A New Lens On Wellness

SPEAKER_04 0:07

Hello, darlings. Welcome back to the Artist Within Podcast. I am your host, Adela Hittel. This podcast is produced by Project Human. Think a new way to think about mental and emotional health. And really, we're going to be changing that a little bit because it's not just about it. It is about a new way to think about the human experience. It really is that. It evolved from mental and emotional health from the struggle to the victories to the triumphs to the falls. And then you realize that's literally the human experience. And as we've been building this podcast and developing our artists within and working on navigating things, I've come to the realization that uh mental and emotional health are literally the part of our existence. They're not an outside, they're not an extreme. They're, of course, there's extremes, but they're not something that's not an existent in us. They're not things that just they're part of us. And we have to learn how to navigate it. We have to create our realities. We have to be the ones to really learn and understand ourselves. And then we have to come to a point where we realize, hi, it's me, I'm the problem, it's me. And I'm gonna have to fix it. And I'm so excited to talk to you guys about our next guest because that's one of the things that we've talked about so much, so much, so much over these last couple of years. Um, and the amount of back, hi, it's me, I'm the problem, it's me, that we've gone back and forth. It's it's it's amazing. And why I'm so excited about this next guest is because for those of you who know, I don't have friends. I don't deal with friendships, none of that. Those that doesn't work for me. Used to have friends, stabbing in the back, thousand chokeholts. I don't play that game. So I started looking for partnerships. I started looking for humans in my life that would be willing to be a part of my ups, downs, ins, and outs, and would be willing to reciprocate in the same way that I give, right? So if I'm a giver, I want them to be givers, not just receivers. And sometimes you have to be the first one to step up and give. And in order for you to be able to receive the benefit of that partnership. That's been my pleasure over these last couple of years because many humans in my life have decided that I wasn't worth the effort of that either, that I wasn't worth the conversation, that I wasn't worth my own dreams, my own um ambitions, and that I wasn't worth the time to think that I was worth it, right? Like to create my boundaries, to become something better than I thought I was. And having humans in my life who do that for me, whether it's through, hey, I, you might be crazy, but being honest in that crazy and going, but I still support you. Hey, you know what, Adela? I don't even know, but I am willing, so I'm there, I'm showing up. That level of commitment to a human, to the experience, uh taught me genuinely that partnerships are there for a reason. It's not just your mimosa and your spa day and these moments, which nothing to that. You guys, your night's out, have a great one. Awesome for you. Um, but what is more meaningful? What is deeper for you? How are you doing life with humans? What is your partnership like? What is this level of experience that you're gonna have that's so much deeper that no one has to know about it because they don't talk about it? Uh you will learn today, but it is a really amazing privilege to know what's on the other side of shallowness, what's on the other side of just superficialness, and that there is depth, there is connection, there is truth and honesty and cries and happiness and dreaming and potential and all of that in between because you created partnerships. So I'm really looking forward to this episode. I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't know what we're gonna talk about. I have my views, I have my wings, but when we get together, it is a fun, fun time. But before right at before I right get into that, oh hey, my recording started. I need to pause that. There we go. Um, where is that thing? Oh, that's okay. It's my Zoom. It's okay, you guys. My Zoom just started. It's none of that. It's my Zoom started recording. I'll I'll pause that in a minute because Zoom does that. Zoom does that for me for everything because I'll forget to do it over here. So anyway, that's not the point. Anyway, you'll hear that recording in progress later. Back to my look at me working myself back to my point. Before I get into the conversation, before I get into it with your humans, um, I want to first and foremost say thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I don't know why you listen to me. I don't know why you come back, but I so appreciate that you do. We have reached almost 1,400 downloads this year uh through just your shares and the stories we've been able to provide to you, the voices we've shared with you. So if you've enjoyed the voices, if you've enjoyed the stories, and if you've enjoyed learning and coming along on the ride of Project Human, myself, and now the podcast and everything else in between, please hit the subscribe button on our YouTube channel and or download our podcast and subscribe to that, all of the things that we have going on in there, all of that helps us get seen, helps us get our voices out more. And on top of that, it gives an opportunity to maybe, maybe, maybe have you on too. Part of what we do with the podcast is to be able to share voices and stories that are inspiring, that are that are literally in the like trenches, but are finding ways out and finding that fighting spirit within themselves. Um, so again, thank you so much. Thank you for the downloads, thank you for the support, thank you for sharing, thank you for letting us come into 64 countries. It's insane. Like the what we've been able to do is is is astonishing to me, all because we have faith that we're worth the effort and walking that path. Um, and and for me, that has been my own testimony my whole my whole life now, and God has definitely proved his his his worth in my life, um, that I have no questions about it. Uh and

Partnerships Over Performative Friendships

SPEAKER_04 5:35

and this next guest, as I will mention to you, is one of them who has been proven to be a worthy partner in life. And I can't wait to hear for you guys to hear her story. So let me introduce you to her first with her bio. Um, so Yolanda Curtis, as you guys know. Uh, I've spoken about her just here and there, and I've spoken to those who you know how I called her my soul sister, you know, over a decade ago. I walked up to her, I said, Hey, you're my soul sister at school. She thought I was a little crazy. I mean, everybody does it first, but I'm right, always right at the end. And here we are now, over a decade later, just this is an immense partnership that again, I love, I love, I love absolutely. Uh, Yolanda Curtis is a faith-centered creative. Uh, she is in hair and makeup artists, she is a photographer, she's a chef, so many um gifts that she has and that she offers to the community. And she's also a dedicated member of our Project Human team and my creative team on everything that I do. She's based in Georgia, but travels out to Jacksonville. That's how much she likes me, you guys. Travels out to Jacksonville and she studied at the Aveda Institute of Jacksonville, that's where we both graduated from. And she expresses her creativity through beauty, artistry, uh, and many, many meaningful services to others. She really has a heart of gold, even though she might not think of that. Her life has been shaped by her relationship primarily with Jesus Christ, which is where our relationship had grown in through. We're really in that faith-based, um, and her family and the people she has intentionally chosen to walk alongside her. She's endured difficult seasons without allowing them to defeat her. And she brings a powerful testimony of resilience, faith, and discovering strengths she did not always realize she possessed. Today she stands solid on her foundation and she uses her experiences to remind her and others that help, hope, and healing can still be found, even if they feel out of reach. So let's get into it. Hi, love. Let me just fix this Zoom moment thing because my AI is deciding to be on it, and we don't need AI to be part of this conversation right now. So bear with me. We're gonna remove. No, we don't need it. We don't need it. It's just silly, and you know, recording stopped. There we go. So that's done now. Now that we're looking. Again, here's the thing, guys. For those of you who want to apply to be my producer, so none of these technical difficulties happen and things always work out. Please do. I'm still accepting applications. If you can't tell, I'm awesome, but we could be better. I'm just saying. That's all I'm saying. I'm always saying that. I'm great, awesome, but I could be better. Help me be better. Hi, anyway. Hi, guys. This is Yolanda. And she is I am so excited to have her on um and be a part of this, part of what we're doing. Um sorry, can't talk right now. My husband's calling. Why is everything just interrupting all of this right now? Like literally like you guys get to come into our conversation. This is literally her daily life on. And she finally got on to be uh a guest on the podcast, but this is like a daily life daily life. We get together, we talk, and then everything's falling apart left and right. And then we're going, Oh my god, can we get through today? And oh my god, my God answers, and we can. And so it happens. Uh, anyway, welcome to the podcast officially, Yolanda. You've been part of this whole process, you know, learning it, knowing it, all kinds of stuff. And now you're officially in the hot seat. So welcome. And yeah, but tell everyone who you are a little bit. Um, I gave a little brief intro based on what I think.

SPEAKER_02 8:59

Wow, your intro was so nice. I was like, dang, hello.

SPEAKER_04 9:03

You know, again, I do see decent job of stuff. Um so yeah, so what did I miss in the intro as far as just that base of who you are as a creator? Because there's so much to it. But who are you? Who's Yolanda Curtis? And um, how did she happen to get to be right here right now?

SPEAKER_02 9:20

Yeah, so I think I mean you were pretty on point. I am definitely uh a creative who was made by a greater creator for sure. And I I find beauty in art for sure. I find beauty in the conversations for sure. Um I'm a little weird and I'm fine with that. Um I I'm a mom, I'm a wife, I'm a sister, I'm a daughter. Um I'm a partner. I uh I don't

Why Subscribes And Shares Matter

SPEAKER_02 9:55

know. I bios are so weird to me personally. I I'll I'm on I'm neurodivergent. Um so I think also it's hard for me to describe who I am because I'm ever changing, like I'm ever growing, I'm constantly being refined. So I who I am today is definitely not who I used to be, but it's definitely not who I probably will be in a few days, even. You know, it's so funny to think that way, but um the stable pieces of who I am is I I am I am a I am a child of God, I am on fire for the Lord. Um people don't have to agree with that, that's totally fine. Uh, I love you anyway. That's just the end of it. Um you might not like it and well, that's just tough. That's just tough. You don't have to be in it. Um but I my decision making is refined before I make them now. Like in the past, I did you wouldn't like me in my past, okay?

SPEAKER_04 11:01

I was well let's let me ask you a question then. When you would like to Yeah, well, let me ask you a question. Then when you think about who you are today, right? Because like I I tell people all the time, you wouldn't like me in the past. So even this morning was like, I know the you don't understand the vileness in the creature I know. Like, I the ones that knew that creature, I apologize deeply so sincerely. Like, forgiveness is asked for. You don't have to, but forgiveness is asked for. However, karma, today I'm not that person, uh, not that being at all. But there's still parts of that. So when you think of who you are today as a human being, what parts of your life story potentially, like one or two, let me ask you for one or two parts of your life story that were key moments that you feel like have transformed you into who you are today.

SPEAKER_02 11:48

Uh 100% my marriage. Uh it was very, very volatile and rocky. Uh, we got married very, very young, uh, made a lot of mistakes. Um, didn't know how to deal with that. Uh, came out on the other side, and we're stronger than ever for sure, but um, we shouldn't have made it.

Introducing Yolanda Curtis

SPEAKER_02 12:10

Um, but going through a lot of those hardships taught me a lot about what I was willing to take and what I will wasn't willing to take. And I had to figure out why I was willing to take so much. Like, and I and it brought me back to like the way I grew up and on all these other things. And um as much as I detest that part of my life, I wouldn't trade it for anything because I learned so much through it. I've helped so many because of it. Um and the advice I would give now, even though it's it's apparent on any in anybody, any particular person situation. But I would never tell someone that was in my position back then to stay. You know, um, that is that is not there's a lot of growth that has to happen for you to get to that point. Um so definitely that, and definitely being a mother, definitely being a mother. Um understanding what that looks like, how hard that can be, how challenging that can be. Um, being a child raising children was difficult. Um, and not understanding how to process my own emotions, my own mental um shortcomings, my own physical shortcomings, um, the way I was raised versus the way I wanted to raise my children, and having to really realize some of that volatile nature, I had control over it. So I didn't have to imprint that on my kids if I didn't want to. Um, and learning how to navigate all that. So, again, all of those things in the grand scheme of all of the little things that the big things are, um really did help shape the person I am today. Um, and people go, well, if you go back, would you change anything? Like you could go back and change one thing, what would it be? And I'm like, honestly, I wouldn't, I wouldn't never change anything because I really I think I struggle like most human beings do with self-love and things like that. But I love who I am so much more than who I was back then for sure. And the idea of that is just non-existent anymore. Like I I I'm happy with who I am. I'm I'm truly I'm truly blessed. And so the only thing that I can say is like if I could go back and tell myself something, it would be to surrender to the Lord quicker. That was pretty much it. That's really it. And and and that's because that's it changes your life.

