Speaker 1: 0:09

hello, hello, hello, my friends, welcome back to the artist within podcast. I am your host, adela hitel. This is season one, the road to resilience. And boy has it been a true test of the title I promise this year Not that I haven't been resilient before and in my life and all the other stuff, but here we are it is. I got a little off the tangent in there. I had to because it's been that kind of resilience year right For real.

Speaker 1: 0:42

This podcast is produced and sponsored by project human think, a new way to think about mental and emotional health. Our mission is to bridge the gap between our own beings, our emotional, physical, mental, spiritual state of existence, to provide us with ways of functioning and understanding the processes of our daily life better. So where have I been? I have disappeared for the last two, three weeks because I have absolutely needed to. It has been a challenging, to say the least, couple of weeks, couple of months. To be honest, I want to tell you a little story that doesn't. That may or may not make sense to you, but it makes sense to me now that I think back on that situation and how I handled it, and it makes sense now on what God is preparing me to do and how he's preparing me to handle the weight of what is ahead of me, and am I ready for it? Yes and no. Is it time to take on the reins of that space? Yes and no at the same time. And so for me, it's understanding that balance. Yes, it's imperative that I'm here, that I'm a voice, that I advocate, that I speak up. It's imperative that I use my platform and my space and my life and my existence and my breath for the goodness and the kindness and compassion of humanity and for life right. It is imperative. It's also imperative that I provide that same value to myself and same process to that.

Speaker 1: 2:26

So a couple of months ago I took my husband's car. He was out of town and I have learned my lesson. This last time I'm getting a speeding ticket. I'm never taking my husband's car again unless absolutely emergency needed, not for convenience at all, it's just not mine. Trouble always finds me there.

Speaker 1: 2:49

So I took his car and on my way to the, wherever I was going I was going to the store, going somewhere my tire blew. Now it didn't blow like your normal blowout when you're driving on the highway and it just right and you're like, oh, what's happening? No, I was going just fine, it was absolutely fine, and then, out of nowhere, from you know, 60 to 0 on my speed, everything and my psi from like 38 to 0 in just seconds. And I'm like, oh my god, what happened? What the heck happened? So it, this slight panic, took over me because the anxiety of oh my gosh, my husband's out of town. I just blew a tire, I don't know what to do it.

Speaker 1: 3:39

Just had it been a couple years prior to that, I would have literally lost my shit. Honestly, I would have lost all of my shit, I would have cried, I would have threw a gasket, I would have had a tantrum bigger than I could potentially have, I would have hyperventilated, set myself into a panic spiral and it just would have been a nightmare. I would have because I have done it. So that is so. That was what was the thought as that happened. So I'm driving, that happens, I'm on. Thankfully, I am on the toll roads, which are a little less busy a lot less busy, if I'm being honest, which is great and I was also by the merge areas, like off of an exit, so there was extra lane and I could get over. So, like all the right things happen.

Speaker 1: 4:21

And that's kind of what I thought about as this was happening. I was like, okay, what? Instantly, instead of the panic, I mean, I felt the panic rise within me. I can't like. It felt like this boiling level of water just came upon me, just oh, my god, I'm gonna die, kind of thing. But I also was like okay, breathe. You don't know what's happening, you don't understand. It's just a flat tire, as it seems. So let's pull over. And I literally talked myself through that, like I was out loud speaking Adela, pull over, it's cool, you got this, you got this.

Speaker 1: 4:52

So I rolled my way over, I pull over, you know, I pull over as safely as I can Get out, assist the situation. And I look at it it's a flat, flat. I can't tell where the flat is. I literally can't tell, but it's flat. It's just flat on the bottom. And so I'm like shit. And so I call my, I text my husband, I'm like, hey, just got a flat, I'm gonna get it taken care of, or I might have texted him afterwards or whatever. Regardless he one way or another, I I did let him know, but I think I let him know afterwards and I opened up my trunk I look if I have a spare. I have a spare I pulled. I started to pull the spare out, right, because I'm like well, I've changed tires before. This has happened to me before I can do this. Let me just take care of it, be a grown up and take care of it right and not freak out and do whatever. I up and take care of it right and not freak out and do whatever.

Speaker 1: 5:51

I was also dressed, really cute and pretty that day, like I had my sweater on and I had my cute, like it was. Just it was. It was a cute day and I go to pull the tire out and I realized I'm a delicate flower. Now, like I am a delicate flower, I have learned my complete fragility and vulnerability and my delicacy. The picking up that tire was so heavy and so hard. Now I'm not saying that in an extreme situation I will not have the strength, the power, the absolute need, necessity. But in that situation I realized it was not extreme. I was not like it was gonna be okay.

Speaker 1: 6:24

So I was like okay, god, I got this. I'm gonna call my brother and ask him to come save me because I need that. He's my younger brother, like by a decade so, but he's a master mechanic, knows his stuff and nobody else I trust. And I was like, all right, so dial him, he picks up right away. And I was like hey s right, so dial him, he picks up right away. And I was like, hey, sissy's in trouble, can you come save me? I have a flat. Is there a way you could come and take care of me? And he's like, of course, I got you. I need a couple of minutes. So I was like no worries, you know, way faster than a tow truck, by the way, way faster than any kind of service, potentially, which I should. Let me look this up while I'm talking to you too. But I did learn that you can let me make sure I get this right.

Speaker 1: 7:09

Jacksonville toe, no, not Jacksonville toe, because it's free, and I think you should know, and I forgot to add that in because I forgot I was gonna tell the story. Jacksonville Road Ranger assistance. Here we go. Fdot road ranger there we go, there we go, there we go. There's the number. Okay, I have it in a machine. Just a second. So while I'm talking, let me pull this up too. Here we go. This is the number you you need to use to text 3, star 347. Okay, so the reason why I want to say that and it's really important because they stopped and were very kind and nice to me, but our Florida Department of Transportation, that's what it is I believe you can text our road rangers the star 347 number right there, it'll sit on the screen, star 347, and you can get assistance in getting your change of flat tires. It says it right there. Jumpstart of minor vehicles provide standard local free calls if you need it. Help clear disabled vehicles, gasoline, water, diesel, whatever you might need on that, so they can help you if you are stuck. Basically is one way or another they can help you.

Speaker 1: 8:35

So I first of all did not know that that was not something that I should have known, but I did not know that I should have known that, but I did not know that, so it was great. So I'm stuck on the side of the road and I am, you know, I sit in my car for a minute. I call my brother. My brother comes, my brother's calls, answers, the call says he's on his way and I'm, like you know, chilling in my car and doing my thing and I'm saying a prayer to God and telling him that I'm having a conversation actually and I'm having a conversation actually and I'm going. You know, I really could be freaking out right now and I am freaking out right now. However, at the same time, I'm not freaking out right now because you got me, you got this, I got this, we got this and my brother's going to be here soon, it's all going to be okay and I, you know it'll work out, because it all works out and it was just really cool and I said that too was like it's really awesome that I can feel this panic attack.

