A Different Kind Of Anniversary

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Hello, friends. It's Adela. It's been a minute. I am I had a whole podcast that I would I had planned really structurally to do and a conversation to have with you, but today I am doing it off the cuff completely. Normally I do have my notes and I have a few things, but it's off the cuff. For those of you who are watching, you're seeing that my setup is a little bit different. I am bringing you into a little bit more of my personal space, something that I'm not usually comfortable with, but today marks a little bit of a different date. Day, date, all of it. Today is today's April 16th. It marks 33 years since the day that I was taken prisoner, since the day that my whole life turned upside down and into hell of absolute chaos. And you talk about hell hell for real. And it's actually the first day today that I can talk about it in almost a subjective way and looking at it from someone who has experienced understanding that I have experienced what I have, accepting it, and processing it in a conversation where emotion is almost put aside, even though I will cry and in some of my testimony that I'll share with you. But the emotion and the cry isn't for the loss or the grief anymore of what was, what could have been, um, what might have been, or or or even just the ifs, constant ifs. There is none of that for me anymore. And today really

Three Timelines Of A Life

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marks that beautiful day. Here's how it started for me to have gotten to where I am. So I'll share it with you in as as much of my truth and as comfortability as I can today, but also in a way that is as concise as I can make it. My story is complicated. My truth of what happened is complicated. I have three timelines that I live with. One of what happened to me that I remember myself, one of what actually happened based on the stories and the testimonies that I've been able to gather. And the third one that I created in order to survive. And those timelines have become realities for me. And they don't match, not even close. Identity crisis, dissociative amnesia, complex PTSD, we're talking complexity of an existence. All of that wrapped into a little human being that was forced to stop growing because of other humans' hands. So April 16th, 1993, I in my memory, a dear friend of ours came to the door running and said, Hey, they're here. And in my memory, when I opened the door, I opened the door, and I could have maybe my mom and I would open the door that way, or but I remember opening the door and she screaming, they're here, they're here. And I could see the village on fire. I could hear screams and gunfire. I could hear terror. And I could also, in the back of what was happening in that moment, see my father grabbing his things, getting things together, my mom getting into action, me not understanding what's going on, but I know something absolutely grave is happening. And it was six around 6 a.m. when it happened, April 16th, for us, or for me. And in my memory, my father had to leave. I'm telling you a short story that to me it happened in one day, but it happened over years and weeks and spans of time. In my memory, he grabbed his things, looked at my mom, gave her a kiss, and said, I have to go. And there was an understanding between them, like something in understanding, something I've something I've come to grasp really well today, that had he stayed with us, we would have all been dead. Who was attacking us? Who was coming for us, they would not have let us live. And that who in my time was jihad. It was Islamists, the extremist of it. They came,

