Adela: 0:12

hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello my friends, hello world, hello everyone who's listening. Thank you so much for listening, thank you for being, thank you for being part of the Artist Within Podcast. Welcome to the Artist Within Podcast. I am your host, adela Hittel, for Season 1, the Road to Resilience, and I would just like to start off by saying that I am so grateful and so thankful for your support and your downloads that you've done to show us that you care about the topics and the messages and the conversations we're having. They're extremely important to me. They're important not only because I have found one or two ways, potentially three ways, of navigating this life and I want to share it with you, and I want you to see that and hear, but see that the conversations we have are the conversations that are needed to be had and that they are going to impact and influence and change perspectives in a way that can shift them into a good consequence of life, a way that can shift them into a good consequence of life, good result of life, versus the states of beings that are so altered and so defeated in feeling, in its existence. And I just want to thank you because you listening, you downloading, you supporting you, sharing you coming on, every single one of my guests so far and supporters that have been on to share their story, to have a conversation with me, to educate me and to inform me, to also help me advocate and reach many new listeners. I thank you because you're validating not that I want to seek that validation, but every part of a human existence wants to be seen and that is a form of validation. And I thank you for seeing me, hearing me, being part of the community that's bringing awareness to mental health, to a way of existing that we don't necessarily again often talk about, to the depths that can impact a soul, to make decisions that are forever altering, that forever change not only their course of life but every single being that they've ever impacted. And so thank you for your support, thank you for again just being a part of my journey this whole time and sharing, sharing this mission with me, sharing this journey with me and sharing also the burden and the weight of it, because it is a united front we must put on.

Adela: 3:00

So a couple of things. I want to update you on this, this podcast, this episode, this episode. I can't even speak today, but then again I can't speak any episode, can I? Today is a good day.

Adela: 3:14

I will say it was a little bit difficult to want to navigate and actually follow through some tasks that I wanted to do through, some tasks that I wanted to do because, mentally, I am a little bit on a on the edge, if you will, because the amount of emotional stability I've had to maintain these last couple of weeks on the front line in order to navigate and continue fulfilling my own mission and hold space that is required of me. It takes a lot of energy and it takes a lot on the body and on the being, and last night I definitely felt the effects of it and it's all okay, it's all worth it, because I know my, I know what my, I know what I'm here for, right like I know what my vessel and what my journey is here for. I know that it's nothing more than to hold space for human beings and to have a conversation, to exist in a way that maybe we haven't thought to or seen to exist before, which is to experience this life for what it is. It is to be blissful, it is to be joyful, because your existence in itself is that right, and that's something that I have been really really leaning into these last couple of weeks, but specifically this last week and a half, two, and no, it's not even been two weeks, it's been, it's been a week, week and a half week. Um, so, yeah, two weeks.

Adela: 4:55

Sorry, my brain's again wanting to, wanting to make sure that my timing is right, but two weeks ago I lost a friend. Weeks ago I lost a friend. I lost him to a way that I did not foresee coming, nor that I want to see it that way to happen. He made a decision that his existence, for whatever reason, just needed to rest, and so he is at peace now. And I know he's at peace because every time I think of him, I think of joy and nothing but joy.

Adela: 5:31

Am I? The human part of me is questioning. You know the whys of the situation. The all-knowing part of me and take that however you will, but the all-knowing part of me understands what is happening, where we're at, and that there's no way any single one of us truly knows a human being of us truly knows a human being.

Adela: 6:08

One of the things that I personally understand is that there is many sides that every single one of us know and we all present to each other. We all play roles and characters and these moments of us that allow us to navigate and circumvent this world. We put on shields and we put on barriers and put on these suits and, believe me, I've done them all. I've have so much evidence out there to prove it all this is as tame as adela has ever been, and uh, but I did and we all do. We play these roles, we put on characters and personas and we are people, multitudes of people, multitudes of personalities and stories of what's been told to us and what's been narrated, narrated to us, defined to us by our friends, by our families, by our interests, and tv and social media, music, whatever information that you're feeding yourself, whatever source of energy that is coming into you, you are essentially that right, and when you are all of those things that you're in, your true self and your true essence is not, it's very hard for the true self to navigate the world.

