul is the holy spirit of that, then it needs to be cleansed. It needs to be washed, needs to be prepared for, it needs to be taken care of and it needs to be cleansed. It needs to be washed, it needs to be prepared for, it needs to be taken care of and it needs to be stretched. It needs to be moved, it needs to be loved, it needs, just like a home with me and I remember my tree, my relation to the home. It's the same thing.

Speaker 1: 36:07

I started looking at my home that way and my home from the inside. I started cleaning up, I started taking ownership of that and I become, I became accountable for my decisions, I became responsible for my stuff and I became accountable for my decisions. I became responsible for my stuff and I started really taking control of my own being. Now, how did I do that too? When I talk about free-form writing and writing, I'm talking about writing. I have lists upon lists upon lists upon lists. I track myself. No one needs to track me. I don't need to go to the doctor and tell them this, or I don't need anybody to evaluate me and tell me. I know myself because I can look back on my notes. I can look back at my moments and say this is what's happening.

Speaker 1: 36:45

This is what happened because I tracked myself, because I did the things they needed to do, and one of the ways that I did that, and the ways that we get to do that, is by asking ourselves a question Where's your focus? That I directed at, like, where are you at right now? And my focus was when I started with Project Human. My focus was directed on the world, and I have another slide I pulled up here. You guys, for those of you who are again watching on our channel, thank you and for those of you who are listening, I will be sharing this with you guys shortly and sending you guys through this in our email. So if you're not signed up on our email list, but part of this is asking yourself and examining where your focus is at and direct it. Mine was directed at the world.

Speaker 1: 37:31

I wanted to be accepted by the world and validated by the world, while I was battling my inner faith and where I was at at the same time, I was searching for a home and trying to find information and navigate where everything was going on and when I, by my focus on the world, I I went in and deep dived and dug into my history, of course as much as I could, because I got to learn about this human. I got to learn about what happened to her and what what her story is. Again, it didn't happen to me, it happened to her, even though the her is me and I am her and it's all a thing. This is why they say they would commit me, um, but I can't. I can't live my life if I don't associate from that past and understand that I, that reality is a reality. That did happen, but it did not happen to me and I want to understand it. I want to share her story, I want to be a part of it through the journey of observing it. But I don't think I will ever understand it as as I should understand it, right, or as a man, or as I would, as most people understand it, who suffered through that um.

Speaker 1: 38:37

So, again, I was in my world and one of my world and one of my world travels or one of my world journeys, of focusing on pleasing everyone pleasing you guys, pleasing the listeners, pleasing my followers, pleasing everybody. I was like, well, I need to find out my story ASAP, I need to go down this path and do it. And so I went outside in the world and I found my captors, and one of the things that hit me when I found my captors, and one of the things that it hit me when I found them, was that I should have been angry, I should have been so many feelings like I really should have been. And I tried. I tried so hard, you guys, I really believe me. I tried so hard because it is well deserved to be angry.

Speaker 1: 39:19

However, the only thing that kept coming to me was redemption, redemption, redemption. What I was searching for my whole life from everyone was redemption redemption of my soul, redemption of a story that's attached to me, or redemption of my tragedy, redemption of a history that I don't know me, or redemption of my tragedy, redemption of a history that I don't know. To redeem a child that was part of some, something so terrible that didn't understand it. To redeem a human who was growing through and understanding and processing and experiencing this life, that she had no idea what she was doing and defined her soul and her humanity. And I remember sitting there, looking at these humans and going. They experience the same thing. They, you know, and and there's no one that can validate my story or or I can validate their experience there's no one that can, there's. There's nothing that can be done about what has happened. We can always change the future, which is what I hope to, which is what we all hope to do, right, but we can't change the future until we stop focusing on the outside world and taking over the outside and going back into our 40 inches, right? Our yourself, your immediate family, your house. What can you touch and taste?

Speaker 1: 40:35

And that moment, I realized that I have been focusing again on that validation instead of redemption, and that's why my whole perspective changed in 2022 on my journey through this life and redefining my narrative is that I shifted inward. So I started in my 40 inches, so I started right here, on myself. I started accounting for myself, writing down what I was doing, what I was feeling, what I was thinking, telling myself. These are not the good thoughts. These are not who I am. This is not what I am.