The Morning The Village Burned

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they murdered, they tortured, they burnt everything down. And that happened to me. And that all to me happened on one day, right? April 16th. That was all I remember that way. My story is a lot deeper and a lot more complicated than that one, than that moment and this date. And so they came in, or my dad left. He's walked out the door, he's left, and we're there grabbing our stuff. Mom's telling me to grab what I can. We're grabbing, we're doing. And the next thing I know is that men in these black, fatigue-like, uniform-looking um clothing came through. Guns all on them, masked up. You could see there's ammo. I could see a grenade. I know what a grenade looked like. I had spent some time around my father, who was in the military at the time, too, and my family members and others. I mean, that was just part of part of our culture. And that image of them barging and breaking the door and taking us and grabbing us, walking us down this path, pointing guns at us, yelling, where is he? Where is he? Because at the time they were looking for my father. And throwing us in a cell. I remember when they did that and put us in there. I walked over to this corner. And in this corner, there was a little armoire, or a little, I don't know what you guys would call we call it Armoire, Armoire. And I remember that that was there. And I sat next to it, and on the other side of where I was at was a ledge, and my mom was there, my sisters, and a lot of our village humans who had been captured at the same time there. And they pointed guns at her, screaming at her, yelling at her, threatening my sisters, grabbing them by their legs, knife at their throat, guns at their heads. And I remember hearing a caulk so hard, just like the caulking of the gun. And in my mind, I was five years old. And in my mind, all I could think and remember was I cannot and will not survive with my sisters if they kill my mom. I will not be able to. I can't take care of them. I can't feed them. I can't do anything. And I, in that thought, in that conversation, I jumped up from my little corner and jumped in front of the gun and said, take me, not her. I remember that. I do remember that very vividly. And my mom has confirmed it, and so have others that I've spoken to about that story. That is something that I carry with me because I can't process that I did do that. I can't, I can't. As an adult today, I can't process that a child would have enough courage, bravery, whatever it might be, to stand in front of a gun and say, hey, take me instead of her, or to have even enough consciousness or or or logical thought that I would not be able to take care of them, that I would not be able to do anything. And uh to me, now that I see it, it was God's divine intervention that I knew I was gonna be okay. And I was. And I remember stepping in front of it, telling him that. Of course, that shook him. And then a hand had come by and pulled the gun down, and then they had walked out. And the next moment that I remember again, this is all April 16th to me. This is all one day of memories and trauma that I've had to decipher, that I've had to break through and work through and navigate and put through in puzzle pieces to make it make sense and to define the narrative that I can live with and redefine some things that don't make sense. And the next thing I know is that my grandparents are there, my uncle is there, there is a big fight, there's a shooting, there's screaming, there's my mom being taken out, there's my grandfather being taken out, then there's the Red Cross and Blue Shields coming, and we're supposed to be saved, and those are the things, but then we're not to get on the bus. And then there's being put into a wall and saved by the same hands that had just tortured you and tried to kill you. Again, I'm speaking very way vaguely of my story,

Take Me Instead Of Her

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of all the details, because it's hard for me to still process and understand. And the reason I'm giving you the vague story behind of what happened to me that way is because those were my childhood memories that I remembered. That is what happened to me on that day. And in my little mind, that day had become so much because it wasn't just that day. Those instances happened over a course of weeks that I was in prison and times and months of terror, uh, even after prison. And but my mind, my little mind could not grasp the concept of that, right? So it just deleted everything. It was like, nope, can't do that. And I remember sitting in in the prison and going, I can't be here. This is too much. This is absolutely too much. And I walked across the concrete cell, across that room, and walked over to a wall, and I flipped the switch. The next thing I know is I am out in the field. I am in flowers, I am in this amazingly beautiful field with this blue dress on that I have. And I'm older, but I have this blue, little light blue dress with this laced collar on, my hair is a little bit shorter, and I am prancing with the freedom of mountains behind me, wildflowers all around me, and that joy of feeling sunlight and and feeling freedom was what I lived with through my whole captivity and through my even growing up and having to readjust to a new culture, new country, new customs, my life that it is now. It that has been my, that is where I've lived. That is who I know I am. And that girl, that little girl. That's not really the truth of her. It is an idea of hope. It is an idea that I could eventually maybe one day be free. That maybe one day I would be able to be in a field of flowers in a space and that I could frolic and and jump around and be a bird and do all of these things. 33 years later, I'm realizing that through that trauma, through all of that, I'm in a space where I am frolicking like a bird. Today, April 16th, I mark it as a renewal day. I took time to walk through my through my years of trauma. I did in 2023, 2024, I decided to take one whole year of walking through it. And I'll share more about that and as I move as I navigate this. But today marks the day of that renewal. And I'm sharing this because I want to share how God has played a role in every bit of these moments and how today he reminded me literally as I was writing out my moments, that at the age of five, there was a moment in which, right before the war, I was, I really was visited by him. And he came down and he said to me, Trust me, it will be okay. Now, to me, this memory is like a dream because it just, again, nothing in my life seems to be real, but it was like a dream. And the moon was so big and bright and so beautiful, you could almost touch it. And as I sat there watching the moon, watching this just this beautiful light engulf me, this peace washed over me. And as if on cue, I had like a turn to my left, and there's a family cemetery we have, and there was these two aura-like auras, is