Adela: 7:25

I have a saying I am from the eighth black hole. We have not discovered the first one. I know they say we found the first one. We're in there, sure, but we haven't really discovered the first one and I've landed on earth. I don't know what's going on. I don't understand how anything is navigated. I can't process how people function here or how they communicate, or why the behaviors are certain, why people have certain behavioral patterns and others don't, or why there's bad people and why there's not, why we can't all get along. There's so many things in this world that I don't understand, and so many customs and cultures and what's right, what's not, what's appropriate, what's not, and for me, the only thing I know and understand genuinely is that my existence is here to hold space without any word, without any sound anymore.

Adela: 8:28

I used to scream at the top of my lungs for people to hear me, for people to validate me, for people to see me, and I really had to learn how to see myself. I had to absolutely learn how to see this existence and this light within me, so that it wasn't dependent upon the world, it wasn't forced to exist in a way that it was conforming to something it's not. That doesn't mean I can't be great. That doesn't mean I am not fantastic and skilled and magnificent and talented and can't take over the world and do all these fantastic, great things. But at the end of it all, when you consider all things and one of the things I've been doing is considering all things is you recognize that nothing matters. None of those things matter Genuinely. This existence and this moment matter the most. And then the next one, and then the next one, and how you interact with it, how you perceive it, where you go from it, and one of the things that's been this has been a lesson, even on its own is that the my capacity to hold on to grief, the fact that I can hold it to the depths that I can for others and help them navigate their moments in the time and space and place and, at the same time, can release it.

Adela: 9:54

For the most part, I'm still working on really releasing it. That's why I go to therapy massage therapy and I do a lot of stretching and working out and meditating on my own and taking care of my being, because it's necessary, like taking care of your being and the process I want to share with you of taking care of that being, when you are a vessel for people who need you to be, when you are a place where humans can come and take, give their being to, and you hold it. That's something that I've learned to cherish, but also learn how to guard and have boundaries on whom that space is available for right. I understand and I believe and I have faith in every human being and their potential, but not every human being deserves the right to my space, nor are they entitled to have my space be their holding space. I'm also not responsible for holding space for everybody I get to in this life and in this experience. Decide and choose who is allowed to come into that space, who can not only in a time of their own need while they need me to hold on to their weight of emotion and weight of the world, because it's overwhelming.

Adela: 11:35

Sitting in grief and sitting in a space and being in a place where you don't know and understand how to process your emotion and what you're going through is so heavy. And having someone hold that space for you and the capacity to just hold it and navigate through it and weave through it in a way that allows you to breathe and allows you to also be seen. It's a skill I didn't know I had, but it's also it's a gift I didn't. I didn't necessarily realize that I gained through my experience and being able to take care of my own being to do that and then also, like I said, who gets that now? Who gets to come into that space and have the freedom to unload their weight? Not everybody. That's something I've had to learn to create a boundary for, because just as much as I believe that every human being deserves to have that space, I am not for every human being to have that space, and that right there is okay. But I am for some, I am for most, or I am for none, and that's okay too. But knowing that that's what I'm here for, knowing that that's what I want to do in my own existence and be a part of that, requires truly me taking care of my being. So how do I do that? How do I cleanse my own soul, my own temple, my own existence, so that I can navigate every day?

Adela: 13:18

So before my rebirth, before my giving into Christ and being part of faith that I have found in this journey of going home and being with God, I was really, really neglect, neglect, neglectful, neglectful that's the word. Neglectful. I was very neglectful of my own existence. It actually didn't matter whether my existence existed. I didn't even know it existed. I didn't know my being, that soul, that Holy Spirit within me, my conscious awareness of the greatness of my existence, didn't know, didn't, had no idea. And after my rebirth, after I had my moment and that question was asked do you want to live or die? And that decision was made that I wanted to live, and I wanted to live with every fiber of my like.

Adela: 14:16

I will fight for my life now. I will fight for my existence, I will fight for my breath and ever since that moment I have been trying to and working on and have come very, I would like to say, and give my own self some credit. I've come a very good, long way to have a conversation, in a way, and my own personal faith that I share with God. Right, and I'm only sharing this with you guys, so that you understand where my frame of thinking is not to persuade you anything, not to give you any advice, not to even encourage you into anything. Your path is your own path.