Speaker 1: 41:02

I know God's clear voice, like I know it, and, if you know, he told me I'm sitting here, I'm supposed to feel these words. And he's like I know it and, if you know, he told me I'm sitting here, I'm supposed to feel these words, and he's like redeem, redemption, adele, this is your moment of redemption. And it's like, okay, you're right, this is my decision, my crossing, my path of if I'm going to be going down this path in such an angry and shameful way and guilt-ridden way of all of it, or if I'm gonna go ahead and take a moment of the higher road and it was again that no one can redeem my soul but him, no one can do anything to put any of that but him. And so, again, that inner focus of myself, god and you know, father, holy Spirit and just having that moment and then taking the time to focus on my house, not only cleansing this temple of his right. So when I take a shower every day, I sit in or I talk in the shower as I'm washing my hands and I say, hey, god, thank you so much for these hands today, thank you for what they were done, thank you for the work that they created. Thank you for these, you know, for these feet that carried me for the day and carried the weight, because the feet carry the weight of everything, every decision you make, you know, and and the reaction you take, and the soul carries the decisions you make right.

Speaker 1: 42:08

And so, for me, I cleanse the body, cleanse the temple from from head to toe, from within, and I say my prayer and I ask for my forgiveness and I ask for for guidance and grace, and then I come out and then I do the same thing to my physical home. I cleanse it. I thank him for it. I thank for providing me the roof over my head, for the ability to provide a meal for my family, for the ability to tuck my son in, to take my dogs on the walk, for the ability to see here and create this podcast, because I have the ability to do that. And with that I know what full control of my life means. And that's that 40 inches, that is what I can touch and taste and smell and be in and what I can be present in. That's it. Everything else outside of that I cannot control. And that is my six feet, my the world.

Speaker 1: 42:59

If COVID taught me anything, anything it's, it's that. It's that I have to create that space and that boundary of my existence between my 40 inches and the six feet. And those six feet have to add so much value to my life because if they don't, and they are a negative force. And that six feet includes this podcast, includes my non-profit work, includes creative work, includes anything outside of my door that I have to walk, drive to be a part of any other human, my extended family. All of that is my six feet.

Speaker 1: 43:32

And if that six feet is completely draining me constantly, and if that six feet is not providing me also value and fuel to my soul and happiness and joy, then I get to reevaluate it and say I don't need it anymore and then the world is just the world, the world I don't even have to worry about because it's so far out of my reach, so far out of my scale, so far out of my scope of being able to have any kind of impact on it, any kind of say on it, that I'm like you know what I'm done with that and when I tell you, and again, this diagram that I have on here, this little thing, take a snapshot of it yourself. You can. You know it's in there. This green part here is where we're all living right now. This orange part is where we need to be. We need to be focused on that.

Speaker 1: 44:21

We need to be coming back into connecting ourselves and again, if we don't, we're looking at the world and we're going oh my god, um, the world is supposed to answer for all of my actions. The world is supposed to do everything for me and the world is not supposed to do anything for you, because the world is not your mother or your father. It's not anything for you, but yourself. You are required to take care of yourself. You are required to take care of yourself. You are required to be in control of who you are. You are required to be there, and part of understanding how to do that is actually facing yourself right, recognizing that you're not doing a good job to be accountable for your sleep, for your nutrition, for your actions, your activity or your home or your family or the things that bring you joy and fuel you, or take account and write your accomplishments down that you are doing those things and then give yourself grace that, like holy crap, I deserve a day off, because it goes both ways.

Speaker 1: 45:22

I spend so much time being so hard on myself that I can't be a good anything, I can't reach the world, I can't do anything right. And still, to this day I do. But every day I get better. I look in and when I write down my tasks and things that I did accomplish, you know, yesterday did not feel good at all. Yesterday was a day that I could not consciously like, understand reality and I was so confused, dazed, I was in pain, I was in, not in a good day, not a good day at all, and when I realized why and what happened, I was like oh, I'll prepare better next time. Today I woke up just fine, but through that time yesterday I was still able to accomplish go getting my family food, was able to prepare laundry for them for the week, to do what they need to do to be ready for school. I was able to take care of a few things and rest right, rest because it was needed. And those are the things that we don't value. And if, when we recognize that we're not being good at that, we're not being accountable for that, we get to control. You have control over that. You get to change that and then you get to change the reality of your life, I promise you. The outcome starts with within you. It starts with how you work your way.