Speaker 1: 9:24

I can, I can process that. It's happening within my body and it's choking me. However, at the same time, I'm also able to. I have this like voice within that I've strengthened so much. That is my own guidance. It's like, adela, like you got this you have. It's my own self-help talk. I promise you it's not somebody that has come through and is like oh, I, I call it my own adela voice. I had to build her up. I had to make sure that she understood that. You know, she, she, she is my guidance when I'm lost. And that's also to me like I had to build trust and faith in god and the holy spirit and that's kind of part of all that connected to it's just the way my brain thinks it and so when that calming voice of myself comes through, that conscious voice of myself that comes through, it says Adela, you got this, we got this, it's all good. It's also God talking to me and I'm talking to him and like having this moment on that.

Speaker 1: 10:17

So I was in there having that conversation and I see the road ranger coming up and he pulls up and he pulls behind me and I get out of the car. You know, pull up to him and he's still in the car because I didn't need him to really come out and I didn't obviously know anything about somebody coming or like that they could do like I just didn't know. So this is where I will share with you why information or lack of information, it's part of my oh, I just saw it in here. It's part of my little cards that I picked up. Lack of information causes generalization. It's a life lesson I have right here. It was my life pickup card today. So it all makes sense. So my lack of information just caused me to kind of get into a general panic and caused me to put me into this level of like. I don't know anything, but I'll figure it out.

Speaker 1: 11:11

Uh, and there's assistance in their resources. You know, star three, four, seven text that and they can absolutely help. So, anyway, he pulls up and he's like and he's a big muscly man, okay, he's this big muscly, he's a man's man. And so he's like what? And he's a big muscly man? Okay, he's this big muscly, he's a man's man. And so he's like what's going on? You okay, you know, whatever.

Speaker 1: 11:29

I was like yeah, I'm good, my brother's on his way to help me change the tire, so he should be here in the next like 15, 20 minutes. I'm all good, you know I'm pretty good. And he's like oh, hey, for future reference, before you call anybody, or you know, if you don't have anybody on the way, call us, text us this number, and it was the 34,. Start 347. So start 347, that. And he's like we'll come out and help with the flat tire, we'll help. You know, change, at least change to your spare, get you some gas, make sure that you're OK in this, in the situation you're in. It's a free service. And I was like oh, shoot, okay, um, so I, you know. So he, I was like he's like I'll come back in about next 10-15 minutes, see, make sure you're good, whatever. Um, I was like yeah, no, worries, absolutely. Um.

Speaker 1: 12:17

And then he said we kind of started talking a little bit about um, you know how his day was going, how mine was slightly on that, and he's like you know. I was like, well, I try to the, so I tell a little bit about me trying to pull the, uh, the spare out. And I was like you know, try to pull it out. And that just is like no, and he goes, he's like you know, a lot of women nowadays do their own thing and change tires and all that stuff. And I was like, I was like oh, no, no, no, I'm one of those women, absolutely one of those women. However, this is where I'm at right now.

Speaker 1: 12:47

I've understood and accepted my fragility, my vulnerability, and I understand the difference between the man and a woman, and your strength is what's necessary for here. This is what you do. This is a boy job, man job, and it's just not a job for me. And you know what nowadays, I can wait, I don't need to rush it, I will have a man come save me. And he started laughing and I'm like so my brother will come and save me and it'll take him 30 seconds to with his little you know speedy gonzalez tools that he has, because that's his profession, not mine versus me trying to err, err, the whole time of bolting on bolting and then and then let's not even sure if I'll have the strength to, you know, put it back on right.

Speaker 1: 13:33

So I was. There's just too many chances for me to. I don't need to play my own hero, I can get a hero. And that was really cool too, because that's not something I've ever done. I've never, ever, played or put my hero hat down and been like let me call the resources, let me call the humans in my life, let me call the men in my life and ask them to help me. So it was a really cool experience and really cool process to be there and to kind of recognize that my complete need to like I'm in this space.

Speaker 1: 14:07

The reason I say this story is because it reminds me of how fragile I have become in this space since that time and how much I need my own reminder of I can't do it all right, it's not my job to do it all, so I had to take a couple of weeks off. I had to spend some time and take a couple of weeks off and remind myself of that, that my state of existence, that level of vulnerability that I share with everybody and that openness that I have. It takes a toll on me. And during that process, during these last three weeks, I picked up the Bible, I started reading and I started really understanding.

Speaker 1: 14:49

To be honest, understanding my whole path of every trials and tribulation, every sacrifice, every portion of my life is coming into this sense of organized understanding versus scattered and confused. My dreams are still scattered and confused. I wake up still lost and still confused. I can't find my way out of somewhere, I can't understand some things that are happening. And I'm there and I'm consciously awake, like walking through corridors or putting myself into spaces or, you know, like having a nightmare. I can't find my car when I know I parked it and then actually living that nightmare out somewhere, shape or form, is kind of crazy and creepy, and it's been.

Speaker 1: 15:36

I've been having those moments quite a bit over these last couple of months, and so when I realized that the amount of stress I was taking on and the toll of the weight of the world and the weight of everything that, like the negativity that's going on in the world, the loss of life that's happening across the globe, but also around me in my own personal life, was a massive toll. This time to take and get through. Have told us, this time to take, all to take and get through. And the reason I say the story to that, and how it relates to now too, is because that was also the day I remember asking, like telling God I'm like you're preparing me for something massive, aren't you like? I know this tire blowing out is your way to prepare me for something greater.

Speaker 1: 16:23

And because it didn't blow the norm away like it didn't, it didn't explode, I did it, it was an, it was an interior blow to the tire. So when I got the tire to the place, when I got all my stuff and my brother came and fixed it, which was like 15 minutes, he came in. It took literally 45 minutes from the time that it happened. For me getting to the, to the place and you my getting my car in. Now my car tech getting the tire fixed, was an all-day process, but getting to that, to that, I was able to go home, get uber, you know, yada, yada, and come to find out it was an interior blow, like, like it blew from the inside. And so I'm a metaphor girl. Okay, I have learned.

Speaker 1: 17:03

I love metaphors, I love analogies, I love finding connections in life, I love seeing simple things and finding great meaning in them. It's just a part of how I function and how it makes me work. And so that tired day, how it blew and how there was no external damage, how there was nothing on the outside, like literally nothing that indicated that there was something happening, even my brother was like it's probably he's like the only logical thing could be that's from the inside, like it did something inside, whereas, you know, I'm like there's no puncture, there's nothing. And so, yes, that's what it was. And they, you know, of course, had to replace the tire and do that. But the frame of it, the structure of it, you know, all of that was fine.