Adela: 14:56

I truly, truly believe that your path in this journey of spirituality and finding your own way in this universe is your own and it is up to you to seek the knowledge that is required for you to find that path for you. It is up to you to feed yourself the appropriate words of wisdom and encouragement and love and compassion and kindness towards yourself in order to be able to feed it to the rest of humanity, and you'll find your way. And so that's what I did. I did that for myself, I learned, I listened and I continued to, and yesterday I got my very first bible, and which I'm excited about, because it isn't something that I am necessarily, like I said, very forefront in my faith or in my religion or in any of that, because it's not the way I think about it, but my relationship with God, my relationship with my father there's no question about that.

Adela: 15:47

I am there every day now and one of the ways that I pray and that I cleanse my own self after a day of giving myself to humans and serving, and whether that's serving through conversation or serving through a hug, or serving through listening, or serving through being a wife or being a mother, or serving through being to my job, to this, to the podcast, to everything, no matter what that service is, at the end of the day, I will go and take a shower, and one of the things I started imagining in my own head when I go take a shower is that in my head, when I go into my shower, I'm walking into into the temple of God and I'm walking into, I'm going home for the day and I'm coming home and I'm having a conversation with my father and I am telling him about my day and I'm thanking him for giving me the courage to be able to walk through the world today when I didn't feel like I had it, the confidence to stand in my word and stand in my narrative, when I still am navigating and defining it and working on refining what it means to be and how I'm going to be there to fulfill his service. I thank him for my hands, because they had to carry so much for not only my family, but for my own dreams and for others. For being able to provide the comfort when in need and the love and support and compassion for being able to build the things that I don't necessarily think that I can sometimes and I don't give myself credit for. I thank him for giving me the strength in my feet and in my legs to carry me and my dreams and my weight and the weight of the world, and not my shoulders, because that's all energy, as I've learned but but my physical space right, and so I look at my own body as a temple and each part of me is a room that I thank, and I thank my organs. Literally, I thank my organs. I thank my liver for doing what it needs to do. I thank, you know, my bladder for making sure that I go to the bathroom when I need to go. I thank all the other intestines and all the other things. I thank them for doing their jobs and working together. I thank my heart for pumping and doing what it needs to do.

Adela: 18:28

And then I thank my brain for having these crazy ideas and these wild dreams and ambitions that I don't think that I would consciously want to necessarily pursue on my own if it wasn't for this genuine, innate subconscious. I can't, I don't know. I gotta thank that. I gotta thank this brain of mine that is just willing to continuously create, create, create, create, because it has an unlimited power of that. And I'll. I'll do that while I'm, you know, washing my hands. As I'm washing my hands, I say thank you as I'm washing my arms, you know, and every part I'll say thank you. And then I'll say thank you for my mouth, because my mouth has learned how to communicate a lot better. It has become much more of an educational, informational and advocating voice, versus not to say that I don't have my moments, because I get.

Adela: 19:36

I just got in trouble this weekend because sometimes I do. Uh, where I don't, the competitive side of me comes out and I am don't you dare lose this. You're here, there and I know we need that, we need that. But again, time and place and space, and with whom? It's just a game, adela, it's cool.

Adela: 19:54

So there is a lot of that mental process that goes through while I'm in the shower that says thank you for the day and you know I'll come out and I'll do my skincare and I'll polish the temple if you will, you know, do the moisturizing, do all the care, put on the pajamas and walk through and stretch and say thanks again and lay down and go to bed. And I found that ritual to be so extremely cleansing of my own self, because I am, in a sense, confessing whatever it is that I haven't been able to do and asking for grace and for forgiveness at the same time, and I'm also washing away whatever sins that I did have today or whatever energies that I did have to carry today. I get to absolutely absolve my own self of it, so it's almost like my own baptism at every day that I have. And then, if I don't feel good throughout the night and I don't sleep well and sometimes I'll wake up where I don't and I'm had a rough night and these last two weeks have been that way I'll take my shower in the morning too. And I had a rough night and these last two weeks have been that way. I'll take my shower in the morning too, and I'll start the day off cleansed. I'll say you know what.