SPEAKER_04 14:46

It just changes your life, yeah. It changes your life. It changes your life. There's no other thing other than it just changes your life. Yeah, it changes your life.

SPEAKER_02 14:53

Um I mean, I'm still weird, I still love food, I still, you know, I'm still 12, still tell bark jokes, all this stuff, but like I'm serious about who you are, how I want my life and how I want my eternity to look. Yeah. It's just you have to be serious about something.

SPEAKER_04 15:13

Might as well be serious about yourself and about this life you have and the experience that you have here. Um, you you said that um I want to hit back on on a little bit on your marriage topic because you and I have talked about this in person and privately, and we know how many humans suffer in their relationships, whether that's marriage or partnerships, friendships, whatever ship you want to call and and and put on. Um, but specifically in marriage, like I didn't have the same experiences as you did, right? But that doesn't mean we didn't have our struggles. We didn't have the struggles of not being able to communicate, not ha not understanding each other, having to learn how to grow together. Like all of those were part of that. Um but we didn't experience what you did. And I don't want to be the f I want you to, you know, say that. Um, but your I look at that and I look at what you did and your ability and your love and your strength won like you say you, you know, you kind of wish you surrendered earlier to God, but it to me in those moments when you had to like take ownership of what that was, whether or not you saw the fruition of it, whether or not like until now, you know, because that's years and years later. But for the stories you told me, I want you to, if you're okay with it, I want you to tell like that one particular story in the car, like that one of you can't have him. And the reason why I if it's okay with you, um the reason why I I'm an open book, I didn't care about it. But but the reason why I want uh like and and and kind of how like led to that moment, the reason why I want to do that is because you fought for him. Like you fought for something, you fought for for a marriage, you fought for a life. When in this day and age now, it is so easy to say, I'm not fighting for this, and I'm not fighting for you. I'm not like you're not worth the effort of this fight, right? Like, you're not worth the effort of my suffering while you're suffering. Like, I'm not like none of this is worth like me suffering because you're suffering. So, like that to me is so prevalent in today's age age when I talk to and I see humans, and I'm like, you can't handle a little suffering. And then I think of your story, or I think of you know, my mother's story or other women's stories. And I'm like, the suffering you endured because of the love you had and the fight you wanted to

Identity, Creativity, And Neurodivergence

SPEAKER_04 17:30

and you believed. And I mean, I know there's way more like, but when you look at it in retrospect, that's to me what it was.

SPEAKER_02 17:39

Well, I think in honesty, it was for sure. Like I in that moment, I still loved him with all my heart. Um, however, I was also selfish. Let me just be very clear about that. Um, because I wanted what I wanted, I wanted my marriage. Like, um, and at some point you have to realize what is your what is your position in this situation scenario, right? Not saying that I asked for any of it, not saying that I wasn't deserved of any of the things and all the stuff. However, was I really loving him, right? I wasn't having the hard conversations. We weren't doing the it was just fighting and and and just explosive nature and just all the things. Um and then one time closer to the end of all of the, and just in case anybody isn't aware, there was infidelity, just in case you're you haven't picked that up yet. I'm just gonna put it out there because my ADHD would still be waiting for the I was gonna say it, but I took a set.

SPEAKER_04 18:37

I'm not gonna say it that's not my story to tell.

SPEAKER_02 18:39

It's it's fine. I it's a story I've told many, many times. So um there was one particular time where everything was close to the end, like the end of all of all of it. Like it was gonna be stopping. I wasn't aware in that moment that that was the case, right? And mind you, back then, I mean, I I've I've never not had faith. Never. I cannot think of a time, I cannot think of any, I've never been alone. However, if I have to be honest, well, I do need to be honest, but you know what I mean. I in that moment was not as fully surrendered as I am now. In that moment, my husband was an idol in my life. I put him before everything. I put him before myself, my children, God, my parents, my sister, like everything, everything, me to the point like me eating, right? Like I put him, it was not healthy. Um and he had he he had made quite a few mistakes. And um, there's this one time where who I am got the best of me, and I just started breaking stuff. I did. I I broke a tablet, I I broke, I think I broke his phone, I I was just sick and tired of all of the things leading him into stuff, right? And he was getting mad and he was saying all these things. And when I tell you, I like I grabbed him, like I grabbed his shirt, like I physically like just and I threw him into the driver's seat of the vehicle we were by. And I just started yelling at him. And I'll be honest with you, I don't even know what I said, but I know the last thing I said. I said, I am sick and tired of this, I am done. The devil cannot take you, you're mine. I'm done. And that was just the end of it. Um now there were still some things that had happened, right? After that, and and the story of when we finally got to the struggle isn't over when you it's not over, but that was a big he remembers that to this day. Like of all the things that he remembers, he remembers that. Um because in that moment, I think like if I would have had, if you could have said I had flames in my eyes, I probably did. Like I was so angry, but I also loved him so much. Um, and at that point, there was about to be a time of reflection on myself where I had to let him go. I had to. Um because I allowed him to take over parts of my life that were unhealthy. Like I that was me. That was I did that. He he didn't do that, he didn't demand it, he none of that. I I did that because I was raised kind of that way to like, you know, the people you love, the people you care about, you show up and you constantly

Marriage And Motherhood As Turning Points

SPEAKER_02 21:40

show up. Like you, we are loyal people, we're loyal, we're loyal, we're loyal. And it's kind of like to which point though?

SPEAKER_04 21:48

Yeah, there's a song called Loyalty Cost. Loyalty cost me more than love ever did. I could love you, but loyalty man.

SPEAKER_02 21:56

So, like, what does that where does that really do? get you. And so at some point the Lord was like, hey, you can walk away. And so I was gonna. And then he started working on my husband because I let go. I said, I finally said, I'm not trying to fix him. I'm not trying to make him better or whatever. And then again, that's a neurodivergency in me that's like, fix, fix, fix, you know, show up, be there, do the things, da-da-da-da-da. And it's like, stop. People please, including Yeah, like let me do my job, type of you back off.

SPEAKER_04 22:29

Yeah. So like when I look at look at that story, like I said, the way I see it is someone like because I look at the human in the capacity of what I see the passion and the love for someone else and like I'm not letting this go. And like I love this, right? What I wanted you to bring up was the part where you basically made him your worship. Because I think we in relationships do that, whether that's our husband or our wife or something like that, we become so so enamored and so like if so engulfed in the other human being that that other human being then is required to like live and expect and breathe whatever it is that we want and it's on like and then we become so deeply selfish. And you you know you said that too because we don't think about that. Remember how I was like hey guys it's me on the problem. It's me. This is the conversations we've had for 10 years. Hi it's me this problem. Because we realize at the end of the day that regardless of what the other actions are what the other person does or whatever it is be the way we act and react is literally up to us in the way we move forward and in moments and heated moments you can do things that you're not proud of. You can do so many things and not be there. But then you can take a moment and reflect back and then the repentance part because we're both believers that part is the correction and the change and it's not just saying hey I'm gonna change I'm gonna do this. It's actually doing the work and part of that in that work doesn't mean you either change overnight because now you guys are 20 something years past that andor something like that.

SPEAKER_02 23:57

And you're here in a different relationship and in different light and how's your relationship today like I think it's more normal today like what other people go through like like I I don't know how to um so there was a time and a place a few years back and and this like we we've been working on it for a while right but a few years back the Lord asked me to talk to him and he had to show up like he had to start leading us the way that God wants him to lead or I was going to walk and not because I don't love him but because I'm being taken in a different direction and uh he he was always a believer but he's a pastor's kid so that it's always a rocky road with them for some reason. I mean I kind of get it like you you either have a dad or you have a pastor you don't get both type of thing you know um but it's like I just I just think it's kind of normal now.

SPEAKER_04 24:59

Like I like you you like your your argument if it's an argument it's over what are we having for dinner?

SPEAKER_02 25:05

Oh yeah dinner arguments are dumb they're such a it's like hey what do you want I don't know I don't know and I don't care either okay you can't put two people who are near on divergent together and have one of them try to make a decision because they want the other person wants to make it so we go we go to our our youngest child and she's usually the decision maker right she's usually the one who's like neurodivision right y'all don't know what you want but I know what I want. Right. And so those are conversations we have to have because here's the thing I know what I want I just never usually say it because I know he has food aversions that I don't and he's like no I'll eat whatever I'll did it and no you won't like let's not like let's be honest he's like listen we'll go four different places go four different places then okay yeah we want to go do it here we go let's do this then and but that that was the conversation we had to have it like like that's the point is that now we have the conversations we didn't used to have the conversations we would both shut down we would go into other rooms maybe we would both drive in different directions and cry and have a fit and do all the things and like not communicate worth a lake because we weren't taught to communicate we weren't taught to have conversations or to like figure out why we feel what we feel or why we think what we think or or or what are triggers or what are not or like the the trauma what the solution might be to the actual problem. Like we didn't even really know who we were as individual human beings let alone who we were in a marriage. Right? So so it's like we we were still kids we we we were in our own selfish mindsets you know and then when I we started having children mine changed because I then I wanted to be a good mom and do all the things uh and then same thing wife I want to be a good wife and do all the things and I am not the kind of person who's like okay with divorce not that I'm not like get a divorce to each his own divorce yeah you know what I mean like I mean even I was about to so it's not I I'm not saying it's wrong I'm not saying any of that. I'm saying I come from you fix it before you break it more all this stuff like yeah like we if you love someone love them and I think like even to this day if my girls came to me and said hey or my son saying hey we're struggling like in our relationships or whatever what do we do and if it was anything like ours was leave. Mm-hmm work on it work on you have them work on them work on it together with a counselor if you can get through it fantastic if you can't that's okay break it off but get out work on it do not let it engulf you to where you lose yourself and you're sitting in a pit trying to figure out how to get out for years. Yeah and you're just sitting in your depression and your anxiety and your grief and and then all the things and then that becomes your life and then you don't even know what it's like to be happy you don't know what joy looks like you don't know what what what a good day is because all you've had is crap day. So even if if you're able to get out of the house you're looking at a sky going hey this is a nice day but yeah I don't I don't I don't want I'm gonna go back in my dark room. No, we don't need to be there. We're not made to be there like I yeah I I would that would be my first directive even to ask somebody who's been through it. But that's why because I've been through it I wouldn't want anyone to go through it the way that I put myself through it.

SPEAKER_04 28:14

Right right for for certain things like again we and we both have our faith and we're both very on that but like there is a certain thing and I think this is something you and I started we're which we're gonna be doing something really cool next year you guys, Yolanda and I so we're really excited. But we had started mentioning talking about um some of the things that we're reading and studying and um and how God like never never said for us to suffer in like at the hands of the ones that like love us either like just because there's gotta be a way through it. Like one because one's bad I'm supposed to stay there like no like I deserve you got legs you can leave yes absolutely like make decisions your autonomy of yourself like your your own sovereignty so like in including in a marriage like the sovereignty and autonomy of yourself. Yeah I wanted to have that conversation because like I said most of the conversations I have are great and they're more with um with in retrospect to where they are in relationships I think your story is not unique but it's unique to me in a way that the way you've you've approached it where you are today um where you could have been and also how you approach the relationship now when things go hard or or how you approach anything now, which leads me back to the next thing now it's like how do you approach difficult situations? Because you come from hard situations. You've mentioned that you come from hard times, hard seasons um you didn't know that help was available the help could be there. So it's like how do you now compare to what you used to like not see any of that how do you now see the resources you have for when those spirals come for when those moments like how do you now approach that whole conversation because genuinely it comes down to the conversation. So how do you approach the conversation whether it's a conversation with yourself with your significant other with your partner with myself with whatever how do you approach it now compared to how you used to okay so I used to just be a volatile mess of hurtful words like I was gonna stab you with my words.