Speaker 1: 46:34

And again, for me, this has been a process of really learning. I have never been a finisher. I've never finished anything in my life. Like when I tell you I have run away from everything in my life, no matter how much everybody else will look at me and say, adela, you're so great, you're doing all these things, you're up there. I've never finished anything in my life, um, until I started project human, until I started working on myself. And I'll never finish working on myself because I have become obsessed with learning about how to navigate my thinking and how my process works, because I think it's so fun and it's so unique, and because I I have a different perspective on the world because of my, my background. But at the same time, because of my background and because of the way I am in the dissociation and because I can live in two worlds almost at the same time, I'm really learning how to function in reality. And that's hard because my reality was just completely ooh, la la, rainbows and butterflies, not in logic. And the more I learn about myself, the more I learn about how much logical I am.

Speaker 1: 47:42

I love my creative world. I am so creative. I love creating like. But through logic do I love creating through efficiency and through pro like proper structure, right rules and laws and order and hierarchies and these levels of certain layers that go into this thinking process. I love that. I just think it's absolutely fascinating and how we as humans can do that and how we as humans can write it and then from writing, put it into a concept and then from a concept put it into reality and from reality put it into like. It's just. It's so fascinating to me and to know that I think that way, but I think that way, but I think that way in different ways and, again, I believe we all do think that way. We just don't know how to process it. So I would not have learned any of this, my point being if I had not gone to focus back on my 40 inches, if I did not decide that I was going to be consciously aware of every decision and in control of every action.

Speaker 1: 48:49

And as that, that tree, in the beginning I showed you your roots right, they grow up, your trees growing up and there's leaves and they change and your feelings change with you know, with seasons and with where you are. So a lot of things up here are changing constantly, but with that change there's just so much beauty and so much you can control. Maybe you don't need to lose as many leaves in the process of your change, maybe you don't have to. You know and I would associate that with my anxiety, and when you know change happens that I will lose a lot of hair and my, my hair is my leaves, and so maybe I don't have to be so anxious and so stressed in the midst of change so that I don't shed so much hair and I don't, you know, or or whatever, whatever your thing is. But I love that.

Speaker 1: 49:39

I think that way and I think in in in such a metaphorical way constantly and that's the reality, like to me, that's, that's the bridge between reality and creation and the impossible and imagination and feeling and connection and energy, and how we can really again look at a tree and feel so connected to it and understand from roots that the where they could have come from and what that tree could have gone into, and to see its fruit and or see the trunk, and maybe the trunk is really thick and really strong and resilient, or it's really thin but it's grown so strong and it's like so. You have so many wonders, and I think humans are shaped that way too, and the way we grow. So, anyway, that is the way I look at life now, my perspective in the way I change it, because I've decided right that I'm worth the time and the effort to create and to acknowledge that my focus needs to be directed at me, to God, and be thanked to God every single day. But it needs to be directed at me because in this reality and the one I can control, it is I. It is I, who I have, who have the power to control that by given to me by God to be able to control my actions, my thoughts, my emotions to a certain extent and level, and when I cannot, and when I need to process, need to be taught a lesson, I get the, I get to take a moment to really have a conversation and process it so that I can try better again.

Speaker 1: 51:14

And I think for me, redeeming yourself every single day is just doing better every single day and working really hard to be a better human being, educating yourself, educating others on again what it means to be compassionate, what it means to be understanding, but also understanding that you are no judge, jury, executioner, you have no control over anything in this world other than your 40 inches. And your 40 inches also, when you look at a bigger scale of things, for me also includes my community. Right, my 40 inches has to be a community. You guys are community now. Now I'm extending that a little bit, so I have to be conscious of impacting you on what I'm going to do, because I'm letting you in into my 40 inches a little bit. And so the six feet is now bridged, with a small little bridge of us being able to have a conversation, of opening the door and the window and going hey guys, how's it going? And you're, hey, doing good, doing good.