Adela: 21:02

I wasn't very well thorough last night in my conversation with you. There was a few things I didn't get off my chest. And here's a few things and thoughts over where I'm at and I want to thank you for giving me the guidance to get through today, because it doesn't feel like I have it in me. And then when I come out and I again take that shower and do my skincare brush my hair, brush my teeth, put on my eyebrows and my mascara that's been the two things I've been doing lately and a little bit of a lipstick, and I dress myself now where I didn't before, and all that takes an hour of my time. It sounds like it's a lot more than it is, but it's literally an hour or less, and I have this sense of grounding, a sense of control over my own being being, a sense of accountability, responsibility for the tasks that I have to get done.

Adela: 22:00

And for a primary, primary example, today, you know, I have to record an episode. I do it's, it's coming up, I don't, I pushed off a few things because I've had to navigate and deal with the loss of a friend, and then, of course, navigate and deal with learning how to be there for human beings and what's appropriate and what's not, and while still being me and honest, while still being a mother, while still taking care of myself, while still being a wife, while still so many, while stills, that it becomes extremely hard to navigate so many different aspects of our existence right. And so I found that that is my grounding. And then, whether that means I'll go outside and I will, you know, do some yard work or pick up a few things in the house in between, that gives me so much energy.

Adela: 22:58

So, taking that shower, giving myself that care, giving myself that thank you time, giving myself that moment of gratitude and grace and truly giving myself that grace of saying you're only human, adela, you're not a superhero, you're 10% might think it is, and you're 10% might think she can rule the world and she can be all these things and crazy things. And she can. She absolutely can. She is right in her own way, but in the 90% of your existence you are already perfect the way you are. Your existence is enough that it can be enough. You don't need to search for more and want for more.

Adela: 23:37

And everything that I'm doing isn't for any of that validation anymore. It's it had turned into redemption and it was redeeming my own body and my own self so that the Holy Spirit could come back and reside and so that I was worthy of having that temple to be clean, to be renewed, right To be refreshed and to be accepted, for this temple, for this physical form of my body to be accepted on this plane so that I can coexist in the spiritual and this physical realm. It's such a huge it's. It's a mind trip when you're, when you get there and when you're in that existence of of knowing that this physical form is so limited in space and time, and then it means nothing on the grand scheme of things, but it means everything in what you're doing in your existence today and how you approach it and and and the amount of joy that your existence, just the existence itself, is bliss in itself.

Adela: 24:51

And the fact that we believe the otherwise, the fact that we as human beings do not find our own existence worthy and valuable and that we're so overwhelmed and overshadowed by the narratives of everyone else around us, by our fathers, by our mothers, by our brothers, by our sisters. We are overshadowed by everyone else's narrative of existence, when, in reality, by everyone else's narrative of existence, when in reality, your own is enough, you exist. And I am so deeply saddened, so deeply saddened, that the world was robbed of a human whose light was so bright and so full of potential and whose light just absolutely brought the most joy out of me and whose energy and existence absolutely accepted everything around him except himself. And so I'm devastated by the fact that a light was extinguished and then, at the same time, I'm so grateful, so grateful for the opportunity that I've had to share in that presence and to share in that existence and to be a part of a world and a universe, in a plane and a time and a space where, just for a brief moment, I got to interact. Just for a brief moment, we got to cosmically meet and and create this friendship and create this partnership and this intertwined energetic level of existence that I cannot explain other than you have to be there and the gifts that were bestowed upon me because of knowing him have been so bittersweet, because I wish that he was here to share in those gifts. He's the reason I have him.

Adela: 27:31

But now I've had, I've had time to reflect and to process and to go through conversations with other humans around me and his friends and meet new friends and to hear stories and share narratives of each other and then, again and again, to be reminded that, no matter what, no matter whom you live with, no matter how you think you know someone, there is no way you know a being. You do not know a being I don't even know. I don't know if there's ever going to be a time where we will know another human being, because the depths of our own selves that we are discovering are so tremendously big and important we have no idea who we truly are within ourselves. I mean, on a surface level. We're struggling right now, let alone in the depths of our conscious awareness of this cosmic existence and this depth of emotional experience that we're supposed to be here and connecting and unifying and collaborating in creation, in and collaborating in creation. You know how can we possibly know another being?