SPEAKER_02 30:09

I was gonna make as many whole I was gonna auto stab you over and over and over again okay if if if if we're talking zombie games I'm double tapping like 80 times okay I was that person. I was and even in that moment even in those moments man God led me to do some things that are very out of character even then and um and um but now I'm not gonna say the feeling of wanting to stab people with words doesn't still exist because I'm human it exists because I exist it does um the thing is is I have to sheath them and I have to I I I said this the other day in a Discord call and I was like listen I was like I use anger as a pause button when

Infidelity, Idols, And Letting Go

SPEAKER_02 31:00

when I get angry I have to pause now and I have to braid my whip like Jesus did.

SPEAKER_04 31:06

I can decide if I'm gonna flip a table or if I'm gonna set it most of the time I set it let me be very clear most of the time I said it and if I get to the point where I want to flip it I usually pause the conversation and I leave for a little bit and I have to recenter because obviously I am not processing the information fast enough to make like to put words together in a way that will benefit the both of us I will but ultimately hurt your feelings um who I am because the automated person inside like I said you gotta know your automation you got to know your automation so you know how to click that automate button off.

SPEAKER_02 31:55

Click it off if we talk about who is at her core she's very feisty. Yes a good word I'm feisty and so um I'm trying to be less feisty in a way that's not stabby.

SPEAKER_04 32:16

Yeah I don't know I'll tell you like I'll tell you this I'll tell you this I've noticed the shift in you um from because like I said you and I met when I came to you and I was like hey you're my soul sister which was 10 years ago which I'm gonna have you tell them how you thought of that it was that way that whole like crazy side eye like okay you okay psycho um but then years later years later it was like hey come work on this project sure and then it's like yep yeah I'm you're right I know I was right I know I was right and so I mean you know I'm gonna get my right in now in a full on with having you on and it's public and it's recorded I'm getting five meetings I am getting my right she will tell you it has taken me five to get my right okay not only is she feisty she's a stubborn stubborn stubborn I am a stubborn mule so to see somebody soften in their stubbornness oh yeah yeah to see a human soften in their stubbornness um has been a pleasure of mine because I know what that's like like I know what it's like to be the being with the words and just like no cold like nah you can't and I you know that I'm stubborn too like I am stubborn too like I'm stubborn but being soft in your stubbornness doesn't mean that you let go of what you want or what you build or what you um like or or or just your whole identity of like hey this is who I am like I know I stick to my guns and blah blah blah but the way you approach it comes differently you pause for a second and you listen to the other party and you uh and you now are much more loving and caring because and now you don't come off and be like I don't like it and I'm like no I know you don't like it. It's it's okay you don't have to like it but this is what we're I'll be like I'll be like I'll I'll be like behind you know like this be like stupid together I don't have time for this I have things I need to do why are you calling me and I'm like hey what's going on what's going on yeah so I'm like no you may not like it you may not like it you may not want to but why is this and I was like no I get it but now when we go and approach the situation because you've been through them now in the last couple especially the last couple months and with everything we have going on I've seen you approach it in a different way I've seen you look at the human and go you know what I'm gonna give them more grace than I want to and let me just be real and I know people go they get offended so if you get offended easy when you have another thing don't get me started on that anyway people don't like when you say things about yourself that are not positive. No listening truth and truth I'm an idiot I'm an idiot we're I don't even know what I like this I listen the idea I have no offense at being called stupid damn right idea the idea that we can as human beings continue to sin even though we know we're not supposed to or continue to do the stupid things that we do even though we're not supposed to like you can't like this is just a matter of fact okay it's just a matter of fact so when I say things like that and I'm talking to somebody I'm like this is so dumb this is so idiotic my pause button almost automatically goes in and be like yeah you know all about that and I'm just like yeah let me shut up you grow what yes race let's do this so right let's do this let's let's pause because we're both and it doesn't matter how much you grow it does not matter how much you grow like because at the and this is our conversations like literally daily we'll get on our 30 minute because we do Bible study for ourselves we do by we do church every day basically and we get together and we just have a vent conversation about this and this and that and then we come to the realization of literally by the end of it or even the beginning of it we know it and we're like I'm the problem I'm stupid like it's me I know but we are going to go through this right now and I already know I'm the problem I already know the solution but we're going through this and like sometimes the call is literally listen I'm having a temper tantrum I just need to get this out okay I don't need you to tell me anything and by the end of the conversation you're like okay obviously I had to tell myself something you didn't even have to tell me about myself I told me about my own danger and it's like what is but learning so I think like but but I think that's a beautiful way also of like us representing now how we learn to have relationships with ourselves like I got I I got the privilege of learning that just because I didn't I didn't get to have relationships with others that I found well like I thought I found valuable and meaning like for me because I am neurodivergent and I'm a little like I'm a loyalist too like when I'm loyal to you I'm loyal to you. So like there's nothing you could do wrong to me no matter how much you could hurt me because like oh that's my dog right like that's my person and realize that dogs will bite you like they will. And so I had to learn what it meant to like really have a relationship with myself and be honest with myself and sit down and have conversations with myself and look myself in the mirror and be like I don't like you. I don't like who you are I don't like what you think I don't like how you think I don't like how you approach people I don't like how people approach you. I don't like how you allow yourself to be treated like shit all the time. I don't like how you allow yourself to be put down I don't like how you cry by yourself all the and nobody picks up the phone for you. Like I don't like that about you Adela. And so having these conversations with myself it took a long time but then being able to have it with you guys too of going like I don't like this about myself and then seeing that in other people around me and going like I love you but I don't like that about you. I don't like how you put yourself down and I don't like how you talk to like I say it in a lot meaner way than I'm this way guys I really didn't but it it shows that we need to start having more relationship with my with ourselves so how's your relationship with yourself because in your answers of the questions that you did you you mentioned I know I I didn't get listen guys I gave her no answers she gave me nothing you already know that was she said you already know and I'm like heifer she's like you're supposed to do work I was like I don't need to do work you you got the PDF so I'm not the PDFer okay I've spoiled them I've spoiled I show what she has I have spoiled them so you can tell them about that so you mentioned the family God um and in there too I'm gonna put myself you mentioned me too has shaped how you view relationships and how you now approach your own relationships with yourself and partnerships and communication so how have you learned to recognize what a healthy one is versus what's not healthy anymore let me just be real let me explain something okay what she was just talking about I chastise myself okay I will be driving down the road my brain will think something just weird off the wall whatever and I go absolutely not brain I don't know what you're thinking but you better get get yourself together because we are not there anymore like no and I always say it out loud and people like why do you do that why do you do it out loud I was like because I needed to hear it I need I need to hear it sometimes like I for it to like process and and take well also there's really quick there's also scientific fact that if you see if you're in your head all the time and then you use your mouth and do say something different than what's in your head it interrupts the signals and the brain patterns that are in your head right now that are talking so much crap and then makes you think for a second then you go oh pause maybe I'm not so bad.

SPEAKER_02 39:35

Yeah I just I'm at a point in my life wait see this is where the narrativergency comes in what what did you ask me?

SPEAKER_04 39:42

I asked you how you're how can you look at the healthy relationship compared to before to now with oh girl listen I listen I in the nicest way possible I just don't care like I love everyone but I don't like many.

SPEAKER_02 40:06

Let me just be very very honest um I can show up for anyone I will love you I will pray for you I will whatever but if you yourself bring negativity or darkness or whatever into my life you're out like I I listen I will leave you unread I will I will I will ghost you to your face like I am that person 100% because I I don't have time for that I came from that I I I I'm not trying to do that. That doesn't mean I won't walk with you that doesn't mean I won't talk with you that doesn't mean I won't set a boundary yes a very clear one I I don't even in I she knows you guys don't know she knows I will meet people and immediately go nope and I will walk away and she'll be like oh but love human I love them but I'm gonna love them from over here from from that way. Like see this mountain I'm I'm way up here and she's like down in this valley somewhere and I'm like waving and I'm on like call with her being like no you have fun down there. And she's just like and people are like how can you do that?

SPEAKER_04 41:13

I was like listen listen it's I respect don't I and and it's great because like that's the other part you got to respect everyone's play

Anger As A Pause Button

SPEAKER_04 41:20

space and ability and capacity for what they want in their boundary. Like you gotta respect it. Like mine I have I have my boundaries but I have no respect for mine sometimes. Like I don't let's just be real because like totally to I Because I didn't for so long. Right because she didn't for so long. For me now like there is a boundary that I've put like there are two sets of boundaries for me right now. There's like the inner wall you can't penetrate you can't come near like you will not come near there's nothing on that. Then there's the outer wall where I let you beat it up a little bit. Like I let you kind of have a little fun like this is the fun where I learned like she'll tell I I do I'm like go ahead go ahead let's be real though I also put boundaries up not because like I have we all have our boundaries okay if you don't have boundaries we need to have a conversation we need to talk about boundaries because I promise we didn't have them that's that means boundary like within yourself not just the boundary of other people like yourself like what she said about talking how you talk to yourself there's got to be a boundary of how you talk to yourself right right so like I I I will be the first one to be like listen here you you bloated cow if you don't stop doing what you need to do you know or you know or don't need to do or whatever and then I'll go you know what I didn't mean that you're not a cow you're fine the bloat will go down I love you that's her topic like that's yeah that's me talking to myself and I know that sounds crazy.

SPEAKER_02 42:42

I get that that sounds crazy. However that has taught me that like not only that I'm human right but I do truly have negative thoughts about myself sometimes and it's not always appropriate to bring that to other people um sometimes you just need to get it out. Now I'm not saying that it's it's not a good idea to have the conversations if you need to have them of course have them um but like I have I have certain boundaries with myself and I have like even with Adela I have certain boundaries and it's not like with her specifically but like there are boundaries that I have set for myself to respect her to respect her husband to respect her son to respect her house to respect certain things might not be who I am but I know she appreciates it. And I do that to every human on whatever level their thing is right and so when we talk about like what it looks like for every other human being like when I have these conversations it's it really depends.

SPEAKER_04 43:42

It really really just depends and well your relationships depend on like my point on like with the healthy relationships is like yourself. Your relationship with the way you speak and the way you do that is so much healthier Um, and because you can now recognize through the auditory that you've done and the practices you've done of going, no, I'm not that, no, this not, like reminding yourself and that. Because at the end of the day, you have to be your own cheerleader. Like at the end of the day, nobody's watching you, nobody's listening to you, nobody, like she said, cares. So are you gonna care? Let's just be real. Why would someone care if you don't even care? Why do they need to care if you don't care and you don't like it or you don't have like care? So why why do you expect someone else? So that's because it's an expectation and because it's a it's it's this idea that we construct in our head of something or someone based on what we don't have or what we wish we had on someone else, and then we project that we're gonna be toddlers and we because we're having tantrums because we get our toy. Yeah, we didn't get the toy we wanted, and we're going, give me my toy. I want to listen that.

SPEAKER_02 44:50

And we're saying this 100% knowing we throw tantrums, okay? 100% knowing that we get emotional, we get whatever, all the different things, just like everybody else.