Speaker 1: 52:07

So the idea that our minds have this way of formulating and connecting things and simulating realities and and feelings is so amazing. That can again transmit into reality by your own hand, by your own feet, by your own action, is so powerful and it's overwhelming and it's scary and it can really take a toll on a being, as I know. But at the same time, what you want you have to work for, and I actually, yesterday in my tea little tea leaf thing said nature takes its time, yet everything is accomplished, and it was loud. So that's the that it was from. And it just nature takes its time, yet everything is accomplished. And yesterday, when I wasn't feeling good, I took that as a sign that it is a thunderstorm outside and nature will have to pause in what it's doing for a minute because there's an environment, there's things that are making it feel a certain way that's not going to be optimal for the growth and it may need to rest and it may need to take a time, some time, but it will get accomplished. It will still grow, it will still thrive, it will still do what nature is meant to do. And you, as a human, you are still going to thrive, you are still going to to grow, you are still going to do what a human does. But you have to be cognizant and conscious of your action towards that growth, so that your inaction or your actions don't become a blame of someone else because you're subconsciously not aware of what you're actually doing. Encourage yourself to be consciously aware of your again, your feet, your hands, your mind, your control, your body, first and physically foremost here, so that you are able to then control the rest of it.

Speaker 1: 54:04

Anywho, that's for this episode. That's what I wanted to talk to you guys about today, and I wanted to really share that a little bit more in depth on how I think and how I'm processing and how I'm dealing with my anxiety and my PTSD and my depression or anything else that's going on with me at the moment. And again, one of the other ways is that I'm realizing that today, in the present moment, in this existence, none of that exists. None of that is real. It was created by the environment, by all this, by everything else. And when I can remember that for a second and live here, it becomes so much easier to recognize that again I'm in that point of my peace, of my structure, of my solitude, in which I can only control this moment, this year, this, this process. The rest of it is, is as is, as is done, and and it's in God's hands.

Speaker 1: 54:59

And so I hope that you learned something. I hope that you are thinking and processing the way you evaluate your life a little bit, and if one thing doesn't work for you, keep trying again. Like, seriously, don't be like, oh adela, sticky notes didn't work for me, I'm not gonna. That's not gonna work. Okay, sticky notes don't work for you. Try another way. Try 800 different billion ways if you have to, until you figure out how you work, how you function, how you are designed to be in this world. No one can figure that out but you. No one is inside your mind, inside your soul, but you and God Literally no one.

Speaker 1: 55:42

And when you are in there and having that conversation with yourself, be honest and recognize where you can be better. And it's not about self-hate, it's absolutely not. If anything, you learn to give yourself more grace. If anything, you learn to be so much more compassionate to yourself. And if anything, you learn that you are, you are, excuse me, you are everything in this moment of existence and nothing at all. And the nothing is so freeing because you know that it's so.

Speaker 1: 56:13

Again, as I mentioned in my essay, everything, nothing, nothing matters. Nothing matters but the exchange of energy and but the but this, this flow of, of human connection, and how we, as a social conscious unit, right and being, connect to this higher being. And again, whatever you believe not preaching you to this year, but that's what I think but in order for that to happen and transpire, in order for that to come to fruition in a higher scape of conscious connection and transparency, if you will, we must first recognize this physical being, that it is here, that it exists here and that it is responsible, because it houses the intention, it houses the decisions, it houses the emotion, it houses the creation, it houses everything that comes to fruition. So be very, very careful with this temple, be very careful with the doors and how wide you open them. Be very careful with the windows in whom you allow everybody to see in and out. And, you know, be careful of how soundproof you are to the world, because if you're solid, if your structure is not solid and you're mentally, mentally not sound, you're going to hear everything and it's going to just penetrate constantly at you. But if you can soundproof yourself, then you can become stronger. So be all of those things, be in that connection. Um. So yeah, if you resonate with that, let me know, and if you again have a story or something you want to share, let me know. And if you again have a story or something you want to share, please let me know and we'll share it. So I hope you enjoyed that.