The Mind’s Escape Into Flowers

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the only way I can describe it, standing there over two graves, holding hands, and everything in me was at peace. It was, and as clear as day as I could I could absolutely muster to say, he said, trust me, it will be okay. And then about a week or so later, in that time frame, my whole life again turned upside down. April 16th became a day of hell, and a day that I dreaded up until literally this year. The day I my body would repel against my senses, my memory, my taste. I couldn't understand how I would smell something and I can't put it into where I smell burnt flesh because my mind can't remember. Or, or, or the the smell of blood that I will walk by and I'll just just smell it, smell copper irony, like smell this wet, sweet, just smell stuff that I don't understand. And it took me a while to really walk through that. Because again, I decided as somehow, some way, our mind, our minds are so powerful. And and when we have faith, it really does combine into your protection, the divine intervention of him coming down. And when I jumped in front of the gun and said, Hey, I take me instead of her, because she, well, in my mind, it was logical and reasonable that that would be, and they walked away without anything. And when when they gave us, gave my mom the option of take these pills or and and not wake up tomorrow or or live through another day of hell, whether or not, not knowing whether when we take you out of this cell and away from your children, and we make you walk into homes and on fields full of mind-field minds and hope that you don't get blown up and hope for your own self that you get to see your children, that you get to be there. And then whoever knows what happens to your children in the prison cell, you know, when they would give you these options of like in those moments, death is seems like the only option. And and when they gave those choices to her, the clarity that had come to me was literally like I it was not me. I jumped in front of it, the gun, and said no. I stopped her and said, God's gonna save us for like he's got a bigger purpose for us. I just know it. Trust him, trust him. And when we were saved, and when we made it to America, and when we were here, my mom said, Adela, when we landed in JFK, you told me I knew God had a reason. I told you, trust us, it'll be okay. Saved us for a reason. I can't like the child in me that is so alive that presents itself in everything that I do. I can't believe that I've held on to an innocence

Faith, Signs, And Surviving The Date

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after so much of absolute tragedy. And to look at life and to look at my life today, I am growing flowers and plants. He said, I gave you the dearth to grow right here. I gave you everything, and you're not doing anything with it, Adela. And I did, and I am, and again, today, 33 years later, I have looked at myself, I have acknowledged myself, I have accepted it, I have given myself and who I am to my God, and he has rewarded me with so much peace within, so much structure, so much solid existence that, like, I it's proof I'm keeping plants alive, you guys. That is not something I could I I tried for the last five years to grow something to keep it alive. This year, I am, it is alive. And this room I'm sitting in right now, through my research of trying to discover who I am and my story, I found out that I bought the layout of almost the layout of the prison cell that we were held in. And to be sitting right here in this little corner, in the way it was, except for a little, little window on the top, not this big window, but a little window on the top for light and to hear sound because it was in a basement, to see that I did in a bench where it's at right now, and the door where it's at, and the everything, and for me to have rewrote it, redefined it, not allowed it to continue to mar me and scar me. I don't know how I did that, other than I truly, truly believed, and still believe obviously, but that I was worth the effort of this life. I was worth this breath.

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And so many who had given up their lives for me when they didn't even know me, when they didn't have to, for me to live and for me to be here, for me to grow, for me to create, for me to multiply and cultivate.

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Like that is the gift, and I am so grateful, especially today, that today marks year 33, in which I will, I did my rebirth. I did a whole thing where I shaved my head to talk about I'm gonna be, I'm reborn, and it was great, but today truly with all my like all that's of me in any ex any form, I get to say my war, my tragedy, absolutely does not define who I am today. It has helped cultivate, it has helped create it, but I have taken on the decision to define it, and I've decided that all of it, despite the pain, heartache, and I promise you, I there's a lot, like this tidbit so much so a lot. Like I found my own prisoners, the people who held me prisoner, to find them on social media and on Facebook, to be able to look at the human and see them and go, wow, you did this to me, you you did this to me, and for me to look at them and the only word to come to my mind is redemption, redemption, and it isn't the redemption of their soul, of your soul, or any it's mine. I want the redemption from me. I want to know that I'm not the worst human being on this planet. I want to know that what the world has done to me, I am not. I may be sharp, I may be strict and disciplined in things, and I may have a way of speaking in a truth that might not, somebody might not like and might get offended, but I am not an evil being. I am not someone who will be a knife in someone's hands. And that doesn't mean that I wasn't in the past, that doesn't mean that I did not do things, say things that have hurt that have created so much chaos. But today as I'm sitting here and reflecting and having this moment and God is showing me what He has given me, my grass is green in my backyard and I four years ago it was dirt.