Speaker 1: 17:48

And so I took that as a metaphor, because I, how easily can one just blow up in an internal space of themselves? So if you're constantly moving and moving, and moving, and moving, and moving and moving and not giving yourself the proper care, you know the internal part of what's holding you together will eventually start to deteriorate. So you know my organs, my, my, my muscles, my bones, my, the interior structure of me, and I realized that since, since, about July, since we did the documentary, filming and finishing that up and you know, going out to California, coming back doing more stuff, launching the podcast, getting it going out, obviously the whole family, everything, like I didn't take any time to myself. And then the loss of life that I incurred, the, the extreme personal loss of life, um, tad being one of them, and then also the reason that set me off and having to take these last two weeks off was that lot. Uh, two two weeks ago, um, a friend that I had met through my spa that I go to in St Augustine Salt Spa, which they're fantastic, austin Johns. He passed away too, and at his own hand as well, and that was so hard for me to digest, because this bright light, this smile, this being that I've gotten to know through my visits and through our conversation and sharing the podcast and sharing a few messages here and there, like I've gotten to know him just a little bit, and his light was so bright and to have it diminished again, it really hit me hard because I became hopeless.

Speaker 1: 19:45

Right, I became hopeless. I was like god, like how, how is this happening right now, especially around me? And I went into my pity me state and I went into asking why is it happening to me when humans, like the actual human suffering, are the ones who've lost their child, who've lost their loved one, who've lost their brother, who've lost their sister, who've lost their like, like suffering? And I went into this despair I can't help, I'm. Everything I'm doing is terrible. What's the point?

Speaker 1: 20:18

And I really, and and on a on a really deep level, like every, I truly, wholeheartedly know that there is no point to what I'm doing right now. There is no like it doesn't matter because in a blink of a second blink of an eye it'll just stop, won't ever matter, won't ever be of significance, ever at all. On the other hand, this enormous hope that the parts that is left behind, the parts that are here, the parts that we do project, the parts that are life right now that we have the ability, I hope, I hope and hope that it is impactful and that it can be everlasting and that it can be deeper than just this physical form that we have, right, like the idea and the essence and this light of a being can live on. And I was really struggling with the two halves of the truths, because to me they are the truths um, in a blink of an eye, nothing in a blink of an eye, everything like it, just nothing matters. But everything matters. Nothing matters in the grand scheme of things, but everything matters on the minuscule thing that you do in your life and how you approach your life and the way you move things.

Speaker 1: 21:43

And so I was beginning to become so hopeless because I felt like I was not doing enough. I was not. There's just so much more that I could give, but I wasn't. And there were spaces and places I could fill, but I wasn't. So just really hard on myself and I called a friend of of mine and I have a safety net or two that I will call when I can't process and I called and I just needed to talk it out and understand. And you know the same things I would tell her and I know the same things. And I said the same thing to myself my own speech, my own thing.

Speaker 1: 22:22

But there was no way to get out of it, like I went into the, into my hell, and so I turned off and realized that I induced my anxiety a bit more for the next couple of days and I was exhausted even more. My body started started to ache, so all the old symptoms of my fight or flight were starting to come back. The trauma, the PTSD, was starting to become in full force. I was starting to become aggravated, irritable, manic because I couldn't go to sleep at the appropriate time at the appropriate time, and also very. I could recognize when I was starting to shut down as far as feeling, but just functioning in automation. And when I go to in automation mode, that's when my adrenaline is taken over, that's when my you know, the cortisol is at a high and it's high for me, and that's when my fight is on and my and whether I will fight or flight, um, and, and a lot of times too I've been in a free state and sometimes you get all three will happen at once for me.

Speaker 1: 23:33

So I, I and I won't know or navigate, be able to navigate it in any shape or form, and but I've, I've come to a really big realization in these last two weeks that I have not given myself enough credit for the amount of work I've put into understanding that and being able to control it and manage it, and the grace that I need to give myself, because I did take on months of emotion, months of processing humans and the things that I do and the conversations and then processing trauma with human beings who are suffering the trauma they're suffering and being there as a space for them to hold and and a you know just just as a, as a space. Nothing else. I know nothing like, there's nothing I advice or any kind of literally, I feel as I do nothing, but I also understand just how important being in one's presence is and doing nothing but being in a presence, and so I know that, even though I feel like it's nothing, it's something. And so I did that. It was just a lot, and I didn't recognize that I was giving, giving, giving and not replenishing my being as much as I needed to through the things that I needed to. So yesterday I came. It's Christmas Eve day today, so it's Christmas Eve day today, so it's Christmas Eve.

Speaker 1: 25:06

We're right at the point where I could completely be dissociated from all the stuff because I'm still in the mode of instability. However, I'm really consciously choosing to feel the uncertainty and uncomfortableness and the anxiety of it all but talk myself through and process it. And prime example yesterday I was about to go into my behavioral pattern and when I don't know what to do and I'm in a panic and confused state and that's what my dreams have been telling me the last couple of days I've been confused, in a panic state that I was going to start to redecorate, redo my whole house, redo every, just tear everything apart and start over again. And I had to sit myself down on the floor and I put my hands on the floor, sat down and I said Adela, is it really necessary? Do you have to re? And then, of course, I went to well, my feng shui is off and I don't feel like this is it I need to refresh and I need to.

Speaker 1: 26:05

And I really like sat there and had two conversations and one side that was having the tantrum and the need I let her have it. And then the other that was more controlled and saying I made sure that she spoke that way, like this one, and the other one was very much, are you kidding me? Like, but I need to do this because if I don't do this, it just feels like I'm gonna die. And this one was like, okay, well, it feels like you're gonna die, you're not dying. How about we just rearrange your space and not the whole house, because we don't need to infringe and take away from everybody else that lives here too and take up their space too now, because you have this feeling and this need to redo everything, because you don't know how to live in constant comfort. So I said, okay, I can compromise with that and that's what I did.

Speaker 1: 27:00

So I redid my space here and I love it so much more. It gave me that. It gave me the endorphins and the dopamine that I needed to feel sedated and feel satisfied in changing, rearranging and cultivating something and creating and curating and being the artist that I am. And then it also gave my Monica the organization that she needed, because I needed to organize stuff. I needed to put things in order. I needed to. There's just so because I needed to organize stuff, I needed to put things in order. I needed to. There's just so much I needed to do for myself. Because I was what is my shirt says? It says happy. Okay, it was that happy and it was not joyful. I was none of that and I couldn't again get out of it. So I did that. I rearranged, redid, restructured and felt so great. And then I took a shower. And because, again, my shower every day, the moment, every day.

Speaker 1: 27:45

This week, though I, or in the last two weeks, I've attempted to make sure that at least that's my constant ritual of resetting my nervous system, resetting my, my whole being, in no matter what time of day, whether that's at night or just to get that conscious clarity, and it's working. So I did that and redid my hair a bit and, as you can see, I got some color in it, so really took a bit care of myself yesterday and I did a few things for work that I needed to do, but I'm also not so hard on myself for not doing anything for it either, because, at the end of the day, when I look at my list of accomplishments and the actions I've taken and what I have done to get to where I'm at and the things that I am doing and everyday steps, while at the same time learning how to be a human being and what it means to exist in this world, at the same time processing the trauma and the unknowns of my own mind, plus living in the social construct of everybody's wants, needs, requirements and expectations, and being a mother, and being a wife, and, and, and so the amount of labels and the amount of things that are needed to be done just to exist in this place, in this space, is so overwhelming that I am okay with not completing my season right on time, that I wanted to this way. But then I look at it, I'm still on time. I gave myself the time. I was smarter than I gave myself credit for. I prepared hard and now like be smarter, prep harder. Right, I was so much smarter than I gave myself credit for. I prepared for, for I prepared for this week, these two weeks it prepared for me not being in a good headspace.