Speaker 1: 57:52

The next thing I want to share with you really quick before we are out, is that you guys have been so amazing in bringing us attention and awareness to the podcast, and the last couple of weeks in launching this podcast has been fantastic in the growth that we've had and the amount of humans who have supported us and following us on our social medias as well as on our podcast platforms, like thank you guys so much, also on our YouTube page. You guys are fantastic. It's, it's, it's been, it's been an honor to be again working towards this and just gives me more hope and confidence to continue what we're doing. Um, so I wanted to share with you guys something because I think it's so exciting and so important. This is, um, our, uh, or our stats. I wanted to share our stats with you. So here we go. Our stats have been we are for the podcast itself since our launch uh, just now, about two months ago, it is 197 downloads and for little old me okay, you guys, for someone that is so just absolutely inconsequential in any shape or form for you to listen, for you to hear me, for you to download, for you to be here, for you to support 197 times, 197 ways, and you know humans, or, however, everything is tracked on these. You know they change every day. But 197 of you, that is insane, that is absolutely insane. I always say if I can impact one human being, I've. You know we all say that too. If we can impact one human being, we're done. We're changing the world. But to know that I am continuing to share with you at 197 of you and that's just on on on these stats, that's not on the rest of the stats that you guys are on the other platforms following and sharing and supporting, for example, our YouTube page.

Speaker 1: 59:39

So go like our YouTube page, because on our YouTube page you can find videos of the podcasts. You can also listen to the podcast as well too. For those of you who don't, who use YouTube as your platform streaming platform, you can listen to us there too. But you can see our episodes. Our latest episodes are up there right now. Uh, for example, chandel freeman we were talking about breaking disability barriers, and we've talked um to trey ford about his artistry and agriculture, which is really cool. How, again, how our art is impacted and ingrained in everything we do, and I just talked about a tree in the nature in this whole episode. So you know, take a moment to listen to that and take a moment to listen to humans in in there, and then you can go and see my uh, my other episode, uh, from trauma to triumph. Uh story of resilience and cities. Again, since it is suicide awareness and prevention month, I talk about my own From Trauma to Triumph A Story of Resilience and Cities Against and Cities Suicide Awareness. In Prevention Month. I talk about my own story of processing and walking through my suicide attempt and how I am.

Speaker 1: 1:00:40

I'm not saying that I don't have thoughts in ways that I don't like anymore. I don't like anymore but I do understand when they come through now that I get to stop them for a second and say what's really going on here, versus making them become a priority and having them take over the world and run with everything, and so I think that's a great way, after even listening to my own podcast back again, understanding how far I've come in being able to process those situations in those moments, because it's it's a never-ending story. It's never going to go away that way. Those moments, those thoughts are forever going to be there. But how can I control them and how can I do that? So take a listen, follow and again you can listen to so many more humans that I've done interviews with, and I love talking to humans and sharing conversations, sharing stories with them.

Speaker 1: 1:01:24

So follow us, subscribe to our YouTube channel, please. We would love to get more subscribers. That would be great, um, because it helps us grow and helps us share our message and share stories of other humans, and we're so close to 200. Okay, three more, let's get them. Let's get them. Let's get them. Um, I think we will with this episode, so yay.

Speaker 1: 1:01:44

So, thank you guys for reaching that. I appreciate it, and and and. Yeah, there's that. Um. So here's where you guys can reaching that. I appreciate it, and and and. Yeah, there's that. Um. So here's where you guys can follow us.

Speaker 1: 1:01:55

Uh, for those of you who are watching on YouTube, again, you can follow us on Apple podcasts, spotify, amazon pod podcast index, overcast, youtube, I heart radio Castro cast box. Uh, good pods, pod friends, true friends. Oh, my goodness, all the ways you can find us on all of those platforms, streaming platforms. The easiest way to get to us, though, is to go to our website at thinkingorg, thinking um p-h-i-n-c-i-n-gorg, slash t-a-w, and it is right here on the page. So go check us out, and you can also just go to our link and click and follow that, and all the links will lead you to our website underneath any of the episodes, any of that, and follow and share again and subscribe and like and do all the good things.

Speaker 1: 1:02:35

And if you're enjoying this podcast and you're enjoying what I'm doing so far this season and you also want to give me feedback, please do so. I'm all for that and down. Every day I'm working to get better. Every day I'm learning how to do all of the process of producing a podcast and staying true to who I am and what we're doing. And again, I have to thank Project Human, as a nonprofit organization, for its mission to advocate, educate and inform humans on their own individual rights and their own existence and their own self-worth, and to bridge gaps where they need to be bridged, just within the community and within ourselves, primarily because once we do that, we can make a domino effect on impacting the world.

Speaker 1: 1:03:13

But it starts with us. It starts with you, in the home, right where you are, with yourself, with your family, and that's our whole mission, same as this podcast that you are the artist within of your reality. So thank you again for following, liking, supporting and all the good things. Share this and reach out to us. And until next time, my friends, thank you.