Adela: 29:13

And that part also gives me peace that, no matter what, the only thing you can do is do your best and the only thing you can do is show up. Show up for when the human needs you inspire, encourage, be here also, seek the conversation. Seek the conversation about your emotion and what you're processing. I absolutely know firsthand how it feels to come in and have conversations and tell professionals, tell family, tell friends, tell everyone you know and people around you that you know what you're thinking and feeling and how you're processing, and be told that's not right, you're wrong. That's not how you should be told. That's not right, you're wrong. That's not how you should feel, that's not what you should do, that's not how you should think.

Adela: 30:05

And instead of actually having the courage of us going in and dwelling into those feelings with the being that's in and sitting in it with them, accepting them, carrying it for them, being there for them, allowing them to hold them so they can actually understand what it means, versus avoiding and running away, we give the opportunity to the being that's going through something the capacity, the trust, the responsibility, the accountability to control themselves, to seek another way out, and it gives the brain the same chemicals that have us feeling in such depths of despair, the same chemicals that can feel, have us feeling such depths of joy, the same part of our brain that processes pain and, you know, joy, or the same pain processes joy. They do same things. Your brain doesn't understand the difference. But when we don't understand and know that our brain doesn't understand the difference and that feeling is so overwhelming, the feeling is the reality period. There is no physical plane, there is no mental and emotional or there's no spiritual. It's just the overwhelming level of an emotion that becomes overbearing. And then, when it becomes overbearing, we act out without our own consent. We, we think things and we do things that we would never consciously think to do or act upon. And then we're feeling so much shame and so much guilt and so much resentment towards our own self that we don't have any idea how to navigate that. So when you're feeling shame, you're feeling guilt, you're feeling resentment, you're feeling all of these things towards you. When you're feeling shame, you're feeling guilt, you're feeling resentment, you're feeling all of these things towards you. My recommendation, my only recommendation and it is a recommendation is to give yourself grace for the fact that you have made it through the day to get to there, to feel.

Adela: 32:16

Feeling is not a bad thing. It is overwhelming and uncomfortable, but feeling is a obstacle, if you will, a superpower, a skill, a gift that you can master in a way that works for you and that's not mastery for the world. Because, let me tell you something, I have such a hard time still on the outside. It is hard for me to be on the outside on my emotional level and navigate the world, and no matter how many networking events I go to, no matter how many people I talk to, no matter how many times I do this, it is still difficult for me, it just is. So I've resolved with I will not master that, but I will master within my own self and my own being in my own home and my own people that I care about the most and the humans that impact me, to the level that I will strive every day to be that consciously aware self, where there will be not a moment, potentially and hopefully, where I am unconscious of my action and my thoughts. I want to be consciously aware of all of it. I want to process it all in a way that is powerful and that is intentional and that changes my own perspective every day, just about existence, and that allows me to live this life in as much joy as possible, despite the causations of any of my circumstances and consequences.

Adela: 33:52

So it's been a weird processing week and it's weirder still, if you will, because I go to text my friend or I go to call him or I go to put him in an email or I go to add him to things and I I'm reminded I can't. I've struggled in, I've just struggled in the loss of the knowledge, like just the knowledge of losing that life. But on the other end, I have been extremely resolved and again learned, even through this process, the capacity that I have to hold grief and because of my own experience, because of a lifetime of it, in a way that has been created by human beings and nothing more. Created by human beings and nothing more. It is what it is. It's another pain created by human beings and it's another moment of grief, whether intended or not to, whether it is it just it is. That is the part and reality of it and how we navigate that now is the is the hardest part, and I have made a conscious decision that, no matter what, I will navigate the rest of my life that I have here with as much intentional joy as possible, with as much love, as much compassion, as much kindness as I can. That doesn't mean I'm nice about it, like, let's not get it twisted. Adela's still Adela, but I do believe that even she has grown in her not-so-nice tactics right, not so nice tactics, right.