Speaker 1: 29:34

At some point I didn't realize that, and and so you have to stop and pause and reflect and review and see where you're at and recognize that again, you're not superhuman, you are not god, you are not a mythical creature as we would all like to think and be, and we are mere human beings with limitations and with capacities that we don't even understand, what levels are fueled at and what. What would they're able to give or take in? And yet we are requiring that of everyone else, and so taking a step back, recognizing that I am again a mere nothing, but a mere everything to my immediate space, my immediate existence. Mere nothing to you, to everything else in the world, but mere everything to me and to my husband, to my son, to my home, to this structure. That's a lot of value and that's a lot of thankfulness that you have to have, and gratefulness that you have to have, because if not and you don't look at it the things that I'm seeking outside of that are literally have nothing to do with anything. You don't know me, I don't. I don't know you, you can't give me my daily, you know fulfillment of my soul that my family does and this home does. I can't give it to you. Either we can be there of assistance to each other or fuel, or you know moments of inspirations and sparks, but that we are responsible for each other in some shape or form or accountable for that, like it's just ridiculous and I have to remind myself I am not a hero, I'm not world savior and I'm not anointed to do that. It is not my job, even though I would like to be, as the being that I am, and being like oh, I could do it all. I can't.

Speaker 1: 31:22

So I wanted to share something else with you while we're talking on this topic of taking the time off and being here. I have these. I got these, the idea space cards that we do at our events. So if you're ever at an event and see us out there, you'll get to play these cards with us, and they're color coordinated, which I love, because you know I like color, and they all have a little bit of something different. They have the idea space, zen, life, emotion, stoicism and mindfulness, and every once in a while, when I feel again lost and confused and in my inability to process anything in life, I will take a moment and do these cards, and I have a stack of them that we we, you know do and play when we're out and about, and so I'll play with them for myself, and they're not tarot cards or any of that stuff. They're not none of that. They're just little quotes and reminders of moments and things in your life.

Speaker 1: 32:18

So, um, the lack of information was the one I pulled out today. Uh, and that was one that, um, when it was the question, says when was the last time you judged someone unfairly by jumping to conclusions? Um, I've done that a thousand and one times. And that's just judging anything. It's not someone, but judging anything in life.

Speaker 1: 32:38

And criticism without creativity is just pessimism. The honest way to critique is to create the alternative nabal ravikat, ravikant, um, and it's like provides, you know, helpful feedback to someone today. Well, I'm providing To create the alternative Naval Ravikant, and it's like provides, you know, helpful feedback to someone today. Well, I'm providing helpful feedback to myself, because I needed to recognize that the idea space, just about ideas, being human, means there will always be one thing that we can relate on, and that to me, by Clement Clement. I'm going to say all these names wrong guys. Clement de crop, um, being human, like that's our whole thing about project human, that's what my whole thing about. Everything else, it doesn't matter about your existence as a human being.

Speaker 1: 33:25

There's always one way that we can relate. Whether I like you, dislike you, whether you like me back or not, whether we agree or disagree, whether we think the same or not. I mean we could be it doesn't matter. There's one thing that we can relate on, it's being a human being, and being a human being in this world is extremely difficult and is extremely overwhelming, and it is also the most beautiful gift that we could have ever been given. It is also the most exhilarating experience that it is the shortest experience of our life. The most exhilarating experience of our life. It is like the Velocicoaster at Universal. It is like the greatest speed coaster roller coaster at least in my opinion made and it's awesome. Um, I have been ventured out many places, so, based on my experience and limited information, that one's the best. But it's life is like that. It's so exhilarating for the few seconds that you're on it, but the weight to get there, the struggle to get there, the, the, the, the triumphs and tribulations you have to just to get on that ride, the trials and errors you have to go through just to get on that ride continuously like that's part of that.

Speaker 1: 34:36

And to me that human experience is that ride and we can relate on that. We can be here and through this last couple of months of again and and this loss that I've had and experienced, and for humans who've reached out to me through their experiences of loss and have asked me to hold space, or I've just offered to hold space myself, because you were somebody I know we need to be together and understand our capacities so that we are able to offer these spaces and we can understand that loss is loss, joy is joy. You know, grief is grief, pain is pain and we can all relate on that. We can all be there and we can understand the human side of everything, not the logistics, not the politics, not the ideologies, not the theories, not the conclusions, but just the mere humanity. Like we're human beings, we exist, we feel, and on that level that's the most common ground we can have on there.

Speaker 1: 35:31

And so, as my saying goes, I don't have conversations if they're not human conversations and anything else is just not going to be. Um, is not going to be tolerated in my life. Um, and this one's cool because again it's a reminder to me it says everybody wants to be part of something bigger than themselves, but no one wants to be themselves. Same human with the other one, clement de Kropp. So just those ideas. And in my Zen space, whether our assumptions are true or false does not matter for the individual shape, his or her reality, in which he or she seeks again clement de krop.

Speaker 1: 36:11

I just needed to, I need to look him up as a snc um, and that's so true because right now I was in a reality that was really confused and hopeless and it was not a space that I wanted to be and I had to take the time, I had to figure out what was wrong. I had to pause for a second. I had to stop all of this. I mean I literally had just finished a wonderful interview with neslia cole which you guys have to listen to. It's available on all the streaming. It's been available. That did launch, literally just finished it. We launched it on the stream. Flowers was getting ready to start on our youtube premiere, which will be this week on it for her.

Speaker 1: 36:44

And then, but I could not process. I couldn't even think of the ideas or process the ideas for being the existence of them. I have to sneeze. That was a sneeze, but I muted myself. So, anyway, and I had to, the assumptions that were being created in my life that life was hopeless, that nothing I do mattered like these creations I was creating were terrible. So I had to pause, I had to do my life and I had to seek my truth.

Speaker 1: 37:17

Confucius says it is the person that makes truth great, not the truth that makes the person great. And so I have to figure out what my truth is, I have to stay on top of it and I have to figure out what my truth is. I have to stay on top of it and I have to act upon it, and your truth is only as true as it is the action you take towards it. So for me to say that I am in my space of Zen, in my peace, in my joy, in my vulnerable area, my understanding of really acceptance of everything, but also really being joyful and light and creating spaces for that. I can't be the tantrum that I am and I feel inside. I can't pretend to be speaking the truth and saying the truth when the truth has been not acting upon it or being within it and taking on the like full ownership role and that's what I had to do role, and that's that's what I had to do.

Speaker 1: 38:15

So, um, emotion was a desire, is a contract you make with yourself to be unhappy until you get what you want. Naval Ravikant. Uh, the desire for a positive experience is itself a negative experience. The acceptance of one's negative experience is is itself a positive experience, mark manson. So for me, the desire desire is a tricky word, because my desire in this life is peace. I genuinely just desire peace on a daily basis, and that desire requires me to ensure that the actions I take are fully honest with myself.