SPEAKER_04 45:00

I'm not hiding from my human experience of going and saying that I'm an adult with literally. Um, I know this is most of you are there too, you just don't want to admit it, with like a 15, maybe a 12, or maybe sometime a five-year-old mind thinking that you have the capacity, understanding, and ability and all of this to like rule the whole world or be the best and the best, and you can't do your dishes, or you can't make your bed, or you can't brush your teeth, or and again, those are just simple things that affect you every single day. And then you're worried about everybody else, you're worried about like, no, go through the internet, come back and do what you need to do.

SPEAKER_02 45:38

And in all fairness, with all of those things, we come back to you don't know what you don't know when it comes about your own mental health, about your emotional health, your physical health, your spiritual health, all of the health. You just don't know what you don't know. And how are you supposed to know how to do something if you've never been taught? If you've never walked through it, if you've never come out on the other side. And so that's been that's why I remember.

SPEAKER_04 46:00

So what's been your so what's been your teaching the last couple of what did you learn from me? I want to know now. You're such a I am now because you're here. I want to, I want to know now. Like I want to know what you've been learning from.

SPEAKER_02 46:12

Watch this. This is what she wants to hear.

unknown 46:14

I was right.

SPEAKER_02 46:14

Adela, you were right. Yes! That's all I wanted to hear. That's all I wanted to hear. When this started, when this started, she thought I was crazy still. Listen, yes, this has taken me almost 10 years, okay? When we started, I was like, You're hippy-dippy crazy crap. Like, I don't have time for this. Like, da da da. She sure did. And I was like, you know what? What do I got to lose? I've been through therapy, I've had medications, I've done all the things, you know what? Let's just let's give it a shot, right? Five years of me being stubborn until I saw some sort of result. Because I mean, when I tell you it was like water driplet, like boom.

SPEAKER_04 46:49

That's how she was absorbing it. I was throwing buckets of water.

SPEAKER_02 46:54

Yeah, here she's like doing, I'm like getting away. I'm like buckets, and she's like, when we talk about we talk about boundaries, oh honey, I had walls upon walls upon walls upon walls of boundaries. Like you weren't getting through none of it. And so I had to finally give like let some of the trickles in and see, you know, and I realized some things were working. So like year five, okay, year five, year five. I'm like, fine, let's do this. I'm in. Let's let's go. I'm in. And let me tell you, every year was something different. Like, I listen again. I I may be a child of God, I am under refinement, I am not fixed, okay. I am being I'm growing. Okay, I'm growing. So the idea that I would be perfect and all that, listen, I had a whole year of F your feelings.

SPEAKER_01 47:46

She sure did.

SPEAKER_02 47:47

That was my feelings, her feelings, my kids' feelings. Everybody's feelings.

SPEAKER_01 47:50

It was everybody, strangers' feelings, babies feeling. I don't care. Anybody who has feelings. And I'm over here. You have to feel. Awesome.

SPEAKER_04 48:00

Literally, for like two, it was like her first year. I'm like, F your feeling. And I'm like, no, but you have to feel. And she's like, shut up, no feelings. And I'm like, no, but feelings. I'm like, no, we're gonna go shave my head, feelings. She's like, F your feelings. And I'm like, no, and like here we go. Now I'm like, be in your so the reason for it was now really quick. Do F your feelings when they're trying to kill you, like F your feelings and be better, and like whatever, because like you are more than the feeling, you are way more than the feelings. So the concept stands, it just in the way you apply it.

SPEAKER_02 48:29

So what it was was I was letting other people's feelings dictate how I responded. And so I had to learn how to I don't know if the right word is disengage, but like I had I kind of did. I had to g disengage the emotional response. I had to. I had to learn what that looked like. Um, because I needed to understand why why things would trigger me, why um mentally they put me somewhere, why all of the things. And so that year was a little harsh because I know people thought I was meaner than I am, which honestly I can be very mean if I want to, but I can be so kind. I laughed at her, uh so loving. Um and so we talk about being mean sometimes and like being mama bears and all the stuff, and and she's like, I'm I'm so inside, like I I'm so like I couldn't. She doesn't see me like that at all. And I'm like, I'm like, oh, look at that.

SPEAKER_01 49:31

That's how she sees your baby's cute, and she's like, stop it.

SPEAKER_02 49:34

I'm not cute, I'm hard, and I I can do these things, and I'm just sitting here like sure you can. I love you. I know you can do you can you can do it, you can do it, and I'm and I'm over here trying to become more like that. I'm trying to become softer and more gentle because I don't care. And it's not, it's not like I don't care, like like I care that you live, I care that you have a good life, I care about those things. I don't care about your opinion. I don't care that you know you didn't get what you want today, and now now somehow it's your kids' fault. Um, no, we're not playing that game. I'm going to correct you. She might not correct you in some of that. I definitely will. Um, because I'm a little bolder. I just am, even though I have to wonder if tacos talk to me or think about me too, right? Like that's my shirt. Why? Because I do wonder that.

SPEAKER_04 50:34

Yeah, I just don't when she says I don't care, like when I tell you I don't care, I walk away, look at you, and be like, here's a mass match and gasoline. I don't care. Have fun. Like, that's me. Like, yeah, that's me.

SPEAKER_02 50:46

She will have the conversation with you.

SPEAKER_04 50:47

I mean, I'll, but yeah, I'll have the conversation. But at the same time, I don't care what you do because at the end of the here's my thing, and this is how I've told you too. Like, how many times have I told you through our conversations through all this over? Like, I'm not responsible for how you act, how you react. I'm not responsible for your emotions. I am choosing to come and be a part of your life. Like, I'm making a decision because that's who

Boundaries And How You Self-Talk

SPEAKER_04 51:10

I am and that's what I want to do. But like, I'm not responsible. Like, I'm just opening up a space for you to be, like, give a moment and reprieve or whatever. I'm leaving away from that afterwards, and I don't care. I won't have a second thought. Now, it doesn't mean years in the past I didn't. Like, I would take that home with me and I would cry and I'm like, save the world and do this. Now, when I say I don't care, I don't care. And here's why I don't care. Because when she you want what you want, and when you don't get what you want, you don't have the will to change your want. Yeah, you don't want to. And then you cry about it, and then and then it sits and then back and forth, back and forth. And it's like, where is your will? Like, and I'm talking about no need. Like, what do you need? What do you want? And what is your requirement? Not your expectation. What do you require? Like, I require honesty, I require loyalty, I require transparency, I require you to show up, I require you to be the good, decent human being. And if those requirements aren't met, guess what? You're out. I don't want you around me. I don't want to have anything to do with you. Whether I need it or I want it, it has nothing to do with that. It has to do with what's required. And and I had to learn that because I had expectations of so many humans in my life because I did for things. I showed up for people, I was there for people, so I expected them in return. When when you have a requirement of these are the few requirements, I want this, I want that, like that's required. You can't move out into my want. You can't have a need unless we meet this requirement. It's very simple, it's plain as day. And there's no, like how we have different narratives for different words now, like there's none of that in the requirement. It is or isn't. You either can or can't. You either want, want to, or don't. You either have the will to or you don't. And that at the end of the day comes down to that's you. And what I've learned in my 10 years of working and trying to save human beings and being there and like the pain and the anguish that I know humans feel and I've had to sit with and be part of, at the end of the day, nothing in this world, in this world, in this world can make the difference for you if you don't decide that you're worth the effort. And then whichever way you want to lean and have the relationships. But like for me, going to God, nothing in this world will heal it the way you want, unless you actually are honest with yourself and where you are. And and again, to surrender to whatever it is the situation is. It doesn't mean you give up, but you just surrendered that emotional like think that you can control this world, that you can control the way things are. You can't do any of that. You cannot be accountable for another variable, which is the human being. And that is the most like unaccountable variable you could ever have.

SPEAKER_01 53:38

I can't even be accountable for my own variables. What do you mean?

SPEAKER_04 53:40

And so it's like, so when somebody goes, I told so and so and I asked so and so, and it's like, do you or do you not understand that the human being cannot be dependent on? And I don't mean that to be like, oh, it can't be. Like, you can't put all your all your ducks in a row, all your money, all your stuff into one human being, into two human beings, and expect for the way for your things, like you can't. That is a variable that is violatile, that is a variable that is complex, that is a variable that even if you think you understand human nature and there's you know patterns and things that we do, and you can be like, oh, I know that. You don't know, you don't know. And being able to let go of the I know that human and going, I don't know. You're a human being, blank slate. I don't know if I can depend on you, I don't know if you can show up. But here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna give you an opportunity. Here's the funny part about that, all that.

SPEAKER_02 54:29

Even after that year, right? Of F throughings, that I had a year of pause, a year that I just had to pause everything. And um and so, like, even now, I like if I if I say F your feelings, like I've been working on I I grew up and you could be you were allowed to cuss, right? Like as long as it wasn't directed at our parents, you were allowed to just cuss it up. And so now it's so funny because like I'll say, I'll go to say something, and I'm like, forgiveness, forgiven, faithful, salvation, like just all the things that I normally I'm trying to, I'm trying to be much more mindful and change some of the way that I speak. But again, that comes with a pause, right? And because some things are kind of ingrained with the way that you have been brought up. Um, but even like what she was just saying, like just because listen, every human being deserves to exist, deserves to have a conversation, all of the things.

SPEAKER_04 55:31

However, however, that does not mean that your life gets to negate mine, or you're entitled to my life, or entitled to change my narrative, or that's just what it is.

SPEAKER_02 55:46

It's just and I think that that's a hard thing for us to learn as human beings because I think a lot of us are brought up in a way where everyone has access to us. Yes, you you can you can be like, hey, give me this, give me that. I need your time, I need your effort, I need your energy, I need it, da da da. If you don't, you're not a good daughter, you're not a good husband, you're not a good son, you're not a good daughter, or you know, child or sister or all the things.

SPEAKER_04 56:08

A worker or a friend, or yeah, you're not a good collaborator, a good artist. And it's like, um you don't dictate what I'm good, like no. Why do y'all get to devalue me?

SPEAKER_02 56:18

Yeah. Like, why are y'all like again, you you want the value that I have, yet you don't want to support it. Like you, you don't want to show up for me. You don't want to show up for the things that I have to offer and all these things, or are the things that I need. But as soon as you need something from me, no matter if it's my time or my effort, my talents, my skill, whatever, then it's all all like, oh, I'm I'm so great, I'm so this, I'm so it's like, listen, yep. I I do. Let me let me let me preference this by saying, I love human beings. I don't like people.

SPEAKER_04 56:58

I love human beings, but I do not like it.

SPEAKER_02 56:59

I don't like people either. Uh uh. I don't either. You will never catch me like that. And I think it's because it's very hard to find someone who's just authentic, who's not afraid of just being themselves. Most of us, and and I used to be one too, like most of us will sit there and we'll change for the people we're around. We'll change to fit in with the groups of people, with their ideas, with their things. And it's like like when I go into a lot of these conversations, there's talk about, you know, people want to talk about politics, people want to talk about things on the news, people want to talk about like uh things going on in the communities and all this kind of stuff. That's all well and good. Don't don't get it twisted. Not my bag of tea, okay? I just I have enough going on in my own life to worry about things that are out of my control. I it's just seems pointless to me. Like I get like knowing, but like I'm not gonna live in it. But if we're gonna talk about our community, okay, let's talk about our home. How how is your relationship with your kids? Yep. How is your relationship with your husband? So we're talking about I want to be out in the community, I want to be working with them, I want to help them, I want to are you doing that at home? Yep. What's your what's your zeroed into the city? And if you're not, and if you're not, we need to turn around and and go back to the beginning. And and people are like, oh, well, that's just a biblical one. No, no, no. This is a human standard. Like, we're not even we're not I'm not even being bringing no faith into it. We're just talking about a human standard of how you live and priority.