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I have flowers, I have roses,

Rebuilding A Life With New Roots

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I have fruits, I have an avocado tree, I have plants that are growing that are joyful to be in my home.

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It may not seem like it's a lot again what I know a reality to be and what I have already experienced, I will look today now as an absolute day of celebration and celebrating that it may have taken me 33 years to come to this moment of absolute acceptance acknowledgement and actual narrative for my own today not of the past the details don't matter but it matters that I'm here I am so grateful and I'm so thankful. I'm living I am living and glory to God for that when I think that I walked away without a scar you guys literally even even my mind is not scarred. Yes I don't have memories yes I have nightmares and PTSD and yes my body remembers and and yes there is parts of me that still like all of those things they're in an essence scars.

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Yes they are parts of me they will be there but when I look at it I have no scar on my own physical being and in my heart or in my soul that has been left because in the worst of my times I don't remember it in in and in the worst of things God literally was like it's not for you your soul is not meant to know that experience it and to think I spent 20 something odd years chasing the experience of hell I want to know I need to know I gotta figure it out to now going it doesn't matter the details of my story don't matter at all.

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What does matter is today and what does matter is how I speak today and how I behave today and how I act today and how I move forward today. It does matter that I am not what I used to be. It does matter that I have been given and blessed this opportunity again to have a breath to have life to be able to exhale and do what it is that I desire to do. And even in my moments of grief I know that the joy that I experience and here like that grief is just a passing moment. Even if that passing moment happens to be terror or or or happens to be years of terror and and and the thought of all that you've lost I know it sounds again compared to what people are going through right now and where everything is in the world and all of that I I know that firsthand I I I absolutely know and I cannot explain to you this side I can't explain it. I can't the Adela you know and the Adela is today like I cannot explain to you this other than show you show you the greener result of my life and it really as I'm as I was sitting here doing my cards today putting things together like I said I was going to record a specific podcast to do this moment I couldn't even focus other than on the gratitude and to look back on my life and to reflect back on today today of all days of how far I've come in days that I would dread in months that I would forget in moments of anxiety and anger and anxiousness and everything to today having a conversation with you about it today. I said today a thousand times and that's okay because it is an important day for me. Anyway the tears are not tears of grief at all they're the tears of joy tears of gratitude and of the fact that I actually did listen and I'm not we as human beings are not I know that there are those who do terrible things I have experienced them firsthand. I know them but majority of us are not those things we are not the evil we are not the negative we are not what this world or what this system or what someone else's idea has deemed for human society and humans to be. We're not but in order for us to be able to get past the we're not we actually have to look at ourselves and see ourselves for who we are. And I have made mistakes