Speaker 1: 38:59

What I want is for that desire to be true. Like the desire and want can almost be interchangeable in so many shapes and places in your life, but when you really reach for the root of your truth, like in your holy spirit world of your temple, of your heart, like the depths of your soul, soul, the desire for absolute peace within the self is the greatest contract you could make, and you will be willing to make that with anything and everything that around you can exist that will provide you the peace you seek. But unless you recognize and understand what the word peace means to you and which way it's going to be structured, you can't have it. And so I've had to really ensure. That's why the desire is a contract you make with yourself to be unhappy until you get what you want. I don't want that to be the result of that. Like I just want the desire of peace and joy, like there is. How do I? That's it, period, there's. No, I don't want it to be a five minute thing, 10 minute thing. Like the true desire, true love of that is endless to me. And so when I think of the word desire and I think of that space, it's so much deeper than just a limited get what you want. Have a moment, throw it away and almost very negative or evil to it. And I want to. My desire, true desire in this whole existence is peace, is genuine peace of my soul, and and I found it. It doesn't mean it's easy and it stays the same, but I found it. It means working on it.

Speaker 1: 40:53

The blue card is stoicism. You are what you love, not what loves you. Charlie Kaufman, listen, this one is hard for me. You are what you love, not what loves you. Even today, before you are what you love, not what loves you. Even today, before I got on to do this and have this conversation, I went through my list of people I have to message an email. And then I said, oh my gosh, if I don't message an email, they're not gonna like me anymore. They're gonna.

Speaker 1: 41:23

And I went into this whole needing to be loved by them, need to to be accepted by them, needing to be, you know, just seen by them, versus I genuinely love them and that's it. And I'm going to send the message, I'm going to send the email. And if I don't do it today, that's okay. I will do it and I will make it beautiful and wonderful and out of my heart. But I love them and that's it, like that's the truth of it, there out of my heart, but I love them and that's it, like that's the truth of it. There's no hidden agenda to that. But my mind will like instantly go into they will never love me. I cannot be loved I could. There's no acceptance to me, um, or or anything, if I just my love.

Speaker 1: 42:02

My existence is based on other people's love and that's a hard one for me to still, like I said, get through, because I look at you guys too and I go. If I don't take, if I don't continue this life, if I don't continue doing what I'm doing and really hard work and project human and now the podcast and now change the world and all this stuff, oh my gosh, they hate me because I took time off to heal myself. Oh my gosh, they don't love me and I need your love and that's a validation of my ego, not a redemption of my soul, and I want to redeem my soul and my soul is redeemed. I am with God, I am with Jesus, so there's nothing else that's needed. What else am I seeking? What else am I wanting? But that doesn't mean that again those thoughts in that moment isn't there. So that stoicism card is a good reminder for me that, um, I am what I love, period, nothing else, nothing more.

Speaker 1: 42:54

Uh, and mindfulness with this one was you experience the past as a thought in the present. You experience the future as a thought in the present, joseph goldstein. Um, think lightly of yourself and deeply of your, of the world. Miyamoto musashi, let go of the self, let go of the self again. I had to take the time off to let go of my ego, stop seeking validation, and we need to be reminded on a constant basis. Just because we recognize it doesn't mean it's a behavioral part of our everyday habit or structure. I mean we've been taught our whole life to be selfish and to think of ourselves, especially here in America, and so to be changing and retraining that on a conscious level is hard, but we can do that.

Speaker 1: 43:43

And the idea that I'm experiencing the past and the present and the future all at once and here in this moment, because I thought, because of this versus this moment here, that's freaking, overwhelming, and I lived there like a thousand. For a thousand years I lived there and it was terrible and terrible and terrible. The anxiety, the can't shut the brain off, can't stop the process, can't do nothing. It was insane, but I overcame that. I overcame that part, because today is just about these moments. It's about the action I take right now. It's about this moment, this conversation, this podcast. It's about the next thing. It's about the thing after that.

Speaker 1: 44:19

It is not about tomorrow. It is not about whether or not you will like this episode. It is not about how many views I'll get. It is not about downloads. It is not about whether it's successful. It is not about what like. It is literally nothing about any of that except this moment. That is an extremely hard practice to get out of. It took me a long time and because I am all about the future, and those who know, who knew me and know me now, will vouch for the Adela that couldn't get past taking over the world, winning the Oscars, being the greatest of the greatest period.

Speaker 1: 44:59

End of discussion. It is done to well. That's fine and dandy, and that's great. Here's what's happening today. It's really as simple as that. That's fine and dandy and that's great. Here's what's happening today, it's really as simple as that. That's fine and dandy and that's great, but what's happening today?

Speaker 1: 45:15

And I wasn't living up to those things at all. I was somewhat living up to them in certain areas, in certain portions of it, but my daily actions, my daily moments, my presence, my actual today, what's happening, was not a reflection of that. So, having to learn for the mind and the brain to be in there, the best way, the only way I've been able to manage that and control that, is literally through writing things down. Now, yes, technology has helped me with so many different ways that I use it, utilize it. However, this part right here, creating my own space, as you can see, I even have my zen cards in here too, they're taped as a reminder.

Speaker 1: 45:54

These were my first picks, but having these reflective moments, seeing where I'm at being accountable, reviewing, reflecting my mom, like defining my narrative about what I'm doing on a daily basis, has changed everything, because I've been able to accomplish so much more. And now I look at it and I see things and I go, oh, that's easy. Oh, that's so much easier. Oh, that's not overwhelming. Oh, get an episode done. Get it knocked out. Get this done. Get it knocked out. Get six things done. Get it knocked out. Okay, got you. How much time do I need? Oh, what do I? Where am I at? Oh, that's what I've got to do? Okay, great, I have this, I have this and I can rest. Boom, checkmate done. That is an amazing feeling, like actually being able to complete things and get them done. It's an amazing feeling.

Speaker 1: 46:38

So I want you to understand the work that you're doing right now. The brain that is speaking to you in the negative form and that is giving you a hard time. There's a voice within you that's also, at the same time, saying that's not true. That doesn't mean that there's part of what that voice, that negative voice, is saying there isn't some truth to it, right, hi, balloons, how did we get there? Hey, that awesome Doesn't mean there's not some truth to it. Right, but it's not the truth. It's not the truth of who you are. It is not the truth of who you are.

Speaker 1: 47:18

And so when I went into my spiral two weeks ago and I went into the helpless hopelessness, I went into my own prison. I went into the dark, the dark, cold, concrete space of my actual prison as a child. I went in there. I allowed all the demons to come in and tell me how terrible, how just in like wasted space I was. I'm, I'm telling you these this just two weeks ago, but at the same time then, while those voices were yelling at me and while I was in that space and I was crouched in my head that way in this, in my little room, you know, in my prison cell, in my little room, I was crouched there and all these voices are telling me that this inner part of me was also very bright, going no, no, no, and my shoulders were squaring back and I was standing up and I was able to walk out of that room by myself and walk into the light and say no.