SPEAKER_04 58:23

Right. How you live with the people how you interact and have a relationship with the people you live with.

SPEAKER_02 58:29

Yeah. And you know, and I understand like some, you know, it took me a long time. Man, because being a parent's hard. I don't care who you are, it's hard. And it took me a long time to realize that when my children were being like rambunctious and and and and angry and and and loud and all the things, right? Uh, and we're all neurodivergent, so can you imagine how loud our house was, like all the time before they became adults? Um someone said, Man, they must really feel safe around you guys. And when I told when I tell you that shattered my heart because in my mind, I was like, Man, this is so difficult, they're so difficult, they're so difficult. And then I'm like, but they get to unmask at home, they get to generally just be without the fear that someone's gonna hurt them or judge them or do all these things. Yeah, it's draining for me. But they got that escape that I never I didn't get, right? I didn't get that growing up, and so for me, that shattered some perceptions I had for other people as well. Like, okay, if you're if you're around me and you're acting a fool and you're being ridiculous and you're doing all these things, why do you feel safe enough around me to bring that to me?

SPEAKER_04 59:56

Again, it comes down to what is for the tantrum. And in that in the best way too, like we to call the world tantrum, like whatever, like no, that's a good and then who am I and then who am I not to give you a few moments of my time for a conversation?

SPEAKER_02 1:00:11

Whether that moment is five minutes or five hours, doesn't matter. Who am I to act like you don't deserve it when you have so boldly let me know without actually letting me know that you feel safe with me. And when I say stuff like that, and and people are like, oh well, you you wouldn't talk like this to to people who aren't in your yes, I do. Oh, 100% now.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:34

Because I do because it spills what people don't know is again that old saying of who you are when no one is watching is going to spill over into who you will be in like society, like it's so true. When I tell you that when I realized that the most important part of my life was my husband and my son and how I had that relationship and with that relationship I built, and then that extended into my family, into all into different like partnerships and everything else. That does not mean though that that all relationships are or we're all on the same page or cordial or agree or get along or or or are in necessarily in good relationships or good standings, right? But they're in respectful standings, at least on my end, and they're in a in an acceptance standing, so that in a forgiveness, they're in a stance of going like, no, the most important things that I know I can focus on, I can take care of is my 40 inches.

Requirements Versus Expectations

SPEAKER_04 1:01:25

And we've taught that in classes, like because part of the thing is my 40 inches. Like what when I touch, what I feel, what I can sense with my five senses, what is affecting me? And when I step outside, because that's what COVID taught me, the six feet. When I step outside that door, that's six feet. Do I want that six feet to be as infectious in a good way or bad way? Do I want it to be as like, how do I want that? So when I come back to my family, am I coming back to my family with the fullest of who I am? Or am I coming back to me in a minute, coming back to them the worst of me? Because I gave the world the best of me. No, the world can have the worst of me. I don't care. The world can have the worst of me. Adela, you're crazy. You're right, I am. Adela, you're too much. You're right, I am. Adela, oh my god, you're damn right. Guess what? My husband never says that. My son never says that. Like they love and uh the abundance of what they have, they enjoy my too much love, too much presence, too much of whatever, right? Not all the time. I'm not saying all the time, we're humans. I'm just saying we have our breaks, you guys. I promise you, we have two floors. That's why we can separate. Um but the idea that if I would have years ago let go of the thing that gives me the most peace, and I searched for a home and I searched for these places that were so outside of my own home, and that I would find value in that versus my own home was the stupidest thing. I've like when we talk about stupid, stupid to the stupidest level of the T. Like stupid, put it in the intellectual, take offense to that, like all of it emotionally, intelligently, every kind of way you could think of. Stupid. Why? Why was that stupid? Because the people that get most impacted, that have the that I have the most influence on is not the world, it is not you, it is not the listeners, it is not the strangers on the internet, it is not my fans, it is not my subscribers, it is none of that. It is my husband, it is my son, it is the next person that I talk to daily, that I decide to interact with. That's who gets to get the best of me. Because at my funeral, I will never want somebody to come up and be like, Adela was so nice to me. Because I promise you, you are wrong.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:33

I will be there to be like, she didn't like any of you.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:36

I promise you. Like, you are wrong. I'm not nice.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:39

People are like, listen, we're here.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:41

No, I'm not nice. I am kind. And but I but that's the part. We we conflate so many of our words, so many of relationships that again, what's important, what's valuable. You are valuable. What you produce in your home is the most valuable and the wealthiest and the healthiest it could be. You and I understand me speaking this is like, oh, I don't have money, Adela. We don't have food. We have to work. Like, I get the situations and all of that. Still not an excuse for you not to show up in your own home. Like, still not an excuse for you not to show up at your best for the people who need you to be at your best. We have literally turned it around that we need to show up the best for the other people.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:21

And pause right there for just a second. That is not us saying that it might not be a struggle for you to do so. That is not us saying that you might not be there yet. Yes. That is not us saying that there are things in your life that have made that very difficult. What we're saying is there's gonna be a time when you come out on the other end of that and realize it wasn't an excuse.

SPEAKER_05 1:04:44

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:44

And it's not always something you can understand when you're when you're in it, not even at the point of wanting to live in it, you know? So when we're going through these things, I am unapologetically authentic to who I am, not to who somebody in the world thinks I should be, not to who Adela thinks I should be, or my husband or my children. I will tell my children, they don't, they don't listen. I'm sure they get sick of hearing about Jesus. Okay. Okay. I I am aware. I'm sure my pastor father-in-law also probably gets annoyed with how much I talk about Jesus. Okay. I don't care. I don't care. I do not care. But then also they don't care about me wanting to play video games or watching anime or doing the weird little things I like to do with like cosplay and all that other kind of stuff. And that's a whole nother ballgame. However, that's who I am. And I'm not, I'm not changing who I am unless God tells me to. That's just how it is. But I'm going to still show up for people, whether they believe in God or not, whether or not they follow instructions that I give or that somebody else in the faith gives, because you're all individually human first. You're all individually entitled to your life the way that you want it. My job is to just come alongside if ever there's an opportunity and love you through it. It is not my job to judge you, to tell you you're wrong, to tell you you're going to hell, to do all those things. Those things drive me crazy because that's not authentic love of God. It's just not. And so when we talk about being disciples and coming along people and walking with them through life, that doesn't mean we force God down your throat, but it does mean that we share that good news. But we live life with you. We we talk with you. We have these hard conversations that people are so scared to have because people are going to look at them like they're crazy or they're stupid or they're whatever. That's fine. Let me be crazy and stupid. I'll be happy.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:51

Put me as the testimony of it. I've been there, done it. Well, the other part is like one of the things I heard, I actually just heard someone say, and it was an elderly man on a on a clip was uh, you know, it was about marriage, about getting married. Would you want to marry somebody or whatnot? Um and the the guy said something like this. Um, and I I I apply this now into any relationship I'm gonna take, not just my marriage, because I think it's important on how you want to grow old and how you want to like live with the people around you, surround yourself with some of that stuff, right? And it said, um, he said, don't marry them. Now I'm saying in addition to this, don't get involved in a relationship, whether that's a partnership, friendship, or whatever, unless you're willing to be see them at their like love them when they're unless you're willing to love them when they're in their shit, in their and their lowest, when they're old, withered, fat, ugly, wrinkly, when their whole body has given up, when everything is no, but like that's what he said. That's what he said. I'm repeating it. No, no, but like But but the idea of like don't get into a relationship partnerships with someone unless you're willing to actually look at them as a whole human, not just what they are the best part of you or them, like they're whole human. Because if you can't foresee that, the fact that they will be at their weakest, they will have a moment that they will need you to be there for them. Like, I will wipe her ass if she needs it. Like, I like her enough to do that. I don't like many people enough to do that at all.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:13

I promise you. Well, that's what I was saying. We are monkeys, we literally will throw crap at each other constantly.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:18

Like, and but I know that now looking at it, going like I like this is gonna sound terrible. Like, if I absolutely have to, and again, I'm put in the position, then I will for my mother. Like, I absolutely will, because that's what I'm required to do. Right. However, comma also, I don't want to, but like for you or my husband, I want to. Like, that's what I mean about the difference. And again, this is nothing shade to anybody in my family for anybody.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:44

But want and need are two very different things.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:46

Want and need are two different things. When the human needs, you have to be willing to be there for it when even when you don't want to. And that part is when you look at that, when you look at the relationship, you look at the rest of your life, and it's daunting to look at the rest of your life because you can't see passion. But I mean, it is.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:05

I'm just saying of marriage for the rest of your life, even when you don't want to, right?

SPEAKER_04 1:09:12

But I think that that's to me, I think that to me, if I'm gonna be in a partnership, I don't want to show up all the time. I don't want to listen to your BS all the time, you don't want to listen to mine, I don't want to slot. Like there are times where neither one of us wants to talk to each other, but what do we do? We pick up the phone, let's be real. So it's like I just because I don't want to does not mean that my will to be like to be there for the human will ever be overridden because I've decided that that human is worth the effort. At their worst. Like at their worst. And that means whatever their good and best is, is is literally like the fruit of the late like the heart like the most beautiful thing. Because if you're not willing to be in that soil, not willing to till it, you're not willing to be in that dirt, like my God said to me, Adela, I gave you a home, I gave you a backyard, I gave you a foundation, and you are still searching 13,000 miles away to touch a soil and a land that you've never truly owned, you've never been in, but in your own home, you don't want to, you don't want to clean the shit out of your own toilet, but you're willing to go to someone else's house. Get your crap together. Like saying, because that's what happened to me. And I'm going, oh my, like for real.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:28

You want to dig in the dirt. You're okay with getting dirty. Okay, let's do this.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:32

Like do it for yourself. Like be in your backyard, build that, grow the foundation that you want to. Because it is, you're right. It is absolutely, guys, it is easier to do it for other people. You and I have had this question. Why I started this whole non nonprofit organization, why I started this podcast, why I started everything was why can I be there for others, but I can't be there for myself? Why can I survive others, but I can't survive myself because it's hard to show up for us.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:59

That's why. Because we have to believe in us. But oh no, I do now.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:03

Now I'm like, Well, yeah, yeah. No, now I'm just saying that's the but that's why. So here's the other part disappoint people. Take a year, disappoint them, say no. It is gonna feel bad in the beginning, and you're gonna get a whole lot of disappoint others, but stop disappointing and breaking your word to yourself. We talk about that all the time. I'm like, I give my word now, I give my word to first to me, and not first to me, first to God, but I am part of that first to God because if I don't get like I am part of that. So now when I give my word to myself, I will be disciplined. Adele, I don't want to get up in the morning at 5 a.m., 4:30 a.m. and walk the dogs because it's the only time I don't want to go through this, I don't want to be in there. The first word that comes into my head is discipline. Why? Because

Give Your Best To Your Home

SPEAKER_04 1:11:45

I gave my myself the word discipline and I said, I will be disciplined. I made that contract with myself. Now that I did that with myself and my spirit, guess what? I'm held accountable by God. Literally, very easy, discipline, Adelaide. Get my butt up in the morning, go walk on that dog, come back in and do what I need to do. Do I like it? Do I want to do it? No, at all. But part of resilience, part of growing through, part of being uncomfortable in your comfortableness is going through and going, I don't like it. I don't want to do this, but I'm gonna do it anyway. I don't want to be a part of this, I don't want to be involved with this, but I'm gonna do it anyway. I don't think I should say this. I don't think I should do this, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Here's the first sin. And now I'm again, you disagree or disagree with me. The first sin is when I go I think. That's where I've already gone wrong. I've already been down the stupid path, and I've already like the moment I go I think instead of I am, I already know that my being has taken over and I'm sitting here making plans. Like I know what I'm doing and what I'm supposed to do, or I know all the answers, and I know nothing. When I'm thinking, that's the problem. But how do you stop thinking? Because the thinking and the thoughts of anxiety of the world, you put yourself first. You decide, you, you decide that you're worth the effort of tuning it out and building those foundations and putting those walls and saying that no, I don't want to listen to this anymore. No, I don't agree with that. No, that doesn't sit well with my soul. Whatever, again, where is your peace? What is your structure? What is your security for yourself? What is it that you're seeking? Um, those are the conversations we've had over these years. So I'm gonna ask you now, for someone who's now at this stage, for her in like, again, you're not fully in the security, you're not fully in like all the stuff as far as the worldly things may go. Again, we're good in God, but as far as the worldly things go, we still struggle. We still are, you know, in that your foundation is solid now, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:13:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:28

On who you are and and where you're at. Besides God, because that's the number one thing that makes up your foundation. What are the few other things that make up your foundation now?