Adela: 35:58

And the determination that I felt, the ambition that I continue to have, is for life, for my life, for your life. I really, really want to encourage you to start washing your face, brushing your teeth, putting your clothes on, brushing your hair, brushing your teeth, putting your clothes on, brushing your hair, seeing the being that is here in this existence, in this physical form, seeing it for what it is, not what it could be, not what it should be, not what it could have been, would have been, should have been. None of the beens should have, would have, could have. None of that, but for what it is and what it is. It is the most exciting part of this whole existence, because you exist, your literal presence on this plane of existence, in this uniform, this cosmic craziness. Because you exist, the world is better now.

Adela: 36:59

I'm not saying there are not some bad apples in the tree. There are some bad apples and they create a lot of havoc and a lot of chaos. Those are the ones that father will deal with. I can't fight those. My job is not to be that fighter for that. We have warriors for that and they're there to fight that, and we have heroes for that and we are here to support that. I am not one of them, but what I am here to be is an encouragement to my brothers and sisters and for you to recognize that and my fellow human beings to recognize that your uniqueness in this existence, in this world, in this life, is so important your voice, your perspective. It shifts the world, it influences, it changes.

Adela: 37:50

But it requires your decision, your decision and commitment to believing in yourself, to having worth in yourself, to having faith that, no matter what, no matter what obstacle, no matter what downfall you may have, no matter what triumph you're gonna have, no matter what it's going to be okay, it, no matter what, it's going to be okay, it's all worth it, it's going to be okay, it is done, it is as is. And again, it doesn't matter what you believe, that's your whole personal journey, but have faith. Have faith that you're worth the fight. Have faith that you're worth the fight. Have faith that you're worth the sacrifice, the sacrifice of some of your own being, to learn the lesson of joy.

Adela: 38:46

And I look back on my war now every day, with not and again, don't take me wrong but not in a way that, oh my God, I'm so glad that happened to me. No, no, no, no. I am grateful for the experience of a life that I never want to experience again. I am grateful for the experience of humans that I never want to encounter again. I am grateful for the decisions and for the choices of humans whom I want to model my own self after, whom I look at, who are courageous, who are determined and disciplined and who are inspiring and who are selfless and who serve, who mentor, who guide. So I'm so thankful for the experience that taught me that, because it gives me the opportunity every single day. Every single day is an opportunity for me to do better upon the knowledge of the two things in my life to look at and reflect upon your own existence. Look and reflect upon your life, review it.

Adela: 39:57

Become a student of your own being. Become your own teacher. You're always going to have something to learn. There's nothing you will ever like. You will never learn everything, but since you know that you can educate, you can become your own teacher. You can become your own scientist in your own, somebody who like studies themselves and is into your own researcher of your own being. What do I like? What do I not like? How do I want to face this challenge? So how do I not like facing these challenges? Well, we're going to do everything in our power not to be in those positions again, but if and then, when I am here is how I will overcome it. Become that for yourself, because no one else can be your bridge.

Adela: 40:54

Please don't ever dim your light and if you ever need a conversation, you ever need to share your story or just want to share and invent something, please reach out to us. Right there on our website. There's an email, there's our contact information. Reach out to us, we will respond. I will respond.

Adela: 41:14

You are worth this existence. You are worth the fight. I don't know if you're good or bad that is something you have to deal with yourself and your maker but I do believe that you're worth fighting for. You're worth being a good human being. You're worth impacting others in a way that can bring prosperity and joy and peace to a collective, to a whole. You're worth that because it requires that, so never give up.

Adela: 41:48

Thank you for listening to this episode. I really appreciate it. I thank you again for the support and thank you for having faith in me as well. I will do my best to continue to serve. I will do my best to continue to grow and I really hope that you do the same for yourself. You're worth it, just like every single human being on this planet is.

Adela: 42:11

You are a child of God. You are my brother, you are my sister and again, no matter what you believe, that's up to you, it's okay. You don't have to accept it, you don't have to like I don't. That's totally up to you. Um, my faith, my belief, is, is that and I love you regardless, and I want you to love yourself regardless, um, and I want you to share in joy and I want you to share in your own compassion and I want you to give yourself grace, because you do deserve the grace. You're only human and humans are complex and weird, but beautiful, beautiful creatures on this existence, and we're here to connect and inspire and feel. We're here to feel through the process. So until next time again, follow, subscribe, love, do all the sharing, do all the good stuff, and I will talk to you in just a little while.