Speaker 1: 48:17

That doesn't mean that there wasn't some truth to what they were saying. There was some truth that I had to work on and I had to fix and I'm not responsible and it's, you know, it's the I. In all honesty, I'm not, you know, I'm not anything great or important to anybody, but I am to me and that I am to God, and I am because I exist and breathe, and that's enough, right. So having honest conversations with yourself to lead you to your light, to lead you through your path is the most important part of any kind of therapy exercise, any kind of healing process you could potentially do, is being honest and honest conversation out loud with yourself. That might be in the mirror, that might be through a podcast like this, and whether or not you post anything doesn't matter. I have a hundred thousand videos Maybe not that many, I'm over exaggerating. I have a couple hundred videos where maybe one day you may or may not seen them and they are not pretty. They are my process videos.

Speaker 1: 49:22

I mean I was butt, ugly gut wrenching just I don't understand ugly gut wrenching, just what I don't understand. But I needed to process it with someone and talk to someone, even if it was just the phone listening, and in turn it ended up being I was talking to myself, I was talking to my own being, because I needed to hear me. I needed to hear my own cries, I needed to hear my own joys. I needed to hear my own self and understand myself so that I was able to be here and accountable for it. It is that's not selfish, that's being honest with yourself, that's taking accountability, that's holding yourself responsible for every action that you do, and it's a beautiful, freeing thing, because then you recognize you're not responsible or accountable to anyone else but yourself and to God. Last thing that I do is I have these mindful messages that we pull and they're messages of mindfulness, and so we're going to pull one out for me today because I need a little reminder of my mindful message. So I'm going to do this and I'm just going to pull that one, because that was the one I was pulling out, and it's like get focused.

Speaker 1: 50:25

Okay, to attract what I want, first I get clear on what is what it is I desire. I envision it for a minute or more every day, feeling how it would feel to have this in my life, what I would do, how I'd react and who I'd tell. I picture it all. Through my continual alignment with my desires, they begin to flow into my physical reality and divine timing. That part is absolutely true. Not everything that I desire or everything I want in my life, of course, is accomplished yet, but I am getting clearer and clearer and clearer on my mission, on my vision, on my desire, on my intention and every day spending time and understanding that Now I don my intention in every day, spending time and understanding, and now I don't do it every day. I don't have the capacity for every single day in my life, for all of my visions and dreams, because, again, you're a mother, you're your wife. There's a lot of stuff you got to do. So, the time that I do spend, I am very intentional in what I want with it. So how I want this podcast to feel.

Speaker 1: 51:28

It took me a long time to get here because I knew what I wanted out of it. I knew how I wanted to present myself, why I wanted to be in that state. I saw that. I created it, I worked on it, I built it and it's here and that's beautiful. I felt every moment of this, this peace, the stability, the structure. It's beautiful. I felt every moment of this, this peace, the stability, the structure. And now I'm here and for you know my home, I did the same thing and now I have a. You know my downstairs. I have a winter wonderland this year, which I'm more blessed than ever because I have a winter wonderland. Are you kidding me?

Speaker 1: 52:05

And so when you are actually focused on your own being and are clear and you're defining your narrative and are writing it every day, rewriting it and trial and error, you are really restructuring and rebuilding all of your, your, your whole being, and it's fantastic when you do that. And then you come out and you change, and then you set your boundaries and you control the way you flow. You control how fast you go, you control how slow, you control how high and how low Not here to rhyme, but it's just what it is but you control it. You are part of that destiny now of your life, versus someone else being a part of it. You are the thing that creates every bit of that.

Speaker 1: 52:53

So, with it being a new year, with it coming to the end, and this holiday season and all the other good stuff in between and bad stuff and everything else that's happening, I really would like for you to take away with the idea. I think the greatest one is that you create the desired reality. You are the one that if you want the joy in your life, you have to create it. If you want to live in continued unhappiness, you are contributing to it one way or another. And even if your intentions in what you're doing and how you're accomplishing things are good and are for helping others, the creation of your own demise is not, and you have to adjust that and you have to reevaluate that and that's something I really had.

Speaker 1: 53:41

I've learned through this, through this organization, through this process, because I've had to recognize that what cost am I willing to be the savior? At what cost am I willing to be the hero and at what cost am I willing to just be a human being and exist? And I've had to recognize that hero and savior are not any kind of price I want to pay, like I don't want to be in the department, but being a human being and being here, there's a lot to process, there's a lot to do, there's a lot to experience, there's a lot of cost to existing and I have yet to pay my dues. I have yet to say my thanks, I have yet to say my gratitudes and my greatness for the fact that I'm merely even existing and still continue to experience this experience. So, if you were still here at the end of this 2024 year, in this Christmas season and yes, you have experienced loss, yes, you've experienced desperate pain and demise of human life on a scale that we can't imagine At the same time, be very grateful that you are existing and getting to experience all of it, because that means that you are in a position to change and do something about it. It doesn't matter how big, it doesn't matter how small, it doesn't matter where, it doesn't matter when. Just the mere fact that you exist and have like that, that part, means that you have the capacity, the ability, the potential to create and change realities, not just your own, but all across the world, that moment, your mere existence.

Speaker 1: 55:32

So I want to leave you off with one more thing before I go, and I want to take you to our again reminder to call your road rager assistance for the 347. Start 347 if you need it. But I wanted to take you to our space right here and remind you to go to our website, check it out Thinking P-H-I-N-C-I-N-Gorg, thinkingorg Advocate, inform and educate. Let's all do it together. Let's become one, let's unite, let's create bridges where we see they're needed and with the resources we have, let's just do it. Let's hope out where we can, in the best way we can with the resources and capacities available to us. We want to thank everybody who has donated to our organization so far. This year we're actually going to be having a honor wall coming up and an honor page with a list of names and a list of humans in honor of those who they've made donations to our, to our organization, to be able to continue, advocate, inform and educate human beings on the importance of their existence and to help them find the resources that they need to continue that existence. So go check us out Again.

Speaker 1: 56:49

If you can make a donation, a dollar will help. If you can't make a donation, that's okay too. Just share it. Share with somebody else during this christmas season, this holiday season. They might be able to. You never know.

Speaker 1: 57:00

And I have no shame in asking anymore. Okay, look at this. Adela's grown up. I have been there is no shame. And because, again, I know my desire, I know my I, I know what I want out of it. Now it's not a mere hey, donate, help me out. I don't know what I'm doing with it. No, I know exactly where and what we got to do, how to do it, what we. It's just it took a while, but I figured it out and we're getting there. The way I want you to start to figure out how you're going to get there and how you're going to change your way, your life, your ways, is literally by changing the narrative and redefining it. Change the food that you're taking in. Change, change your diet, change your diet in your food, change your diet in your listening, change your diet in your speaking, change your diet in your life okay, in every aspect of it.