SPEAKER_02 1:13:46

That's an interesting question. I find value in life. Um life. And so I think that's a thing too, like, um I don't care if it's a plant, if it's an animal, if it's a human being, if it's a bug, I like I find value. Um if it's a spider, I burn everything down. I think you can find any values in spiders.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:35

I think there is some. There is some. I think like that for squirrels, but you know, not like things.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:41

Squirrels are just neurodivergent mice. Anyway, um, and so I I think I just find value there. I I find value in most things. Um, and I think I think that's a thing. Um and also I don't like excuses. Not like excuses like because of like my my mental health, my emotional health, like my feelings. I'm not talking about excuses like that. I'm talking about excuses that are like that that you give for not doing something. Like I lived an entire life of excuses, uh, because I was told to do stuff a certain way and I I did it, and so it I thought I was right, right? And so then when I realized I wasn't right and I was just making excuses, I realized how much I don't like them. Um and I still do that because I'm human, right? I still do that sometimes. Um but I kind of don't tolerate them. So when somebody's talking to me, I'm going to ask questions. Like if you want to have a conversation with me, no, I will always love you first, but I'm going to correct your behavior. You are my child. I am the mama bear. Like I have three children in their 12th.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:55

Oh, and she'll shush you in the middle of you talking, going, shush, it's not your time to talk. She will. It's hilarious, it's hilarious. Like, don't take offense to it. It's great, it's it's a learning experience. You got to know your place and tell people.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:06

Listen, if we're having a conversation, interrupt me. Yes. I give people permission to interrupt me. I give people permission to hold me accountable. I give people permission to authentically be themselves. You don't have to hide who you are with me because I don't care. I'm not gonna judge you like that.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:23

I'll judge your behavior all day long. All day long. I'm gonna be honest. I won't necessarily judge your behavior.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:29

I will I will define the I will correct it. No, I'll judge it. It's a teachable moment for me.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:35

I had to, I had I that's my one thing I'm working on. That's my problem. My stubbornness, that's what I'm trying to learn from her, is how to be more corrective instead of going like you're stupid.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:47

And and the thing is, is it's not again, I I am always in mom mode. I've been a mother since I was 18. Okay, I'm 44 now. So I don't have the I don't have the capacity to see people my children's age, in their 30s, early 40s, who are still acting like my nine-year-old. Yeah. I do not have the capacity to be like, yeah, come into my life, let's hang out, let's talk, and like they don't. And you throw a tantrum after tantrum. Like, listen, grow up. Like, I love you.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:19

Your children should not out adult you. They just shouldn't. Yes. And I understand there's always reasonings for it. Okay. I understand there's always traumas, there's always things. We all have the stories, right? Again, that does not negate you showing up for you. The things that I showed up for myself in the 10 years with working with her, right? I in turn gave it to my entire family. I did not just hold it in for myself. I did not do that. And I think that was the thing, and like it was a year five, maybe.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:52

Yeah, it was about year five or six where you started to be like, my where it was your it was actually John who said it. He was like, Yeah, you're talking about.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:59

He started having yeah, I would, I would talk, I talked to him different. He actually, I would have, I changed the way, like I changed. The way that I conversated changed, the way I reacted to things changed, which in turn grew the way that we communicated. It changed the way he conversated, it changed the way that he said certain things. Did the same thing with my children. My my daughter, my youngest is nine, my oldest is 25. My nine-year-old, who is also neurodivergent, she now doesn't have to mask at school. She now feels confident and safe enough to be authentically herself 24-7, even though she's a lot sometimes. And she is thriving, and she can tell you why, because she holds me accountable, I hold her accountable. We I do not have I have an open door policy for everybody until you make me shut the door. And I will tell you to your face what you're doing to make me want to shut the door. I won't just shut it in your face, I will tell you about yourself first so you can correct it. And then if you don't want to, then I'll then I'll shut it. And that's just the end. Um, and I do that because I do love people. I don't want people to keep doing the same things that's gonna hurt them over and over and over again. And I understand that we fall. You're not getting a door shut because you fell. You're not getting a door shut because you made a mistake and you tripped up. And I'll that's not what I'm talking about. I am talking about you knowing what's right and what is wrong for you and your life. And no matter what, you don't want to try, you don't want to make your life better, you don't even have the ambition to do so.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:42

How did I stick around for 10 years, dude? I'm just saying because I I didn't use I didn't used to be this way, I didn't used to be this way. No, she wouldn't, she did.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:51

We we used to have a lot more arguments. We did, we did.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:55

We used to butthead so much more. You know, I do I do ask myself sometimes, I do. I'm like, how did I stick around for some of these like moments?

SPEAKER_02 1:20:04

Because, like, man, I do wonder if me and Ralph are twins.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:07

I'm not even no, I'm just saying, I'm just saying, how man, because y'all are stubborn and I'm like a mean person, so like right.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:14

Now I'm not stubborn. Well, I she's a soft stubborn. I I am a stubborn mule in most of my life, but when it comes to self-correction, not anymore. Not anymore. Absolutely not anymore. If someone comes to me and say, hey, I'm realizing or I'm noticing these things in you, I'm seeing these things or whatever, I'm gonna take what they say, I'm gonna sit on it, I'm going to navigate my own life and see if it's true. And if it is, I will change.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:39

If it's not, because what's the one lesson we've learned in the last 10 years? Hi, it's me. I'm the problem, it's me.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:49

I mean 100%. I mean 100%.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:52

We are not saying that your circumstances and your situations, and I know that like do not like we are not saying that there are so many bigger things. All we are saying is yes, it's your choice. You are still the problem in your life. Yes, you always have a lot of people.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:04

That's the listen, that's the hardest part.

SPEAKER_04 1:21:06

That is literally the hardest part about it. I'm like, yeah, but you still get to decide. Like, you still get to now, and I'm like, no, but you still have to decide. No, but now still your choice. And it's like, oh it's and I'm like, but think about it. Do you or do you not?

SPEAKER_02 1:21:18

And she's like, I'm like, I'm just saying, at the end of the day, you know, I mean, and it is true because we have we have two legs that can walk, we have a mouth that can talk, we have a brain that

Faith Without Forcing It

SPEAKER_02 1:21:30

can think, we have the ability to do the things like we know what we want, we're just scared to do what we need to do. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 1:21:39

And a lot of people are not we're not willing to dig our heels into what's required because it's uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:43

But look at you using my words.

SPEAKER_04 1:21:44

Oh, I did because I wanted to bring it back to you. No, because you said it. I wanted to bring it back to you because we just talked about it the other day. And digging my heels in is what I got into. Literally, she's like, I'm digging my heels in now. And I'm like, so I'm like, yes, you should because you recognize it. When you recognize it, you have to dig your heels in and go, all right, I'm all in on this now. I gotta do this. I may not like it, I may not want to, I may like despise everything about this whole situation of it, but I know it's the right way. Like I know it. Everything in me is saying, get this done or do this or show up this way, and it's all gonna be easier. And it's and it's not because, like, oh, God want like not because of the works or because you're gonna be worth more or anything like in the eyes, like none of that, but because it will bring you some peace. Like it will bring some of the people.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:32

Well, let me be very clear about something the way that Adela is, I am opposite. Okay, so is so I I even even before I'm good at showing up, right?

SPEAKER_04 1:22:41

To the point that I was now I've just boiled her to just be like, call and she shows up.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:46

Yeah, but like to a point that it was unhealthy with my with with all of my relationships, every single one, right? It was unhealthy. Um and so when we talk about the pause, like when I talk about God refining me, I would show up to the point I would get sick. Okay. I I I could be sick and I would still show up. I could be falling apart and I'd still show up. I could be I could be crying mentally a mess and I would suck it up, put it down, and go do what I needed to do, right? Um and so when he got me into this pause, that year of pause, even even to this day, I'm still in pause, okay. Like it's it's a thing. Like I know when I need to pause or whatever. And the problem is though, not moving is super difficult for me. As lazy as I am, okay, at home necessarily, outside of home, I am not. I am I can go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And he's like, I need you to pause. And so learning to sit, to rest, to whatever, as restful as it can be, sometimes mentally it's super exhausting because I don't want to. I don't want to, but I'm fully aware that I need to because maybe mentally I am not capable of going out and having all these conversations today. Maybe I can't look at a screen today. Maybe I have things that need to be handled within my own family unit today, whatever the thing is. And it used to be I I wouldn't pause. Everybody always got me when they needed me. Like, even my kids will call me now and they'll ask for something, and then they get irritated because I don't want to. I'm like, listen, I I may be your mother and I love you, but I am no longer your parent. If you want access to me, you're gonna have to get in line.

SPEAKER_04 1:24:35

There I you know, I have a two-week schedule that I have a two-week thing of like if you're not booked to me, two weeks. Like, we I do too. We have to get on my books, and she's like, Well, you know, I don't plan. I'm like, I do, so you get on my books.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:47

No, like that's the thing. I have to plan now. I I know as much as I like, I don't like to plan. Okay, if you show up in my house unannounced, I'm gonna lose my mind. I will lose my mind because I don't like surprises. Well, that's not true. I don't like changes in the world.

SPEAKER_04 1:25:03

She likes her own surprises for her one, what she wants and all that stuff, not for the rest of society. I can I can change my life. You can't. Yes. Like that's no, but but that's the part, like you went through that. I was just gonna say, you went through that where you're like, I don't, I'm not calendar, I'm not doing any of it, like I can't do this, I can't do this. And I'm like, I promise you, I can't, I couldn't either. I promise you, I couldn't either. I couldn't either. And again, part of what we teach isn't for you to do that. So bad. Right. So bad. But like part of what we do is not to teach you how we do it ourselves. Like for our like, take my way. I'm gonna teach you the way I did it, take a part. Does it work for you? Try it.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:39

And that's what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_04 1:25:42

Right. And so now she got to the point where big ass calendars work for her. She's still working on using it, but it works for her.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:51

Because I see it. Because now she's supposed it's work for me.