Redemption, Boundaries, And Self-Control

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and I have done my stuff but I know the devil I live with and I refuse to let that devil out in any shape or form any longer. That doesn't mean that she won't escape here and there. But it means that I know that I'm worth the effort of fighting it. I'm worth the effort of living in truth and in peace and in joy and in kindness and in a different space that is not again the fighting we're not meant to fight all the time we're not meant to fight we're just not and I will stand wholeheartedly on that as as children of God our true essence is to love each other our true essence is to be kind to each other and to not this world and the and and of course the evil forces of the world allow our ego to move us in a way and in shape and form that we might not like. So the thing I've learned through my process of accepting acknowledging becoming accountable and responsible for my existence is that the only thing I need to get to know the most and the best in this world is myself. I have to be completely aware of what triggers me to whatever length that it might be an outburst or it might be a negative effect to society because we're not that part of discipline and part of healing is knowing that you don't just because it happened to you and just because you do you could be justified sure and justified in revenge and vengeance and just because it happened to you does not mean it is right for you to be what was what what was happened to you for you to act or for you to hurt back it we're not excusing what happened we're not forgetting what happened but we are refusing I am refusing to be my own downfall I am refusing to allow a narrative of a world that's my dog a narrative of a world to tell me or a narrative of my own past and the narrative of my mind to tell me I'm not worth the effort of this life to tell me I'm not worth love and kindness and compassion and peace and joy I refuse that within me and when you do that you have the ability then to refuse it from those around you setting boundaries creating pathways and systems that work for you and being able to come to a moment and recognize that the day of your trauma sometimes can turn into a healing moment that you can go back and look at look at how far I've come the resilience it took for me to walk this path the absolute commitment I had to have to myself and faith to him to walk it alone until he provided those that I needed to walk with it's absolutely I'm in awe today and and mind boggling of an experience again I can't explain of where I'm at other than I I I I am so fueled engulfed and fed by and surrounded by his love because I should not be here today and I am so without further crying and ado I want to thank you because you have been a support just because you've let me and not that you had a choice because I was gonna do it regardless talk and walk through and be a sounding board in my process of trying to understand and find my own healing and redefine my narrative and advocate for myself inform myself educate myself create the artist that I want to be and creator I want to be in this world you have helped me do that. And utilizing this platform that I've created through Project Human this podcast The Artists within the the just the actual essence of we are humans and we are navigating and you are okay to make mistakes especially in this day and age of social media and you are okay to grow and you are okay to share it back and forth and give that input and also be able to turn off the world and let the world judge you for what you are or where you're at whatever it is and not be impacted by that because your 40 inches is so solid. And I did that and you taught me that you did teach me that in so many ways every single human who has come into my life who has been there for a moment a season a time a space a place or forever you truly taught me what it means to put up my boundaries how to be a good human being what I want out of this life and what I want out of relationships

Make Your Hard Date A Renewal

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what I want out of a community what I want out of this space and how to not truly in all due respect care for what anyone thinks other than how I am living my life and what is what is the consequence of what I'm doing and my consequences right now again proof in just the fact that my plants are alive all of them and my orchids I mean come on I want you to give yourself that credit this is it I really want you to look at your moment today too and in or look at your moment in a in a space where you have a hard day coming up you have a hard date coming up a hard moment of your time and space that you sometimes dread look at it and look at it from the point of how far, how many years it took you of stumbling, how many tries it took you of coming getting there, how many breaths it took you to keep afloat and you're still afloat. Mark that moment and that day as a renewal as a moment that no matter what you will have an anchor now that is light, that is joy that is not negative. And for me to come to that moment for today to be an anchor of goodness for me an anchor of a new start to a whole new joyful moment of my life and peace and structure and everything that I've ever dreamed and begged and hoped for and prayed for and I did it. I created it with my hands by showing up every single day despite not wanting to live despite not wanting to live God literally was like my light is in you and you are living and you are living to the fullest and in order to do that you have to create Adella create your backyard and the and and the flowers and the and and the and the Garden of Eden you desire. Create the living room of your dreams create the kitchen of your space again it's not about the abundance of our money and the resources create with what you have in the space and time that is available to you and I promise the abundance comes and and and I'm proof today that that is truth. So yeah that's my um that's my spiel for you today it's it's just it's a good space to be in it's a good place to recognize and I wanted to honor today in a different way and not it because it's different and I feel it and I wanted to share it in the moment. So I hope that you found some use out of this I hope that you can see that again my story details don't matter and it doesn't matter what the actual why of anything that happened is it matters of the why you do today and how you do today. So I hope that you take your why today and know that your why is because you're worth the effort of this life you're worth breath how you do that and how you make that valuable for you is up to you. Pause in your moment shift your perspective and act accordingly that's my PSA. Until next time thank you guys so much for the love and support don't forget to like download subscribe do all the good things you have been such a blessing in everything I've done and who I am so I love you spread the love spread the joy and I'll talk to you in just a little while