Speaker 1: 57:42

The one way that I started was through books. I love audiobooks, I love reading. I don't have the time to read all the time now anymore. I do have the time. I'm not making the time. However, I'm making time from one book, and one book only, and that's a book I must read every day and I'm God's helping me work through that too, but we're working on it, um, but I do listen to audiobooks, a lot of them, and here's a few of them where you guys can get started literally right away. You have two years, two more weeks, two years, two more weeks well, not two more weeks, but a week left in this year that you can literally start changing and making changes in your narrative and in your perspective and shifting. You can pause, you can shift, you can act on your life in a different form just by starting to listen to some audiobooks. So, on our Project Human if you go to our Project Human page on YouTube and subscribe, please, because that would be helpful Hit that subscribe button. You will find our books for change and I'll actually add the link into this podcast episode so you can click on that too. But books for change and in here you can start literally listening to audiobooks are free audiobooks.

Speaker 1: 58:54

I've bought the books after I've listened to them, like I've bought the books I have. About almost all of these books I've spent the money afterwards because I wanted to go back then and reread them and find notes and redo some things that you know in audio versions you don't necessarily are able to do. So I recommend you go take a look at um. Theage to be Disliked is a fantastic book. I actually bought three copies. I sent two copies out through a book thing that we were doing and there's another book to the Courage to be Happy. Both of them I've read, both of them I have copies of, and both of them fantastic, and they're books about a teacher and a student conversation and conversations about life and different perspectives and questions and how to look at something and just conversations really cool ways of doing that, and so I definitely encourage you to take a moment and listen to that. Okay, and just again, you will love it. I really believe you will love it and if not, you can tell me adela terrible, but take a chance on it.

Speaker 1: 59:59

The other one that changed my life is inner engineering by uh, sad guru, and this one is a is. I have listened to it three times now. I am about to be in the beginning of the new year re-listening to it, because there's always tidbits in there that I can relate to and find. Sadhguru has been a huge inspiration to me in his teachings, in his approach to life, in his spirituality, in his existence, and my deepest desire is to get to the level of peace and serenity that he has found in divinity. With that, and whether or not I achieve that, how I achieve that, I don't know yet, or maybe I have in my own way in some shape or form, and I need to continue to practice it and continue to dwell in that. But his teachings have absolutely changed my perspective, and so I encourage you to listen to that. One absolutely changed my, my perspective, and so I encourage you to listen to that one.

Speaker 1: 1:00:57

Even if you don't start with anything else, I really believe that inner engineering is is the one for you to start with, because it will talk about how, the way you're built inside, the reflection to the outside and reality and how it all interchanges and how it all interplays and the again, analogies and and and um uh, uh, I just lost the word. Metaphors there we go are are my way of being really able to associate and understand this life, and he does a really great job and his voice is so soothing. I genuinely hope one day I can get to that level of soothingness in that. So let me know if I am working on it as we move along the seasons in life, master your Emotions. It is a really great one. Short listen, a great little tidbit of information that you can learn about your emotions.

Speaker 1: 1:01:57

Meet your Happy Chemicals. I actually got the book. I have notes in this book. I have listened to this book three times because when I started to really understand my chemicals like what chemicals are in my brain and how they all work, and just in a human general brain and then apply it to myself and I understood where again, what my dopamine does for me, what my serotonin does for me and what the cola, what my cortisol does for me and how I need to play with them, and that they are characters of their own in my own head and that they need their own, like different diets and different form of treatment in order for me to function. It changed everything on how I started perceiving and existing in this life.

Speaker 1: 1:02:44

The Art of Thinking clearly is an extremely. I enjoyed this book quite a bit. To be honest, I've listened to it twice. I think I will re-listen to it again in the coming new year as one of my re-listens. Um, because it is. It has a different way of when you listen to it and it talks about how to think and how there's an art to thinking right, there's a there's, there's there's a process and there's a way to understand your thoughts. And for me, somebody who's a creative and who likes to draw up things about her life or herself and these ideas and how her brain works, it was really cool to see how I could creatively be able to use my brain and use the way I think and the way other people process and apply it to my life right, and to interchange it with how I am going to move forward. So, anyway, it was a really cool book. I think you should absolutely listen to it and it'll absolutely be a joy. The Power of Now was. I listened to it and, um, it'll absolutely be a joy. Uh, the power of now was. I listened to it about eight years ago. It was the first book that started to teach me about presence, like being in the moment, about being here.

Speaker 1: 1:04:08

There is a part in the book where, um, where Eckhart talks about like, actually does like a guided exercise with you and asks you to do some stuff. And I remember clearly his day, that day, because it was such a conscious like separation of reality and myself, and I remember I was cleaning the glass window and doing or glass, whatever I was cleaning and doing it, and I was listening to this while I was doing it. And I remember I was cleaning the glass window and doing or glass, whatever I was cleaning and doing it, and I was listening to this while I was doing it and I did it. I did this process and with my hand and I could see the air between my hand. I could see like the dimensional because I was focusing. It was a really cool, neat experience.

Speaker 1: 1:04:53

Excuse me, I think you should do it. I think you should listen. Excuse me, I think you should do it. I think you should listen to it because if you could do that and start to recognize your, your, your existence in this plane and this world and this physical space and this energy space and all. It's really really cool and how you start to connect your body and your mind. So I listened about eight years ago.

Speaker 1: 1:05:11

I think it's an extremely powerful book and his teachings are extremely, you know, powerful to this day because I still listen to his. He says morning uh, you know 15 minute little videos that you guys can go and find him too. So definitely that power of concentration awesome little audiobook again, short read uh, the power of your subconscious mind was really good it it. I learned quite a bit of that. So it is an older listen, so be patient with some of the way that they approach the narrative, but there's a lot of tidbits of lessons in there. Awakened Imagination is a great one too.

Speaker 1: 1:05:50

Training the Mind, healing the Body this one is insanely great. I have to actually get through a second part of it too, because it's quite complex and there's a lot of things to listen to, but it's awesome. Brain rules this was a fun one. Short and fun. Manipulation. Actually. This one I am still learning through, or reading through because of the person who is speaking it. I think there's an accent in there and there's multiple of them, so that one's a little bit hard to still get through. However, I have learned quite a bit of that information through this book, so if you're going to beat me through it, awesome.

Speaker 1: 1:06:35

And then there's a couple more ones in there. Alfred adler is somebody you will start to hear me talk about a lot because he is one of my teachers in this healing process that I'm going. He is one of the founding founders of psychology, but in a holistic approach and in a different, more logical um understanding of it, and so he's not really regarded as as much in the um collegiate level for for the work that he's done, but on a ground, human level, like he is my guy to go to. So I definitely recommend that. Um, the art of war obviously, if you haven't listened to that, it's a short one. It's really a good always a good lesson. Read communicate, the art of communicating. That was a good one too.

Speaker 1: 1:07:24

Um, chronic fatigue was a good book for me to listen to and read about, because um just understanding what it means to be overly exhausted and the what can play a role in the fatigue of your existence right too. That was insightful, just because now I learned that I need to rest more in different ways, not rest just sleep, but different ways of rest. So definitely listen to that. And then Atomic Habits, fantastic books. So, anyway, I want you to go through that. I do, I want you to.