SPEAKER_04 1:25:54

But I promise you, for five years, for five years, I even got her a notebook, y'all. I got her shit. I she'll tell you, she'll tell you if I believe that you can succeed, I will ensure you succeed. It is gonna be up to you. But when I call your ass out on it, I'm like, hey, now it's on you. You lazy, you not doing it, that's on you. You're black, man. Like, because I no, so to see her change her again, perspective of going. And I don't do that.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:21

I love how she does it, like how like if you see her file, I'm sure she showed you guys over the over the past couple years, like the no, I haven't shown anybody anything.

SPEAKER_00 1:26:29

Oh, you haven't shown them?

SPEAKER_02 1:26:30

Nobody knows anything yet. Oh that's coming. Um, so she, I mean, every day she is diligent, she's a diligent person, let me tell you, she is so diligent. Um, and I am not, I am not a routine person. I want so badly to be a routine person, I really do, but uh it's part of who I am. My neurodivergency sometimes it's not gonna let me, sometimes it doesn't matter. My neurodivergency doesn't matter. Um, and I found that even though I was trying to do this notebook thing, I have notebooks though now for specific things. Like I have a notebook that goes to church with me, I have a notebook that is for like uh when we do stuff for work with Fink, I have stuff that I uh notebook for my Discord, I have stuff for like um one like financially. So I have them, but I have I have to break it up. Like I can't have one thing be everything. I I just I can't. I'm just not that person. I need I need focals and and I'm I'm realizing that's what I need. And so, like, even though like my whole is literally a calendar, I still have the calendar on my phone. I still have a calendar on my desk, I still have a calendar in my room because somewhere, somehow, I'm gonna forget something. I don't care. I always do.

SPEAKER_04 1:27:46

But you you have to be like again, you know what my motto is be smarter, prep harder. So, like if you prepare as hard as you can, you have to you won't lose. Like, you won't lose. If you have to have six calendars, you have to have six calendars. Like, she'll tell you. Also, because 19 different ways of doing things. You know, I do a PDF even for a simple conversation. They're like Adela, you're just listening to it. I'm like, I, but I need to know the who will be a good thing. It's fantastic.

SPEAKER_02 1:28:10

I love it. I love it. I love her PDFs. She will contest. Like, like a lot of times I don't read them till it's it's time to go. Like, I'll be like, okay, and then I'll read them and I'm like, got it. Boom, done. Because that's the kind of person I am. I I don't need to go through every single step. I'm like, okay, here's what it is. Fine.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:26

Let me and I gave up on wanting people to read them. So now I just send out and then then they show up. And then I'm like, did you read page seven?

SPEAKER_02 1:28:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because like at the end of the day, I'll I'll read what I need to read. But like I'm I'm not the every single, like I said, I do what I need to do.

SPEAKER_04 1:28:40

But you don't need to do, and that's the other part, is where You know what I mean? That's the other part, I think, what we do when we do our projects, when we do stuff, is like we don't require you to be involved in every single aspect of it. Like when you're part of a project, when you put your part only for what you have the capacity for. And that's the thing. And like we we there's you're not required. The only expectation that you have is to show up. That's the requirement. I have a requirement. I don't have to do that. That's the requirement. You have to show up. Show up. We like provide you the whole trail.

SPEAKER_02 1:29:06

We will assume, we will assume that you can do what you tell us you can do. Yep. We will believe you. Yep. Until you show us you can't. And then and then when you can't, we bad so sad for you.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:18

Well, sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 1:29:19

But sometimes most of the time, some most of the time, we will show up right next to you and we will teach you. Okay. We will teach you. We will teach you.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:26

I'm just I'm just an now.

SPEAKER_02 1:29:29

If you refuse that and you whatever, then then we will ask you to go. She's yeah, she's just being a turd. But see, this is where the poop flies.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:37

But I know I'm a turd, so it's okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:29:40

But yeah, so like I think it's like you have to be comfortable in your uncomfortability, you know. Like, I am I comfortable. Me being lazy, I used to be uncomfortable with that. And I think that's why I overworked. That's why I overdid things. It's not that I can't do it, it's not that I can't show up, it's not that I can't get the job done. I want to rest. I want to rest. I need to rest. So I have to pause. Because if I don't, I will allow myself to think that my initial inheritance of who I am of being lazy, because I do, I want to be lazy. That's I want to be lazy. I have a whole life of working. I want to be lazy. Okay, let me be real with you. I'm not just lazy, I want to be lazy. I need rest, so I have to pause because if I don't, I will overwork myself because I think personally, when I'm lazy, that I'm not doing what I should be doing, that somehow it makes me worthless. Well, we all think that when we're not productive on something, it's like and I know that's not real, but that's the things that we think, right? That those are the things that we put in our heads to justify our actions, and I do not want to justify my thoughts

Discipline, Rest, And Practical Systems

SPEAKER_02 1:30:55

of non-productivity, yep, because I feel something. This is where I have to pause because it's like, why am I feeling this? What is the root cause? Like, what is where where am I coming from? Is this an emotional response? Is this a mental response? Is this a physical response? Is it a worldly response? Like, what I have to sit, I have to think because I am not trying to make a decision that could change my life. Mentally, physically, emotionally, whatever, financially, like relationally, because of a feeling that literally could change in a second. Yep. Not doing it, will not happen. Um, not that I can't be spontaneous and path, uh like have be, you know, have sympathy for people or empathy for people. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying, like, I will not allow feelings to dictate my life.

SPEAKER_04 1:31:50

But that's a learned that took a while. Like, yeah, that took a while because we were literally, literally, even when we met and even when we started Project Human, the first thing we did was run with our feelings. Our feelings ran everything, and we pretend and we pretended like we weren't feeling. Like, that's the other part. Like the other part of thinking that I was like, we're so stupid. Like, it's so ridiculous. The fact when you look back on it, I was like, I wasn't feeling, I don't feel like that. And then no, no, and literally with a tantrum of like for real. Like it's the most ridiculous. Like, I look at myself back in there, I was like, I was like the chihuahua on steroids. It's like, are you kidding me? It just like for no reason, just and I'm not feeling anything. You're like, Heifer, you're over here trying to burn the world down with your feelings. Yeah, not feeling anything. But the admittance that I do feel is is, but then what I feel, it can't be the other part is like, we don't, I don't validate, like I validate the feeling that you're in, but I do not validate the reality that you think it is. Like it's not going to be. Like your feeling is valid for the experience that you're in, and we should take a moment and let's sit down and let's like have a moment. But the reality is not what you think it is or feel it is. So let's have a conversation about the reality. And when I learn that, because somebody living with complex PTSD with associative amnesia, I don't understand reality and time. Still to this day, it is the most ridiculous. You say I'm diligent because of that, it's because I don't have the concept of time, concept of reality, and I have to stay in reality. Otherwise, I'm in La La Land and I'm in feeling all day long. Because guess what? I've been hurt because life has happened to me and people have been mean, and the world is just mean, and I can go, and we're sensitive beings, we're creatures, we are the we are like delicate flowers pretending pretending we're some thorns or some kind of stuff. Instead, we're just over here like, don't hurt us, and the whole world is a freaking rock that we're trying to live on. It's like, no, I want to be yes, we're tough, yes, we're strong, yes, we're resilient, yes, we're all that, but we're honest and we're human being. And at the end of the day, if we can't show up in relationships to be that honest with each other, and again, that's why I value our relationship so much, because I can be literally on be honest, be like, like look at you and go, Yolanda, do you really think that's a smart thought process? And you'll be like, And I literally go, or no, no, or I might I go right or I might go, yeah, it is. We're like, all right, let's walk through it. Yeah, we'll be like, let's walk through it. Let's see how smart this is, right? Or we'll be having a conversation and I'll have a thought of say something like we just did the other day, and I'll be like, what makes this so important? I'll be like, what makes you so you keep saying you're important and you need to know what makes this so important? Like, what makes us so important? Or I'll call her and be like, dude, I because I've been through this longer and I understand more, so like more of mine is guiding and teaching and still learning, of course. The work that I do is a little different because when I take the calls, I don't have someone to call to for a minute and be like, oh my God, I don't understand this in my space. The fact that she's been able to be there for me in that and be like, no, dude, like, feel it, but that's stupid, you know that. Like, even in my work, you're called, it's valid, but um but that's stupid, Adela. That's stupid thinking. Like, can you put your panties on? Like, literally, but I gave her the permission to be that too. Like, I gave her, I was like, Yeah, I want honesty, I want accountability. I don't want you to like pretend with me that I need to like I'm not that soft, even though I may be a blabbering mess right now in a tantrum, I'm not that soft. So could we please put it back to where it's at? And then she gave me permission to do the same way. And over years, I learned where my boundaries were because I used to be a bulldozer too. So it's like now I learned my boundaries. Now I just nah call me, have a moment, I'll listen. I won't have to say anything at all nowadays, and then as we'll get to the conclusions, we'll get to our conclusions and then we'll walk away. But like, thanks for being a soundboard. You're welcome. Thanks, thanks. Yeah, it's funny. Yeah, we turn into soundboard. When you learn that you have the ability to become a sounding board, not a problem solver. And when you become a sounding board and not a savior, your life becomes easier, your relationships become easier, everything becomes easier because then everybody realizes they have to save themselves, they have to be their own, everything. Um, but the fact that I have someone that can hear me for a minute, that can see me for a minute, that can hold me for a minute, and then give my crap back to me and go, listen, thanks for the turd, but take it back. I'm like, all right, you know what? I left some glitter. I'm so sorry. And like, let's go, let's keep moving. But being able to be that raw and that again, when we talk about nasty, dirty, mean, not meaning being mean to each other and dirty to each other, and but like you as an existence when you are and you're that mess and you're covered in your own poop. Somebody can go, let me wipe this off your face right now. Let me give you a little piece of clean water. Like the fact that we really don't really hose you off real quick. Right, let me hose you off real quick. Like, girl, you need this, and you're like, seven, like, and then they're laughing at you, and you're laughing, like, because the absurdity of where you're at, and yeah, it's been beautiful, and I value this relationship so much for that because it's allowed me again also to be to stand stronger in my belief that humans are worth the effort, because you've proven to me that you have been worth the effort, like worth the effort of a conversation, the showing up, the whole thesis of like I truly believe that. And when I ask God to give me my 100 kind, he's very, very slow in that. He's only giving me two, but thank you. But like no, no, I'll take it, I'll take it, I'll take it. Very slow in that. I'd like a few more, but like, I got it. You're working, you're working miracles. Um but but then the again, the ability to know that I have that potential, we have that potential, and we can do that. That it is proven that just showing up for a human being, even through what we're doing, even in our own hard times, it saves a life. It saves really it saves a whole future for someone.

SPEAKER_02 1:37:26

You prove that to me too, because I was in a position where like I I did, I lost my faith in humanity. Like I, you know, you get hurt so many times, you live in trauma so much, you do all the things, uh, people let you down over and over and over again. Like, why should I? Why should I? And so to walk with you through that, like something you guys don't know. She has been the first person in my life to walk with me through life, through everything, through all the b she called me every day for a year.

SPEAKER_04 1:38:06

That's what you said you needed.