Speaker 1: 1:07:57

My hope is for you to start listening to some of these, start seeing that, um, you have the capacity for change. It may take some time because you're learning yourself now and you are unlearning things and you're navigating ways that you may have may have not navigated before, and you know. I want you to recognize that that's okay and this year, this coming year, really recognize that you are worthy of walking these steps, putting these hours of education into yourself and into literally taking in food that feels, fuels and feeds your soul and your mind. Not just junk food, as we're talking about, like health in general right, not just junk food, but but actually taking in the food of the soul, the food of the mind. Um, you may need to change your music. Taste a bit and go on a search for that. I've had to.

Speaker 1: 1:08:58

The music I used to listen to that brought me so much joy or so much inspiration and motivation, really brings me on ease now, and I've had to find a new whole way of new. Music is my life. Music is my life, but I've had to find a whole new words. Music is my life but I've had to find a whole new words, new language and new way. Just new food of it, because the old food that I have I've lost interest in. And same thing for, you know, books oh, that's my doggy over there Distraction. Same thing for my books, same thing for conversations, same thing for the way I interact, like it just changed the way you feed yourself.

Speaker 1: 1:09:41

And if you want joy, if you want happiness, if you want to change the reality you live in, if you want structure, if you want peace, these are all words that you have to define what they mean to you. And stability, what does that mean to you? Is it just stability in your emotional space, in your mental and health? Is it financial stability? Is it family stability, home structure, like? What stability do you need? And once you start to recognize that, you can start working on that. But it always starts within you. What is it within you that's unstable? Because if you cannot, if you cannot recognize, always starts within you. What is it within you that's unstable?

Speaker 1: 1:10:15

Because if you cannot, if you cannot recognize the instability within you, and something that just popped in my head that I started telling my husband yesterday the instability will cause you to be an uncivilized being, and an uncivilized being is going to demonstrate his or her inability to communicate or interact with their social surroundings or their environment or their home, or any of that, in the appropriate way that they desire or we all desire, because, well, they're not civilized and they're not civilized within. There's some kind of turmoil that's happening, there's some kind of war within yourself that's happening, and then everybody else is a casualty. And one of the things yesterday that I recognized in my two-week span of being an uncivilized being was that I let my house go. Of course, let's be real moms, okay, moms and wives, and for those daddies and, you know, boys who do the girl jobs, kudos, congratulations. But let's be real mommies. If it's you don't do it, it doesn't get done.

Speaker 1: 1:11:25

And so things were everywhere, of course, and stuff was just everywhere. Not that I wasn't the cause of it either, I was a cause of it all too, and so I started. You know, laundry's all over the floor, gift wrapping things are everywhere, toys are everywhere. My just things are uncivilized. And so I walked in the room yesterday and I cleaned up my space and it came back to organization and civilized and that was the word that came out of my mouth.

Speaker 1: 1:11:51

I was like I feel civilized again, I feel like I can reenter society, I feel like I am a civil being. And my husband was like all because you cleaned your room, I said yes, and then I showed the bathroom and our closet and it was a disaster. Okay, it was a disaster and I was like that is what an uncivilized being lives like and this is what a civilized being lives like. I cannot live like an uncivilized being. So if I'm offending anybody please, it's not meant for any of you in any way. This is for me, and so I learned that my way, when I start to spiral and the way that I'm going to put myself back into check, is that when shit goes out of place everywhere, I'm uncivilized and I can't like it's just everywhere.

Speaker 1: 1:12:34

I need to get back to civil like. I need to be a civil being clean, organized, put together, structured, civil. Civil like. It just makes sense to me and if it doesn't make sense to you, I'm sorry, but it makes sense to me civil. So, as an uncivilized being for the last two weeks. Um, I did not like it, I was not, it was not nice, it was not, I did none of it. Um, now that I'm back into that and I'm civil and I feel good, everything is organized, everything's clean, things are put back together, I'm clean, it's all. Yay, um, joy, joy to the world, so you can do it.

Speaker 1: 1:13:14

My point is you can do it and it's okay to have those moments, it's okay to go through those spells, it's okay to be on the roller coaster, like that is literally what life is. And if you can make the roller coaster, if you want it to be a big roller coaster and crazy, like that's awesome. I am at a point where my body can't handle that. My neck hurts a little too much, my head, I get a headache, I get nauseous. There's just a lot of things happening in my old age. So I'd like my roller coaster to start kind of slowing down and being a little more of a wave, you know, and just a little bit of a, not too much, not too much acceleration, just enough. And and that's okay, like that's a, that's, that's good. And if you can find a constant, so that dip is a little bit okay, but that constant and and you can make it a, a good wave of it, yay, you're winning. You are winning. It's not perfect, life is not perfect, but if you can make it one day joyful at a time, more joyful than it was yesterday, a little better than it was yesterday, and just remind yourself that you're doing the best you can, it's all good. We're winning. So that's my message. I hope you enjoyed this episode. I hope that you enjoy, I hope you enjoyed the season.

Speaker 1: 1:14:25

Like I said, it has been a road to resilience for real, not just in it's, in my coming to it and doing it, but it's been a road to resilience in my whole life, in accepting my own being and accepting my humanity and understanding it and finding it like gosh, it was not there, I didn't even know it existed, I didn't even know what human meant. And now that I I do and I'm here, um, and, and and they're brought, brought to god, honestly, like, brought to that and reading, reading my, the bible now, and being reading the word on, and, like I said earlier, I understand now every trial and tribulation that's led me here and to literally not have a mark on me in my life, life to be so blessed and protected in all the ways. How can I be not be grateful, despite the pain I may feel, despite the tragedies that are happening, or despite all of that? I feel it, I am with it, I pray for the ending of it, but I'm also so, so, so, so grateful that I even get to experience it all, that I get to experience the joy of it all, the beauty of it all. So it's overwhelming, it's tremendous, it's wow, but it's fantastic.

Speaker 1: 1:15:50

I want you to know that you are like that too. As a being. You are fantastic, you are wonderful, you are overwhelming, you are greatness, you are just exuberance and energy that cannot be contained, should not be contained but must be tamed. Right, you don't have to contain it, but you must tame it. So I wish you nothing but the best of the holidays this season. I wish you joy and love and health and prosperity. I wish you peace, structure and stability, and I wish that you find your worth. I hope that through my words, through God's words, through your own understanding, intuition and your own belief, you see your own value. That's literally my wish for you. I love you so much. I thank you for following me. I thank you for loving me. I thank you for all of the great things that you've done this season this year and will continue to do.

Speaker 1: 1:17:02

Don't give up, okay? Do not give up. Do not give up. If you need any help, remember to reach out to 988. It is your go-to right now. Instant will be helpful. Somebody is there of service If you need immediate assistance, or is there of service if you need immediate assistance, of service. Or call 911 if you need immediate like immediate, immediate assistance. Um, or reach out to us and send us your story. Share with us where you're at and I will respond to you myself too, and we'll share our moments of where we're at. Because, remember, there's one thing we can relate on, no matter where we're at in the world, is that we're human beings and we all experience an emotion. We all experience this life together one way or another, in all different perspective, shapes and sizes, and and we should all be able to come together and share them in one way or another and understand that, again, as a human, we're all here to do that. So I love you, happy holidays, merry christmas and I will see you next week.