SPEAKER_02 1:38:08

Just I did, I did say it. She asked me a question and I just told her. I was like, did you get out of your bed today? Did you brush your teeth today? Did you wash your dishes? Like, what do you and then she would praise me? Oh, I'm glad you got out of bed today. That's awesome. You brushed your teeth today. And I know that sounds so elementary, and we talk about being, but things need to be elementary because sometimes you're so far in that pit that you you don't know that's what you need. I needed a hard reset, right? And we just talked about that the other day. I was emotional. I couldn't understand why I was emotional because mentally, emotionally, physically, I was fine. Like there was no waterfalls in the brain, there was no darkness, there was no nothing. I was good. But I my body was reacting, there was something going on. And she was a soundboard, and I just kept saying I have to dig my heels in because I'm just realizing a couple of things about me. And that happens just randomly. Like when you've been working on yourself, randomly, something will click and you will react. Sometimes your body reacts before your brain reacts, you know? And that was a moment, but like throughout these years, and not that I have necessarily like when I say faith, it's more about where you're talking about you trust another human being. I trust her. I trust her probably more than most people would trust their spouses or their children or whatever. Like, I trust her. And if somebody was like, oh, well, she did you wrong, I'd go to her immediately. Hey, what'd you do? And if she did, she'd admit to it, and I'd be like, Okay, well, well, why did this happen? Like, let's let's mend it. Like, that's what let's yeah, you know what I mean. If somebody called and said, Hey, she's in jail, I'm like, who did something? Like, who what happened? Like, like she's not just gonna be in jail because she's in jail, somebody did something, and she had to react, like how how bad was this? Like, she reacted and got her in jail, like you know, like I that's who I am. And so for me to get to a point where I could care less about having a conversation with a human being, I could care less about having a relationship without like you, like you're gonna tear me down, so why would I care about lifting you up, type of thing? And to have somebody come alongside me and lift me up and and knowing that I prayed for this person my whole life. Like I've prayed for to find one other person that's like me, just one, just I'd be fine with one. I even said that I just won, just one. And so for her to be to look back and know when we were in school, when we were graduating, and she was like, You're you're my soul sister. And I did, I didn't look at her like she was psycho, okay. I don't, I don't do that, I never have, but I did look at her like, okay, crazy girl, okay. But I still gave her a hug, we still took pictures together, all this stuff, and we didn't talk for years. And then she put up a thing about um needing help at a event she was a part of and stuff. And I was talking to one of my kids. I was like, hey, do you want to go do this with me? Because I was trying to foster a relationship with my own child when I was in the pit of where I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to brush my teeth, I didn't, I didn't want to live. Let me just be clear about that. I did

Be A Soundboard Not A Savior

SPEAKER_02 1:41:10

not want to live. But I had to because I had my children, I had things, I had things worth living for, even though I didn't want it, I know I needed to. So even before I knew about my wants and my needs, I was doing it. So I showed up, and we've been inseparable since. And it's she's changed my life in ways that I can never be more thankful for. Like, I know God sent her into my life without a shadow of a doubt. Listen, we we there's too many things that we get about each other. The our our our our comedy, our our little back and forths, all the things. Like, we listen, we are poop jokers, okay?

SPEAKER_04 1:41:57

We are made from the same womb in like for real, like just separated at birth. For real.

SPEAKER_02 1:42:03

Listen, if we actually posted some of our real conversations, y'all be like, um, cancel.

SPEAKER_00 1:42:09

Are you sure that you you you are following Chris? Are you sure?

SPEAKER_04 1:42:13

Well, then even that, are you sure she's a good example to even listen to?

SPEAKER_02 1:42:17

So sometimes, like, we can't say that we don't put him on pause sometimes. Because we're like, Lord, listen, we're we're about to be ridiculous. Um, could you not listen for just a second?

SPEAKER_04 1:42:28

And then he just laughs, and then he just yeah, and then we get and then he just turns his head and we have a tantrum, we do our thing, and then we come back, we're like, we're sorry, we could have been better.

SPEAKER_02 1:42:36

And then we we and then we get disciplined and we get a talking to, and and it is what it is. We fall in our face. We're again, we're growing, we're not grown, no matter how old we are, no matter where we are. We are babies, spiritual babies, always uh mental, emotional, physical babies, because we are just now really getting ourselves in order, right? Like we've been working on it, but give yourself some grace, give yourself some, some, some just how many times were we speaking through that?

SPEAKER_04 1:43:05

I'm like, dude, it's okay. You suck today. It's okay that you made a mistake. Yeah, like, oh, I didn't do all these things. Okay, did you brush your teeth today? I did. Did you get up and put your clothes on? I did. Did you get your kid to school? I did. Did you like those are accomplishments, y'all? We used to have to write that down. Remember, I used to make them write down 10 accomplishments of their day. That was part of our part of our teaching. I'm like, I need you to write it down 10 a day. 10 as the accomplishments weren't like they're actually Did you move? Did you get up out of bed? I got up out of bed.

SPEAKER_01 1:43:33

You might not be able to make a full step.

SPEAKER_02 1:43:34

Put your toe in it. Move my toe. I'll be like, do what you do. And just give yourself grace enough to know that a small step is still a step. Yes. One day you're gonna like some day she'll be like, I can take a marathon. Another day you're like, I can, I can't.

SPEAKER_04 1:43:50

And then some days you'll do the matrix and just over the building.

SPEAKER_02 1:43:54

Just wake up and do better.

SPEAKER_04 1:43:55

And do the whole need.

SPEAKER_02 1:43:56

You're better, your better might be somebody else's like worst day. Your worst day might be somebody else's better. You you don't know. But giving yourself grace to make mistakes, to to grow, to learn, to, to, to be okay, that you're not perfect, that you're you're maybe you're not capable right now. That's also okay. But you have to know you have now is the time to grow. Like you have to want to grow.

SPEAKER_04 1:44:24

Yeah, yeah. So let me ask you one last question because we are we are so good out of time. We could talk for seven hours and we do talk about three, four hours a day. And we're and to be honest, this is not as ADHD as I thought it was gonna be. So this is great. This has been a really good, like, I really thought we were gonna be in like seven holes of hell, but we're not. So when you look beyond your responsibilities, I said what I said, Yolanda. Struggles and the roles you carry. Who is the artist within you today, and how does that part of you express itself? Last question.

SPEAKER_02 1:44:56

Minimize that question because my brain is not it right now.

SPEAKER_04 1:44:59

She said she said two hells and home. Um, I said that's way too much, but like minimize that, simplify that. Who is the artist within you?

SPEAKER_02 1:45:08

I don't understand. Who is the artist within me?

SPEAKER_04 1:45:11

Yeah, I already know your answer. You're just not answering it. Jesus?

unknown 1:45:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:45:18

I was like, within me?

SPEAKER_02 1:45:20

The Holy Spirit, okay? It's the Holy Spirit.

SPEAKER_04 1:45:23

How does that part of you express itself?

SPEAKER_02 1:45:26

Oh man, I'm joking. I joke all the time. It's it's amazing. I love I listen, the Holy Spirit is amazing.

SPEAKER_04 1:45:33

Hilarious.

SPEAKER_02 1:45:34

Man, hilarious, hilarious.

SPEAKER_04 1:45:37

Man, stand-up comedy, HBO special. I'd pay a thousand times over to see.

SPEAKER_02 1:45:42

I mean clean and biblical.

SPEAKER_04 1:45:43

Yes, but of course.

SPEAKER_02 1:45:44

I let me tell you, I the um the stories I have, the testimonies I have with the Lord and the things that he does in my life, um is just immeasurable. Like I I am so blessed. Like somebody, I was in a really bad mood the other day, and somebody asked me, Hey, how are you doing today? And I said, Oh, I said, I am breathing and highly favored. And I paused and I thought, hey, Lord, who is this person?

SPEAKER_05 1:46:14

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 1:46:14

Since when did I say I was highly favored? Like, who am I? Like, when did when did this happen? Because I used to be the person be like, oh man, you know, listen, today has been rough. Here's da da da da da. And now I'm just like, you know, it's not even relevant to where I am here right now.

SPEAKER_04 1:46:31

Like it does not matter. My response, my response when they go, how are you doing today? I go, I'm alive and breathing. The rest is an added bonus. Like, the rest is an added bonus.

SPEAKER_02 1:46:42

Listen, I love a good cupcake, but I am not a frosting person. Frosting's the bonus. I always give my frosting away. I do. I do. Like my my mother-in-law.

SPEAKER_04 1:46:53

You know, I really don't like frosting. Did you know I don't like frosting? Did you ever know that?

SPEAKER_02 1:46:57

I just listen. Give me some, give me some cheese and some nod and some like that's too. No, just if I'm on board with that. Like, just give me some potatoes. Hey, I've got some potatoes, too. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:47:09

Anyway, soup and potatoes for the next one. Um, all right, we are gonna go because we can be talking forever and ever and ever. Um, I am so thankful for you, Yolanda. I'm so thankful for God for putting us in life together and having us do life and learn and grow and have like just allowing us to be as silly as we are, and knowing that even though we know we ain't shit, then we're still the shit.

SPEAKER_02 1:47:33

We are the oldest, youngest people you'll ever meet. Best fun you'll ever have. Well, I don't know. Best fun we'll ever have.

SPEAKER_04 1:47:44

I don't know what other people, but I'm the best fun you'll ever have. No, we do.

SPEAKER_02 1:47:52

We have a time. It doesn't matter where we go, we're gonna have a time. When we went to visit Will in LA, we had a time. Why? Because we're with our people. With our people. We we are unapologetically personalities. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_04 1:48:06

And so I'm gonna leave you guys off with this. I'm gonna leave you guys off with this. Be unapologetically you, okay? That does not mean be unapologetically you in hurting others and being mean and being vicious and and then calling it that that's who I am because that's not who you are, like you're not that at all. Um go ahead.

SPEAKER_02 1:48:28

No offense, but full

Final Encouragement And October Invite

SPEAKER_02 1:48:30

offense.

SPEAKER_04 1:48:30

Offend them. Yes, no offense but full offense. But like, but be authentically you. And if you see the world that you want to be like, I want goodness in the world, be the goodness you want to see. If you want to see the change in the world, be that. And it starts with nobody knowing that you're changing. It starts with you deciding you're worth the effort to change in private, to change when you don't get the accolades, to change when you don't get the validation, the love, all the grace and mercy that you might want from other human beings, and you have to come with deep within yourself and figure out what that is for you, for me, and for Yolanda. Obviously, it's our relationship with Jesus and our relationship with God. And so, like, if you're not willing to change when when no one's watching, when the world watches, you are going to crumble because the world will watch everything you do, and the world will dissect you and make you its lab hole, like its little lab rat, and you're not it. Human beings are not that. Yet we play in this world, we think we are, and we're not. So I'm gonna leave you off that you're worth the effort of waking up, you're worth the effort of brushing your teeth, you're worth the effort of creating a company and changing the world, you're worth the effort of reaching Mars if that's what you want to do. I'm trying to get to the eighth black hole, so I get it. All I'm saying is you're worth the effort, even if that means you're worth the effort of a conversation. Anything else you want to leave him off with?

SPEAKER_02 1:49:49

Just listen, like uh whether or not you believe, the devil de the devil never said you couldn't be a good person. He just said he doesn't want you to believe in Christ. So you know, when you're looking into that, just remember that's that's the bottom line. That's all he has. He just wants relationship with you. Um and I just felt the need to say that. But other than that, like listen, you're loved, you're wanted, you're wonderfully and beautifully made. Uh, when we talk about you're worth the effort, you're not just worth the effort you put in, you're worth the effort for another human being to put into you. Do not think that you are not worth the effort of the human being. Because Jesus did it.

SPEAKER_04 1:50:29

Jesus did it. He made sure we knew he we knew we were worth his effort. I'm just saying. That's my last thought on that. Anyway, on the end of it, come see us October 24th. We have an event going on. Follow, like, subscribe, do all the other good stuff. And until next time, you guys, thank you so much. Thank you for listening. Thank you for supporting. Thank you for being part of the yes, being being part of everything. We will see you in a while. Be good. Bye.